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How to let go and start over ?

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  • April 15, 2017 at 4:14 am #145191
    Orion42
    Participant

    Hello everyone 🙂

    I am struggling with my relationship, I’ve been with my BF for 7 years now, the 2 first two years, I made him pay for other guys mistakes ( like cheating on me) so I was putting all my anger on him, I know he suffered from it. And in Year 3, he cheated on me and after that he started cheated for about 2 years, so 5 years of cheating . In the meantime, he was diagnosed with depression …

    Last year he decided, to take time for himself, get better, so we had a break of 5months, and  then he came back to me, saying that he wanted to start over etc. I accepted and i decided to forgive him for the cheating part. He has made a lot of efforts, but at each argument we have, i make him remind every single thing he has done to me in the past, I throw my anger at him all the time.

    He has been depressive for like 5 years and he’s trying his best to heal from it, and i know it’s not that easy . He has to work on himself but also on our relationship that he destroyed.

    I don’t know what to do, it’s like I still have this anger and hatred inside me and can’t let it go .

    Thank you for reading and have a good w.e !

    April 15, 2017 at 5:36 am #145209
    Craig
    Participant

    Sounds complicated. Your baggage. His cheating. Your anger. His depression.

    Your relationship may not be destroyed. And, whatever damage has  been done, I doubt he is solely responsible.

    Have you thought about working with a good couples therapist? It seems there is a lot to untangle, and all that has gone on may haunt both of you if you don’t find a way to metabolize it.

    April 15, 2017 at 8:38 am #145229
    Orion42
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply Craig . Yes, its kinda complicated … never thought about the therapist and i don’t think he will agree ti it anyway.

    Each time we have an argument, there is the “positive” part of me saying to calm down, breath slow, and try to understand his point of view/ side and there is  the ” negative”  part of me telling me to make him understand how much i suffered,  blame him for everything he has done, show my hatred towards him and very often the ” Negative Part” wins …

    So I am confused and lost and still angry but both of us want to make this work

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Orion42.
    April 15, 2017 at 8:43 am #145231
    Orion42
    Participant

    p

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Orion42.
    April 15, 2017 at 9:01 am #145243
    Craig
    Participant

    Bravo to you for trying to understand his point of view! And of course you want him to see your point of view. It’s one of the dances of relationship, where each person wants to be understood and heard. I hope you and he find a way to get there. According to you, whatever you’ve been doing isn’t working. So what will you do differently?

    April 16, 2017 at 2:01 pm #145347
    Orion42
    Participant

    Craig thank you for your help. I don’t even know what to do but I hope i will find a way to sort this out …

    April 17, 2017 at 6:59 am #145439
    JayJay
    Participant

    The only way forward, to my mind, is that you need to really forgive him for past events. That will take a lot of doing on your part, especially after 5 years of him cheating on you. No wonder you are upset and even though you try, you cannot stop berating him over things that happened in the past. That says to me that, even though you might say the words. ‘I forgave you for that’, your heart is saying you haven’t. Even if he won’t see a therapist, perhaps you could see one on your own and work through these negative feelings you have towards him that keep resurfacing.

    You say you ‘show your hatred towards him’ for these things and that you can’t help blaming him for everything that happened. If you can’t put that behind you and make a fresh start, then I seriously doubt that you should be with someone who initiates such feelings and which for you, are surfacing all the time.

    April 17, 2017 at 1:33 pm #145553
    Craig
    Participant

    Orion, Google Al Turtle. I think you might get a number of ideas to think about. First step is not to keep doing what doesn’t work.

     

    Craig

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