Hi Nikki,

I completely understand what you’re going through. This was kind of my plight a week ago. I have lost hope to find another person for my life, but I have accepted that I don’t need to be thinking and worrying about it right now. Life goes on. Day before yesterday I was stuck with many negative thoughts in the bed while waking up; losing time and not realizing it. Then I shook myself and got up; engaged myself in household chores, watching tv, etc. I started feeling better.

My friend, it’s not easy to go through fights, specially when it turns physical (I had been through it and the worst part I still share the same neighbors who had seen it all).

I believe, it’s always better to part ways when we are not sure if we want to go ahead with a person (in other words, if you’re not happy with your decision, you would never be able to keep him happy). As an Indian, I can only say that you saved yourself from the mess that could come after marriage (where you are not just married to the guy, but the family). Stop feeling guilty, stop being harsh on yourself. And in his and your better interests, cease all the contacts, if any, with him; more because he is starting a new life now. I would say to you ‘MOVE ON’. It’s easier said than done. But you have gathered the courage and will to make your life better. You can do it. Go easy with yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Love yourself. Because you’re an amazing person at heart. Make peace with your past.

Get REAL
R: Realise that you have been through hurtful situations. Realize the reality.
E: Engage yourself in Positive thinking. Do things that make you happy.
A: Accept the fact that you’re not perfect. Don’t compare yourself to others.
L: Love yourself unconditionally. For you have a beautiful heart and you’re unique.

Hope it helps!

Lots of positivity and courage to you:-)

Hey,
I guess all us Indians are quite similar. Similarly three years ago, I would hear about stories similar to yours, I never dreamed in my sweet little life that someday I would have a ‘story.’ I am sorry to say this so bluntly but he’s gone. Indian families are harsh and I had to learn this the hard way. I know you can’t forget about him, it’s the hardest thing to do sometimes. I still sometimes think about the person that was once near and dear to my heart not to long ago. I am an American born Indian and he was a master’s student from India.
He always made me feel beneath him. His biggest issue was my weight, he was a bit of a showoff and I suppose he wanted a pretty, skinny girl on his arm. I wasn’t either things, plus I wasn’t a fancy engineer or anywhere remotely near a science field like him. Long story short after a year of meeting month to month, I ended up picking a grad school closer to him. My parents were pushing us for marriage. He said that he wanted me to get in shape first. I dieted hard and did end up losing most of my weight. He still wasn’t satisfied as I wasn’t built like most thin little twiggy indian girls. I guess wanting to be accepted I opted for plastic surgery. The pain was unbearable.
Barely a month after the surgery his brother and sister-in-law came to visit me, and I could feel them judging me harshly. They only stayed for two hours and towards the end my grandfather asked whether they wanted to take this relationship forward. His sister-in-law looked towards me and said
“well you don’t take photos that great…oh sorry I mean clearly.” She basically accused me of wasting her time because in real life, I didn’t meet her standards.
I can still remember the look of embarrassment on my families and the pain that ate at my heart. It was awful the way their family had treated, after all I was a human being. But yes like you I remember slowly our peaceful relationship ending into peaces. Day after day arguing and crying. I think problems manifest into arguments, you know in your heart something much greater is wrong and in this case it was his family thinking he could do better than someone like me.
Fast forward present day, he ended up marrying a pretty little skinny girl, the way his family wanted. I am still unsettled, still finding my path. He forgot a 2.5 year relationship so easily in one which he tormented me. You only broke up in Dec 2013, so your pain is still so fresh. Your journey is only beginning. Don’t make the same mistakes I made. I stopped all progress in my life. You have to work hard to find yourself and rebuild your identity. It’s not going to be easy, believe me. It’s okay to think about him, there is no time limit to heal. However in the mist of what he put me through I pulled myself together, and am now engaged to a great man, that is much more emotionally supportive. I know once you find someone else, you will feel the difference. Let him marry the girl his Mummy and Daddy want him to marry (although it’s going to hurt you a great deal), because there is something so much better out there for you.
There are so many people in the same boat as you, you aren’t less than anyone else. As for you not being able to keep to him happy, don’t ever let this thought come into your head. HE wasn’t able to keep to you happy, and your intuition was warning you about the impending dangers. Your happiness is so much more important. Don’t let go, instead use this experience to rise up from the ashes and start your healing and rebuilding process. This after all was an experience you had to ‘experience’ has a human. I wish you luck.

