How to get your priorities in order while everything is falling apart~

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This topic has 286 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 17, 2018 at 1:32 pm #217333

Anonymous
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Dear Bella:

I didn’t know he wanted to get married with you- did he ask you and if he did, how is it that you didn’t marry him sometime during the eight years you lived together?

anita

July 17, 2018 at 2:17 pm #217345

Bella
Participant

hi anita,

He started asking me to marry him less than a year after we were together. I wanted to wait and make sure of my feelings is why I didn’t marry him after the first few years and also since he didn’t have a job for 2 years I felt we needed to get our priorities in order because he was usually stressed because of his obligations to pay his ex for child support and other things.

Then when I was ready to get married I got sick which was 10/2016…and wanted to wait until I was better. Then in 2017 I told him we would get married in 9/2018 since he would be finished with his obligations to his ex and out debts would be paid off by then and September is both of our Birthdays and he agreed.

That is why I am concerned he may marry this girl because he wanted to always get married to me and maybe he would do it to teach me a lesson and hurt me because I never would marry him…

It is just a twinge of a feeling I have and it scares me to death because I don’t have a clue as to how I would handle if he did marry.

I believe that is what is making me so upset!!

Bella~

July 17, 2018 at 2:27 pm #217347

Bella
Participant

Hi Anita,

One other thing…I had thought about asking him if he had plans to marry her & is that why he continually tells me we could never work things, but I didn’t want to give him any ideas, or give him the opportunity to say he was planning on it.

Maybe he is going to ask her & wants to wait to tell me, or possibly he doesn’t give a shit and will just marry her and not care how I feel…

And then again, maybe I am driving myself crazy with these thoughts because I don’t know how I would handle it…(Which I know it’s not my decision).

I am starting to think I am trying to prevent something in my head that may never happen.

Bella~

July 18, 2018 at 3:36 am #217397

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Bella:

Even if it did happen, what difference would it make to him or to her.. or to you? It will be a legal transaction, that is all, wouldn’t it? Single one day, married the next. He is not a young man eager to start a family. This would be a later-in-life legal transaction, nothing like and-they-lived-happily-ever-after fairytale.

(Finances, reads to me, were a big part in the relationship with him, on his part, worrying about making child support payment, not being employed for a while, you not wanting to marry him because he didn’t have a job, his bad credit, cancelling the sale of the house, him moving out)

anita

July 18, 2018 at 6:34 am #217451

Bella
Participant

Hi Anita,

I feel simply sad…My friend said he felt I have another 5, or 6 mos. until the hurt is gone & I told him I hope not, but I am afraid so…

For some reason in the past few days I am starting to miss things that I never appreciated before. And it hurts, but I feel if he were here things would be the same as they were before he moved out. Maybe it just bothers me that I think he is so happy…But that’s all probably fabricated in my head also…

The hardest part is that he walked out & never looked back…

He did call yesterday and was in my driveway with the key he was suppose to mail and he said I am here come out. and I told him to just leave the key in the mailbox and he did…That was all that was said~

Bella~

July 18, 2018 at 8:20 am #217477

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Bella:

“simply sad” is not so bad if you aren’t afraid of it, of feeling sad. Feeling simply sad means you lost something. I think you lost a hope and a dream of growing old with a man, so happens it was this man. Sometimes you are still hoping for him to be back, so the loss is not complete.

If it was complete, the loss of what he meant to you, then the sadness would not be a torture.

anita

July 23, 2018 at 6:16 am #218223

Bella
Participant

Hi Anita,

I went to dinner with a friend & all I wanted to do was to get back home in my comfort zone…I also contacted an old friend from about 20 years ago & he came by with a pizza and we talked. I basically had to run him off, but did enjoy talking to him. When he got home, he sent me a text and said he thought we would feel better if we would have held one another. I told him several time times about my situation and that I was in no way ready for any type of physical contact, so it really bothered me that he mentioned the holding thing.

I still feel like I am in a committed relationship, which I know I am not~ I just feel that way. And again, maybe I still have hope me & my ex will get back together. I really wish I would meet someone, but have no desire to go out. Even the little bit I am out, my feelings are still the same.

I received the key from my ex last week and I believe it was a day or so after I called him & asked to talk & told him it hurt my feelings that he has never spoken to me about anything since he moved & asked to get together. He said he had nothing to say & didn’t care what was bothering me, that he was not going to listen to anything I had to say. He said he was removed from the situation months ago and did not want to talk about anything, whether it would make me feel better or not.

I know I shouldn’t have asked, but I did and now it’s over. It added hurt to what was already in my Heart and made it worse. So, I really understand the no contact rule. I was hoping he would talk and tell me he still cared & did I get a surprise. Now, I know 100% that I need to find someone before my life is over. I don’t want to be alone & I know I want to share my life with someone and be happy & Loved…and give the same in return.s

Bella~

July 23, 2018 at 6:44 am #218229

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Bella:

Your last line, it is a beautiful desire, to love and be loved in return. It is a beautiful experience, the most beautiful of all. We are born with that desire, and we die with it. Some people give up on experiencing it, but I don’t think that the need dies before we do.

