Hi Anita,

Today has been rough so far, I think because of all of the Holidays in the last few month, Mothers Day/Fathers Day/ Easter and of course 4th of July…I do feel sad today even though yesterday was ok…

I do wish I could stop wondering how my ex is…I know it DOES NOT matter.  I think the hardest thing is after being together for 8 yrs. I truly do not understand how he can not even to check & see how I am doing.   It doesn’t seem normal to me.Also, I would like your view on a comment he made that I had posted in an earlier post.  2 weeks ago when we briefly met, he said I need to tell you about a dream I had …”I dreamed I built a house & had a seperate bedroom on each end, one for you & one for my girlfriend”…He said, “I can tell you this, but not her…she would get too upset”  I just looked at him and got in my car & left.  Not spoken since…

Bella~

Hi Anita,

I feel you are correct about his low character…I tried not to read much in to his comment about building the house, but I couldn’t help but let it slip back into my thoughts in the past few weeks.  It sickened me when he said it because it made me feel hurt & like my feelings didn’t matter.  I would never say such a thing…Especially, when he let me know it would upset her and he took no thought into my feelings.  I don’t even think he noticed my expression when he said it to me…I couldn’t see my own face when he said it but I know in my Heart it was pure pain and hurt!

As I have been told by many & know in my Heart he is not the one for me.  He is selfish and I believe he only cares about his happiness.  He is repeating his life with his first family with me…I don’t have children with him but I use to be active in a cat rescue group and have 2 that we rescued 5 yrs. back…One was sick about 2 1/2 mos. ago and he never followed up with me to see how our little boys was doing.  I love them both dearly and thought about moving in the near future to get away from the madness and distance myself from him, but one thing that prevents it for now is the welfare of my cats.  As silly as it may sound, this is the only home they have known and the thoughts of moving somewhere new and possibly they could run away in a strange place, I am hesitant.  Maybe I will take my time and get all of my affairs in order and move next year.  I want to be 100% sure that is what I really would like.  I still have property and my home to sell before I could move and it is not an easy task for someone who is as broken hearted as I am to make such a life altering decision .

Just the thought of selling/packing/finding a new home & not even knowing where I would go is strenuous.  I have so many things to get rid of it is overwhelming.

I am starting to realize after 8 yrs. I really didn’t know the true soul of this man…I ask myself how could I have been so blind?  Most people say he was using me for a home & he felt secure with me…Maybe he saw me as an easy target…I don’t know.  But I can think myself to death and never know the true answer.  The thing that makes me realize the most about his character is he did the same to me as he did his ex, and they had 3 children…I never saw any remorses in him about not seeing them or any regrets about the way he treated her when he left.  I do remember a letter she wrote him say he was breaking her heart and she didn’t know if she could live without him…I should have realized then he was of low character.  I am sure he has told his new girlfriend about the few conversations we have had.  Probably to make her jealous…I remember his ex asked him to go to therapy with her before he left and only went once, he came over and laughed and said the therapist told them their was no way they would be about to work things out and the love was gone.  I thought it was a bit personal for him to tell about such a private moment with his spouse, but not to him.  He said she drove away crying and he showed no empathy for her.  I know it seems like so many red flags, but when we were together he seemed so loving, but I see now he can turn it on and off like a facuact.  And with all of the lies he has told me which I am now finding out about, I just feel foolish.  It was funny because a few month before he moved out, (me thinking things were fine at the time) we would go somewhere in his car and I remember the seat being moved back when I sat down & I did ask who had been in my seat?  He elaborated in such detail, nobody but you ever rides in this car. I just thought of that today is why I brought it up.  Things just keep popping up which fuels me all over like it just happened… I would like to grab him & slam his face into a brick wall.

Part of me would like to confront him with all I have found out & tell him what a scum bag he is.  What prevents me from doing so are a few reasons…He already knows what he has done & what a liar he is…I wouldn’t give him the pleasure of seeing me upset (because I know I would either get angry, or cry…and I would never let him know I still care.  I hope and pray in the near future I am able to forget about most of his existence and the life we shared together.  We are cut from 2 different cloths~

Bella~

Hi Anita,

Is it normal for me to continue to wake up with the feeling of loss, even though I am beginning to realize he was not the one for me.  I still have feelings for him that do cause me pain of hurt.  I kills me to find out all of the lies he told me because I would have gone to my death never believing he would have done so many terrible things.  And I do know it was all planned by the way it ended. Is it normal for me to still wonder about these things as they fleetingly go through my mind without much control on my part…

Bella~

Hi Anita,

Wanted to say Hi & give an update…Last night was a restless night, but I am going to meet someone for lunch today.  We spoke yesterday for a long time on the phone & seem to have a lot in common…I am going with an open and positive attitude…One problem,  I feel like I am being deceptive to the relationship of the past and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

I try so hard to put him out of my mind and as always,  thoughts creep back in.  Even in a sick way I have caught myself wondering if he would ever come back if I keep my distance and maybe by some chance he would miss me enough to call.  I know that is not going to happen and is prolonging my healing.  What can I do to stop me from thinking these thoughts.  I guess whenever someone says , “he will come back”, it makes me wonder if he would and what would I say to him.  I really don’t know.

