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How to let go of guilt from the past

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  • July 18, 2014 at 11:14 am #61213
    Ashley
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I hope everyone is enjoying beautiful weather right now! 🙂

    I warn you in advance that I am a downer in parts of this forum, so feel free to skip this. 😛

    But this is what’s up:

    I have a regret from the past that I have not been able to let go of because I haven’t taken the necessary steps to be freed from how I perceive the situation. I really want to make it clear, that my past actions came from making poor judgements. My intentions were not to afflict any harm for someone and I don’t know what further damage I would have created to a relationship.

    What happened:
    This is laughable, but I was drunk and hooked up with someone that I shouldn’t have because he had a girlfriend. *rolls eyes* This happened during the beginning of summer, so my terrible decision making continued since I agreed to fool around with him over the course of the summer.

    I wasn’t intentionally trying to sabotage his relationship with his girlfriend. I don’t know her. I don’t have the intention of being with him either. He is attractive and I do feel sexually attracted to him. This is why I am fearful of interacting with him because I might feel naturally sexually attracted to him and I don’t need to make the same mistake twice. Furthermore, it’s difficult to comprehend an apology. I don’t know if she knows or not. I am completely ignorant if whether they still a couple. The only times I begin to worry, is when I think about the chances of seeing either one of them.

    It’s been two summers since then. Therefore a lot of time has pasted. He’s moved out of state and we never kept in touch. He has graduated as the same degree as I will be, therefore, I’ve been living with the intense fear of him appearing/popping into my life again. Since it is very possible that I will see him again at a conference and again at my school for a reunion. I wouldn’t mind talking to him, but there is a lot of shame (I’m still thinking about him. I fear that I might start to break down and cry in front of him and haha what would be a way to handle myself if I did?), guilt, fears, and regretfulness that I have kept enclosed. However, if I do end up seeing him again, he deserves to see me for whatever I am.

    This post is a good start to releasing negative energy from the past. It would been very thoughtful and meaningful to hear insights about moving on from past regrets. What are ways to not feel lost in regretful thinking about the decisions that you make in life? If you do think about a regret, how do you change you line of thinking to something positive?

    All you give is much appreciated
    Thank you,

    Ashley

    July 18, 2014 at 11:30 am #61215
    Dain Supero
    Participant

    As someone who has messed up more than anyone I know, here’s the one thing I’ve learned about dealing with the past.

    You cannot erase the past. You can only replace it.

    We have this obsession with pondering our past and feeling regret as though doing so might bring relief or closure or what not. It never does, does it? The only way to overcome a painful past is to create a soothing present. Live now, not then. The fact that this thread exists is proof enough that you regret your mistake and have learned from it. Let it go at that. Focus on yourself, focus on now.

    Make today as good as possible and tomorrow will take care of itself.

    July 18, 2014 at 5:22 pm #61230
    Matt
    Participant

    Ashley,

    In addition to Dain’s kindly intended words, consider growing some compassion for the girl you were a few summers back, and keep in heart the reasons you were seeking some comfort, playfulness, sensual pleasure, or whatnot. As we grow, our memories often have to be hugged and let go of, because as we learn lessons, its troubling to believe how foolish we were. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Looking back and judging ourselves based on who we are now is pointless, purposeless. Here and now, perhaps wisdom is better rooted, empathy a little more open, or whatnot, having grown as a being. However, we’ve inevitably had a lot of bloopers along the way (how else did we grow?) but often the stories are loving at the time. Said differently, consider how light and fun it was to dance with him… and then accept that his relationship status gave the dance a cost (guilt, feeling of harm toward a sister), and take a breath, just accept some dumpy feelings. Then, be free, let it go. The heart grows wise, we naturally don’t do that stuff again… not worth it. You have the heart of a sister, and don’t wish to cross that boundary with them. That’s great, plenty. Not a malicious thread in your stories. So, just resolve not to do that again. Problem solved, move on. 🙂

    For a potential reunion, the ball’s in your court. Hopefully, you’ll have healed your guilt by then, found some self acceptance. That’s what you’re here for, right? 🙂 So, if you wish to talk to him about the fun, the guilt byproduct (he played a part in that, charming man that he was 🙂 ) or anything at all, do it. Maybe he listens, maybe he laughs, but that’s on him, his, not yours. If you don’t want to bother chatting, just wave, a fellow you shared a dance with once. Why fret?

    For the shame… sister, you do odd things when you’re horny/playful/lonely/learning. Join the huuuuuuge club. We do our best with the cards we have, and learn a lot through trial and error. You don’t need such a heavy mantle, weight, for such a fumble. Good people do odd things, but it all knits together along the way.

    Namaste, sister, may you find acceptance for your gentle wings.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 18, 2014 at 5:50 pm #61231
    Ashley
    Participant

    Dain,

    Get past, the past! Got it! 😀 I tend to be harder on myself then I need to be about my past mistakes. I believe and need to trust that I have found the acceptance and peace about the past that I know already.

    Thank you for your reply,

    Ashley

    July 18, 2014 at 6:10 pm #61232
    Ashley
    Participant

    Matt

    That is a very good point you made about looking back to the person who you once were with kindness and compassion. It’s difficult, because I don’t understand very much what it means to be compassionate. I am going to try practice love for the human being that makes the mistakes and is foolish. I have felt that I have grown much within the past two years, I’m not sure how. It might be that I am stronger. 🙂

    Thanks about reminding that he was someone who I danced with!! 😀

    I appreciate your response,

    Ashley

    July 19, 2014 at 1:18 pm #61263
    Dain Supero
    Participant

    Ashley,

    Remember this also. You are not your mistakes, or your failures, or yours victories. Just because you made a mistake does not mean you are a mistake. Just because you failed does not mean you are a failure. Just because you won does not mean you are a winner.

    We often form this irrational attachment to the outcome of an event and then allow this outcome to define us, to say something about us. The way to overcome this tendency is to view everything as a lesson, every mistake or failure or victory or accomplishment. They all have something to teach us and therefore something to offer us. This realization also leads to a state of constant gratitude: you see everything as a potential teacher that gives you some value and helps you grow.

    You might have heard a variation of this quotation. “From life’s school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger” by Nietzsche. Learning to see everything as a lesson is the key to a stronger you.

    Dain

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