Dear jlo5:

My first thought as I read your first paragraph is how succinct it is, how briefly and clearly expressed, how concise. It was exceptionally succinct. The whole post is evidence of clear, calm thinking on your part. This leads me to conclude that, no doubt, you made the correct decision for yourself 12 weeks ago.

Your last paragraph is evident that you made the correct decision for your children as well. They told you he is calmer when they are with him, and you wrote that you are relaxed in your own home, which means they witness you calmer as well. A Win for them!

And it is the right decision for him as well- he is calmer when with the children. He is not always calm but there is progress.

And so, that feeling of guilt that you feel is not evidence of reality. It only feels this way. In reality, you made the correct choice for all involved. Sometimes our feelings are not trustworthy (it is called “emotional reasoning”- a category of distorted thinking, taught in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, where we think something is true because it FEELS this way).

“How to heal”- title of your thread- keep doing what works, and this is working.

Notice, you wrote: “I also know he is hurt and angry and he doesn’t know how to behave,” I suggest that when he was “bombing me to abusing me over messages” he knew what he was doing: he was angry and tried to hurt you. That is what people often do when angry. This is why he apologized later on, because he knew what he did was wrong, only at the time he did it, he felt compelled to do it.

I understand that you “need him to understand what he did, I need him to see my side of things”- but notice: it is a man who feels too uncomfortable to go to a second psychotherapy session that you want to understand what he did. He is too uncomfortable.

anita

Dear jlo5:

You are welcome. Again, good thinking on your part. Regarding postponing the practicalities until he sorts himself out, giving up alcohol so that he can find employment, I understand, and pay his own bills- maybe put a time limit on it, a couple of months. Place yourself and your children as priority, financially and otherwise.

Regarding the sometimes overwhelming sadness you feel regarding “what it could have been”- it is sadness over fantasy, isn’t it: sadness over what was not. Replace all hope for a … better-past, with hopes for a better future.

anita