Deep down inside I really do understand we were so different & is why we split…Our values were nothing in line with one another.  And I have seen how his life now is polar opposite of what we had planned together.  We had a future planned with building a home, saving our money and hanging out at home.  Now, all he does is go out of town, diner, trips and spend money like it is going out of style.

How could he live so completely different now with her than he did with me?  Questions I keep asking myself & then I start to blame myself again for the break-up…It’s like every time I start to feel better and realize it wasn’t all my fault, these thoughts of what could I have changed come rushing back in.  I have never been this distant with a break-up.  Every time I think us only seeing one another 4 times very briefly in the past 3 months hurts.

It just doesn’t seem normal after 8 yrs. not to wonder or have any contact.  Like I said before I will not contact him & if he tried I wouldn’t respond to him even If I wanted. The only way I would talk to him is if he made a real effort and even send a letter, or show up and ask to explain.  Not that it would heal , or make me able to forgive…I am not sure what I am hoping for.  I feel I would even be afraid to ever talk to, or trust him again.  I know it’s not an option at all, so please tell me, why am I wasting my time with these useless thoughts…

Bella~

Hi Anita,

I received an email from the bank yesterday that my ex had requested a change in address on my bank account & I was livid…I called & the bank told me he would need to change it back since he was attached to the account for some reason, even after I personally went to the bank to have everything changed over a month ago.

I called him & left a message & he called back, hateful and a high pitched voice telling me he didn’t do anything, all he said he did was order checks.  But he did say he knew the account had been closed, so I don’t feel he was being truthful.  He was so hateful & he  told me he had a few things here he would like to have, but would pick them up when he was ready.  I told him to come today which is his day off & he said it wasn’t good for him, that he would call sometime in the next few weeks and let me know.  I told him no, he needed to get them now.  Then he asked why I was in a hurry to have him get them, that that I should just leave them where they were until he could come by.  Then he asked why I requested he get his things which were in my attic a few weeks ago, which he did pick up. He said that wasn’t necessary, they could have stayed in the attic & they were not hurting anything…

My question is why do you think is won’t pick them up & be done with it & why can’t he talk in a civil tone when we are on the phone.  In person he is not such an ass, but on the phone he turn in to a complete jerk.  When I asked him to stop yelling he said his door was closed at work and he wasn’t.

Why do you think he won’t just get his things and be done with it.  I told him I was moving on and wanted nothing of his here and he seems to think there is nothing wrong with him waiting…It is driving me crazy… One thing is a box of his old family pictures, or I would just throw everything away!

Bella~

Hi Anita,

The things that are here are less than 2 boxes of things…He told me it was a few things in the house he had in a box or 2…I told him to send me an email & give me a list & I would set them out for him and he said he would call in a week or 2 when he had time and make arrangements to pick them up…I told him asap & he upset me & I said a few nasty things and hung up on him.  He did not call, or respond back…If it were not pictures of his mom & dad, I would throw them out.  Why do you think he will not just come and get them and be done with it.

He has everything else…He did say he didn’t understand the urgency of his things being removed, just wait until it was good for him to come & pick them up…

Bella

Hi Anita,

As hateful as he is when we spoke, I couldn’t imagine he wants to return.  I hear so much anger, like never before.  Raised voice & will not really respond to much & just ask me, “Are you finished”  which he knows annoys me…

But the items which are here are more sentimental, old family pic of his deceased parents…which I would feel terrible to throw out & would no do.  But, he knows how angry I am & that is a possibility and he still has no urgency to get them.  Like I had mentioned when we were speaking, he said he didn’t know why it bothered me for him to have them here.

Bella

Hi Anita,

I guess as we have discussed in the past few months in out posts to one another…

He can’t be understood due to his lack of character and all of his lies…I don’t understand & as I told him, no need to be hateful to one another.  He know how to get me upset.  One funny thing, he did say I was going to call and check on you tomorrow & I said what for, you wouldn’t help me if I wasn’t ok and needed something…His response, well maybe you fell and drowned in the bath tub.   My goodness, what kind of a remork!  I am beginning to believe he may be a bit deranged…

Bella