Hi Nikki
I think we can all relate to your story some way or the other. You have made me realize how people like us are not alone. I recently had a similar incident. Weird how we Indians are talking about parental pressure. I had a beautiful relationship for a year having being friends with this guy for 3 years before that. We never realized how and when our friendship transformed into love. We stood by each other through thick and thin, first as friends and then as lovers. Until last year when my family started to insist on marriage. The guy was more than happy and our families met. His family who has agreed to our alliance before however changed their heart the day we met because I was older to him by few years. Yet he assured me he is standing by me. And then I went to India end of the year, only to return to a broken world. 4 days into me returning back, the first day we met after my 3 week long India trip, he broke off with me. Parental pressure, he admitted it plus certain family matters had changed the dynamics he said. I was lost and shattered. I lost my appetite. I was fixed at that moment when he left me and I didn’t know how to wake myself up from that nightmare. Slowly, I am coming terms to reality. It has been a difficult process after giving yourself 100% into something you believe in, but once your start your journey to rediscovering yourself, you will make progress.

You will go through the blame, anger phase where you will blame yourself, the world, him, his parents, everyone you could possibly blame. That’s fine. But try to consciously draw line to that. Don’t let that take over you. In last 2 months, I have slowly learnt not to hold grudges. It difficult but that’s important.
Also remember, you are having it better than many others. And that’s true. While I was crying my lungs out on my loss, I met my friend who didn’t just lose father but also a love relationship. I realized my problem was smaller compared to hers.

So, don’t feel dejected. It’s okay to vent out your emotions once in a while. But don’t let them take over you. Stay positive. Do things you like to do. I have started nurturing my hobbies and I have realized how much I had neglected myself. It’s great to discover your own self. You are the key to your happiness! All the Best *hug*

Hi Nikki,

While reading your post, I thought I’m reading my heart a while ago. I had similar feelings of guilt, specially when my mom says to me ‘baat ban jaati hai’ (things get fine with time). That I should have carried on with the rocking marriage. In that moment I say yes, and I start blaming myself for not being able to ‘save’ the relation. In the next moment other part of me thinks…’Am I or was I the only one responsible to save the relation? If so, then good that it ended for the good. And then I recall the number of chances I gave him . It was ‘time’ to take a call for good of everyone..not just the two of us but for both the families’ peace!

There were many moments where I wished, it could be so good if was just a little bit lenient with his ego and understanding, things could have been so different and beautiful. Answer – May be he didn’t want this, due to which I was suffering with torture for being there for him and doing everything he wanted me to do.

Sometimes we want the relation to work, but we need to open our eyes and see if the other person wants the same too or not? Makes sense? I kept weeping and blaming myself for loooong…Why I couldn’t have the love of my life, why I couldn’t save my relation, I’m a loser. But no, I preferred to save the peace of mind and not participate in this race of winning.

1) Please stop blaming yourself. For we believe (Taali ek haath se nahin bajti hai) (Nothing happens with one hand)

2) Your last lines say…’You lost yourself.I look at it as ‘You saved the rest of your life! Life is beautiful and precious; please don’t lose the present by being in the past. Move On. It’s difficult but that’s the trait of the strong!
God helps those who help themselves. You gotta be there for yourself.

3) The hope part of getting him back; shows that you’re stuck in the past. What you cannot see that he has decided to marry another person, He has moved on. Now it’s your turn to choose what you want for your life? Past Memories and fake hopes or a New beginning and a wonderful life.

I’m sorry if I was rude/harsh with my words but it has happened with me and it took a year to shake myself, open my eyes to be what I am now. Above all, hurts me to see anybody else suffering with this ‘stuck in past’ phenomenon. For I have hated enough this part of mine, accepted it, and moved on because Life goes On. For I deserved better than the torture, craziness and fights.

Stay blessed!

Dear Nikki,

Stop judging the past, because it WAS! Let the bygones, be bygones!

And the person that should mean the world to you is YOU, even family comes after you! For the simple reason being, if you’re not happy, you won’t be able to make family or people around you happy.

You weren’t bad; situations were. You would have played an already lost game, so stop repenting.

You don’t need to be feeling guilty.

We often feel obligated to the person who supported us through our low phase of life. Be grateful, thankful, if a situation comes where you can do something for this person, be helpful but with boundaries well-drawn. But there is no need to give up your life for this. This is more about being human. You will get your share of chance to help someone else; and once you’ve have it, make the most out of this opportunity, but don’t lament for something which is past.

He has started moving; whether it good or not for him; that shouldn’t be your concern. It would be better for you to stop thinking about him.

Nothing is wrong with you; it were the situations that were wrong. Please don’t be harsh on yourself. Count, Recall and put down on paper the good things you have done till now, even the smallest. You will see that you’re a worthy person. Don’t judge yourself based on one relation only, it’s not fair. You have your whole life ahead to do all the good things you would want to.

Cheers!