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How to handle disappointment in bf an his resentment towards me

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  • March 25, 2018 at 1:48 pm #199395
    Michele
    Participant

    I have been with my bf for 2 years we have been long distance up until the past month. Our relationship was never perfect but I thought we were doing good since we have been closer. He left his job in another state where he was miserable due to not living near his family or friends or me. Being close to me was definitely the biggest factor in his moving. Any ways in his previous job he was burnt out he was always working and it was starting to take a strain on his mental health. Well he has this new job and he absolutely hates it he recently expressed that he regrets leaving his prior job and moving here since the cost of living is higher. He now has a more free time and weekends off and he can spend time with me his family and friends. I feel extremely guilty and kind of feel as if he is resenting me. A part of me feels like he is looking at the everything negatively. I liked the state he lived in before and he was always quick to tell me there was no way he wanted to stay in that state.
    I got into a fight with him this weekend because I have been in the market for a new car bc my current one is barely hanging on. My bf is a car guy he always helps everyone w their car problems/questions. He agreed to come look at a car w me yesterday and today after I asked. I made an appt to see the car early as there were other potential buyers, and my bf failed to show up (he made plans and “fell asleep”). I am honestly hurt by this and expressed that I was disappointed bc him being there was impt for me. He started going on a rant on how I have no idea what hes dealing with how much he hates living here etc. how he regrets leaving and how he has no sense of purpose with this new job. He finished by congratulating me on the car even though he doesnt like it. I feel like shit I honestly dont know how to handle his regrets about moving. I feel like he is acting different with me bc he resents me.

    March 25, 2018 at 2:49 pm #199399
    Hara
    Participant

    I certainly wouldn’t want to be with someone who moved to spend more time with you and then does nothing but complain about his woes to you. He must not think much of you to use you as a sponge.

    I was in a long distance relationship. When we started living together for real, everything went down the drain. You never truly know who a person is until you’ve lived with them. You’re better off without him!

    March 25, 2018 at 10:50 pm #199483
    Hey Its Jess
    Participant

    Hello Michelle!

    Listen, he is clearly going through a tough time right now so however he treats you, its best to not take it personally. You need to emotionally distance yourself from him for the sake of inner peace. Give him some time to sort out his things. You can focus on other things to keep yourself busy.

    When he has calmed down, you guys need to sit down and talk about how you really felt. And come from a place of love not resentment.

    hopefully it works out for you 🙂

    March 26, 2018 at 5:14 am #199513
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michelle:

    In early March of last year, you shared  that this man has  “anger issues”.

    You wrote: “He has been extremely stressed at work… He continuously called me  an asshole… He  didn’t stop, I have  turned off  my phone because  I can’t listen to him anymore. He  brought  up the same  points  he  made Saturday  about me not caring  about the  relationship because I haven’t  applied in North Carolina…he has again thrown the same comments in my face about not  doing anything for the relationship… He has accused  me  of being  unfaithful when I  haven’t. All I so is study and work… I am hurt that he  gave into his anger already. This makes  me scared… I am tired  of being  yelled at and crying because the person I love treats me like this.”

    What you shared then and  yesterday leads  me  to this understanding: what troubles  your boyfriend are things  from way before you came into his life.

    It was not the job he had  before that was responsible for his  anger issues then. It is  not his current  job that  is responsible for his anger  issues now. It is not the distance from his family, friends and you that was responsible a year ago for his anger issues then. It is not you who is responsible for  his anger  now.

    It is in his early relationships in his young  life where his anger originated. His anger originated in his parents/ care takers not loving him enough, not doing enough for him, not attending  to him when he  was  distressed, being alone with his distress.

    In his adult life he inaccurately projects his anger  into you, blaming you for not loving him enough, for not doing enough for him  (for the relationship), etc.

    And  as a result you  feel guilty.

    Your thoughts…?

    anita

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