Your ex was very clear. Better place him in the Past compartment of your brain.

The friend who brought the pizza, maybe he is still an option even though he said that the two of you would have felt better if you held each other. He was probably focusing on having wanted to hold you and be held by you and wasn’t thinking at the moment he said that, that you expressed to him that you are not ready for such. If you talk to him and see him again, you can repeat to him very clearly, that you are not ready or wanting physical intimacy at this point. Then if he ignores your statement a second time, well, then it is a problem.

Good to read from you again, I was wondering about you.

anita

July 23, 2018 at 7:45 am #218243

Bella
Participant

Hi Anita,

I feel like I am trying to move on, but I don’t understand how after everything that has happened, that my ex can’t have any type of concern for me after being together 8 yrs. That is what keeps me hanging on with hope that he will come to his senses. I know I don’t think or feel like he does, but that thought never goes away, no mater what anyone says. It kills me and brings me down so much. Whenever the thought passes my mind I feel sick to my stomach~

Bella~

July 23, 2018 at 7:57 am #218249

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Bella:

What if instead of waiting for him to “come to his senses”, you come to your own? What I mean by this is that it may be the time to accept part of the reality of life no one likes to accept, or to examine to start with. People lie, people betray trust, people reciprocate love with hate, people do all kinds of cruelties to others.

Not everyone, of course. But a whole lot of people all over the world. Wouldn’t it be lovely if everyone was decent, personally and socially responsible, caring to do-no-harm to others? It would be lovely.

But this is not the world we live in. And sometimes, we too harm others. We have to be careful, to be true to ourselves and to others, to be assertive and to do no harm, not to ourselves and not to others. We have to consider the consequences of our actions, to see that we say what we mean and mean what we say.

So who should come to one’s senses?

anita

July 24, 2018 at 7:52 am #218515

Bella
Participant

Hi Anita,

I need to be the one to come to my senses…I need to understand he doesn’t feel like I do and as much as it hurts I feel in his eyes I never existed. I have wasted my whole summer & I hope I get past this before fall comes around!

Send some Prayers my way, Please~

Bella~

July 24, 2018 at 8:32 am #218521

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Bella:

A prayer then: may all you hopes for a future with him dry out this very summer and be gone, fall off by Fall.

In his eyes you never existed, so you feel. Well, you did exist and you still exist. You have what it takes to make it through to a new beginning. And you don’t have to wait for the Spring, for that new beginning. Today, this very moment, a new beginning.

anita

July 24, 2018 at 9:20 am #218535
Bella
Participant
Hi Anita,

I have read several other post from different people in a similar position & it seems we all feel about the same. So, I realized from reading this feeling must be normal under the circumstances.

A friend of mine called right before this post and told me she saw my ex with a female in the grocery store. She described her to me and it really hurt. She said she was short and very small & long brown hair…Complete opposite of me, tall blonde hair and a little plump. (haha) he was always trying to get me to eat more to the point he would bring food to bed. He always would say, better fat & happy than skinny & unhappy. I always told him I didn’t feel comfortable with my weight & wanted to loose, but he would say he Loved me as I was & did not want me to looses any weight. I know it is stupid for me to even think about it because it is a moot point~

Now he is with this tiny girl and I feel even more terrible than I did before. I can’t seem to stop thinking about the 2 of them. It makes me sick, but now I know & don’t have to wander what she looks like.

I will continue to work on myself…I have no choice but to pick myself up by the boot straps and realize I was just flavor of the month until he found a new one~

Do you feel he has completely stopped thinking about me & our 8 years together…or is it possible that he just put me in a box and permanently closed the lid. I still think of relationships I had 30 years ago~

Bella~
- This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Bella.
July 24, 2018 at 11:01 am #218561

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Bella:

Did he put you in a box and permanently closed the lid- no, I don’t think it is possible to close the lid that tight. He remembers you of course. Who knows, maybe his current girlfriend is jealous of you, wondering if he still thinks about you. Maybe she is giving him a hard time, being jealous of his recent past with you, saying to him something like: you were with her for eight years! You must have loved her very much!

I mentioned the fly on the wall idea to you. If you were, you would probably be surprised. Things are probably different from what you imagine they are much of the time.

Regardless, moving on to Fall, letting the past dry out in the summer heat, wrinkle and become dust… Fall, a new beginning.

anita

August 4, 2018 at 5:55 am #220269

Bella
Participant

Anita,

Wanted to touch base with you…

I have not spoken, or had any contact with my ex since our last post. I am in the angry mode at the present because of the financial bind he put me in when he moved on, but I feel that will pass soon.

I still have had thoughts during the passing days about our relationship & try my best to focus on the future & realize it was a blessing that he moved on…

The more I think about things I realize he has a pattern of once a relationship is not fun for him anymore he moves on. I know he can’t have true feelings of love to give is why he never made any effort to contact me. It is not possible to be with a person as long as we were together and walk away to start over with no contact…

Hopefully, each passing day I will continue to heal.

It is still very raw & does hurt…

Bella~
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