Right now I’m writing this from a place of understanding, peace and forgiveness, which I’m quite proud of myself for.

My partner of 2 years and I just had a crazy situation happen, which bad decisions were made, and he’s very hurt and angry.. at himself.

He was abused in his previous marriage, and he’s working on balancing and healing himself (through therapy, etc) from that. Myself, I’m also going through therapy and currently doing meditations trying to get over my issues of self-esteem, trust, paranoia and betrayal from my past. Learning to let go of the past.

In our time together, I had a provider role for a while, supporting him and the 2 kids while they went through painful and traumatic issues with his abusive ex, which I was picking up on the super negativity as well since I was so close to the situation. He since picked himself up, and had gotten a fantastic job, making way more than myself, so he wanted to ‘pay me back’, take on the provider role.

But he’s overcompensating, and although I appreciate that he’s doing things FOR me, I’d rather he do them WITH me, that we do them together, as partners. We’ve had some bad luck in our relationship, not with each other (no cheating or anything like that), but mainly situations that neither of us knew how to deal with properly, due to our own baggage, one trying to help the other, and over-doing it, and pushing past personal boundaries. It’s all pretty trivial things like money, that in the grand scheme of things really doesn’t matter, so that much is good, that it’s not health issues, etc.

Two weeks ago, he deposited $6500 into my savings account (not a joint account). This was after he paid my car off ($13k) and my proposal ($7500) off, leaving us debt free. The $6500 was to be for saving up for our wedding *someday* and things like trips and doing fun things as a family. Well today the bank called and left a message at my work. I’ve been struggling with paranoia/anxiety and the like, so I called him, telling him the bank called me, I’m nervous as to why because I’ve never before had them call me, but I would call and figure it out.

Before I had the chance, he had called the bank saying he was me, to try to find out what was wrong with my account (so he could start the motions of fixing it). So when I called, I gave the poor lady a heart attack because she had just spoken to ‘me’. Anyways all it was is that when he changed the cheque from $6000 to $6500 he didn’t initial the change, so it was returned. Deposit a new cheque, wait for the hold time to process, and no biggie.

I explained to him that I called, because it was my account so it was my responsibility. That I appreciated the fact that he thought enough of me to call them and try to fix it, but doing so by saying he was me, was stepping a bit over a line of some sort.

I feel so bad for him, mostly because I freaked out for no real reason besides lack of trust (due to my past and some other minor, minor things), and as a result he panic’d and made a really poor decision. He was so angry and disappointed in himself, and for once I was the one telling him, it’s ok! I knew he did everything he did with the best of intentions, he wrote the cheque to help me, to try to prove to me that he was worthy, to make me believe he wouldn’t leave, that he’s dedicated to us for the long run. I already know he’s worthy of himself, of me, of being a great Dad everything. I’m just glad I was graced with calm, logical thinking for this, where I would have COMPLETELY lost it normally. I would have gotten angry, and sad, and made it all about me. But it wasn’t all about me at all. He’s a beautiful person who was so hurt and damaged both by his ex, and the way his parents treat him, that sometimes he resorts to almost child-like thinking/rationale.

I wonder is there a way to help him to NOT overcompensate so much? He’s used to being treated like a child, and is trying to now be the adult, be the provider, and in doing so, puts me at imbalance where I’m more like the child then, versus the equal and partner. We’re getting there, things are getting more even between us, and we’re both finding ourselves again, which well nothing would work as a couple if we didn’t really. Any advice would be much appreciate, even though I understand it’s a bit of an odd situation, we love each other a lot, and besides helping myself, I want to help him in any way I can that will help him, help himself 🙂