Hi,

I want to share my story in the hope of receiving some advice and guidance for self-reflection. I don’t have my usual support network so I hope you can help me.

I have been in a long distance relationship (LDR) with my boyfriend for almost two years now. I work in international development and had already planned to leave the country (where I had been working for 5 years) when we met. We started our relationship in what I now know was an unhealthy way. We played games and discussed our relationship being non-committal and ultimately physical. I found this very difficult and self-destructive but continued nonetheless. I had developed feelings for him. When I left the country he asked if we could still see each other and maintain a relationship from a distance.

Our LDR began with us arranging to meet every two months and after a year we began to discuss how we could be together. The games stopped, he brought me on holiday with his family, he met my family, and we decided on a country closer to him where I could work and he could visit every 2 weeks. I was so happy and moved the following year. He has established a business here and speaks about having children together and my moving to where he is. I was so happy.

I have always struggled with trust issues. My mother was alcohol dependent and my father had an affair, the impact of which, has always remained with me. My trust issues became so much that I undertook year long therapy when I first moved away from him. This helped immensely and I think, ultimately, was to thank for how we managed to continue our LDR. I started to manage my feelings of insecurity and mistrust and felt happier than I had ever before.

Recently, I have started to feel insecure again, mistrusting him, or I have stopped managing these feelings which are ever present. I’m not sure. When we see each other every two weeks I have managed fine. However, this time, he announced he would not be able to visit for six weeks as he is very busy at work. I know he is busy. He has just started his own business and he spent the previous month out of country on holiday (I spent 2 weeks of this with him). He has made plans to visit and now it is only two weeks away, we have made plans to go on holidays together later next month and both are families are joining us for Christmas. However, in the last week we have only spoken once on the telephone, whereas normally we would speak no less than every two days. Although, my first reaction is to think he has met someone else and this is the reason he is suddenly “unavailable” , I have learned that this is often based on my trust issues and not the real facts of the situation. I decided to do what I had learned from my previous therapy and take responsibility for my feelings and communicate them in a healthy and non-accusatory way. I realised that what I needed was regular communication. Being in a LDR this is essential for me. This is what I need. I called him and we spoke about it and although he did get a little defensive, he said he would make more of an effort. However, now he calls when he is about to leave for a dinner or to socialise and we only have 5 minutes and our conversation is rushed and therefore never goes beyond the superficial level. We used to also have skype but this week he said he is having internet problems at home. It makes me feel sad and unloved.

My problem is that I am now convinced he has met someone else but I don’t know if I can trust my feeling. I am at a loss as to what I should/can do to help my turmoil and the situation.

How to know when you should trust your instinct?