Home→Forums→Tough Times→How to get your priorities in order while everything is falling apart~
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June 14, 2018 at 9:21 am #212469
AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
From what you shared here over time, he did care for you during the years he lived with you. I think your communication was ineffective for a long time, maybe the whole time. I think there was anger on both sides that wasn’t addressed. But there was love, there was caring.
And now, it is in the past.
The madness is about playing the past over and over again, and not just playing it repeatedly, but with distortions, with untruths, as I see it, inserting retroactive explanations to what happened, assumptions, not seeing the truth of what was or what is.
You spend a lot of time alone, not socializing and there is only him and the past, so you keep replaying and obsessing.
The madness you referred to, stopping the madness is about placing this story in the past, not denying the love that was there. Not retroactively figuring he chose you as his next victim.
Place it in the past and look around you, look at your life as it is. Let go of what was.
Focus on now, here and now, however lonely. The here-and-now is the life that is available to you. However unsatisfactory to you, it is preferable to obsessing about the past.
See what is true, here now.
anita
June 14, 2018 at 1:11 pm #212503
BellaParticipantHi Anita,
I am going to try my best to put the past behind me. You are so right, I can assume all I want, but will never understand this mess. It is still such an open sore in my life that needs time to heal. I know in my heart what I need to do, forget the past and move on. I do spend a lot of time alone & need to socialize more. A big step for me, but I need to take baby steps to get past this. I appreciate all of your great and caring advice, as I have no other way of pouring all of these thought to. Seems a little easier to open up to you, even though I do not know you. You have turned in to a big part of my life. I don’t know if that is good, or bad…How can I feel so close to & open up to someone I have never met? You are greatly appreciated & please send some hope my way…
Thank You,
Bella~
June 15, 2018 at 2:40 am #212553AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation of me. You asked how can you feel so close and open up to someone you never met- well, we did meet right here, as far as I am concerned. I am a real person typing these words and you are a real person. Unlike many interactions between people that are superficial, on the surface, our interactions are deeper. And ongoing for a while. And then, the two of us are respectful to each other, I try to understand you best I can, not trying to hurt you… so yes, I can see how you can feel close and open up to me.
I do hope you place this man and this relationship in your past, mentally, view it as that, something that happened and is no longer happening. Do post anytime you’d like and when I am at the computer (has been daily for years so far), I will reply to you every time.
anita
June 18, 2018 at 8:32 am #212909BellaParticipantHi Anita,
I have been having a few difficult things running through my head & it is like I am torturing myself on purpose. I know this week was my ex’s family reunion & wondered the whole weekend what he was doing, thinking & wondered if he ever though of me. I know, it sounds like a Country Song…Why am I constantly doing this. I don’t want to look back 6 months from now & be angry that I wasted my time on these type thoughts. I even pictured him calling me when he came back home and told me he was going to marry this girl. Crazy & pointless, I know…Why am I doing this and how can I stop. I worked all weekend in my yard & gave myself permission to cry. Not only over our dissolved relationship, but not being able to tell my Father, “Happy Fathers Day”…I miss him terribly & would give anything to have one hour to look in his eyes and talk to him even though he has been gone for 30 years. I need a hug so bad and can’t hardly stand not having any human touch from someone I Love. I called my ex “High School boyfriend & it has been years since we have spoken, but have always been friends. As soon as he heard my voice he knew it was me & we laughed and talking about life things. I have no desire to be in a relationship with him because we broke up as kids but had different desires & views on life. But I do consider him a forever friend. He is very sweet & kind hearted. I guess I reached out to him because I knew the reaction I would get from him & I did get it. I made me feel a little special that he recognized my voice & we had a decent conversation with no anger or hate words I have gotten from my ex in his last text. I guess reaching out is a good thing, it feels better than to waste time wondering about my ex…I notice their are a lot of people on this site that have been stuck in hopes of relationships they have been in the past for years and continue in hopes of getting back with them. I know this would be destructive for me, but what is all of the wondering on my part? I know it is pointless! I don’t do the social media & soon cutting muy sell phone off… I don’t get any call & it will kill 2 birds with 2 stones..I will have a new number & that way I know my ex will not be able it get in touch if he wanted. Back to the main question, why all the thinking and wondering about him & his thoughts. I know he doesnd’t care because if he did he would just call…I can figure that out. I have done many thing to stay busy, as usual playing the the yard with the animals & watching the beautiful birds and many other animals.
Thanks
Bella
June 18, 2018 at 9:00 am #212915AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
Your question: “why all the thinking and wondering about him & his thoughts”-
Your answer: because you “need a hug so bad and can’t hardly stand not having any human touch from someone (you) Love”.
For that hug, for that human touch from someone you love, you reach out to your father, in your mind, looking in his eyes as you remember his eyes looking at you with love.
You reached out to an old ex boyfriend and you reach out to your most recent ex boyfriend, in your thoughts, for that hug you need so desperately.
You keep yourself busy working in the yard, that is helpful, but you still need love. Can’t stop needing it, no matter how busy we keep ourselves, no matter how illogical it is to keep thinking about a man we don’t want to think about.
We keep reaching out, in one way or another. The song “All you need is love” comes to mind. We do need love.
As you reach out for love, see to it that love is there to reach out to. When love is no longer there we are reaching out to memories alone. I hope to read from you soon.
anita
June 18, 2018 at 12:24 pm #212957BellaParticipantHi Anita,
Said perfectly!!
Most of all besides needing a hug, why am I still wanting to know his thoughts & if is is thinking of me…I know it really makes ni difference, because if he cared in any way he would reach out in some way. I just pray the hrs. pass quickly so each & every day that goes by will put my past with him further behind me. It it wrong to have these thoughts. My goal it 2 weeks at a time & then compare to see how my progress is doing. I was going to sign up at the gym for just one month next week to see if that will help (Don’t see how it could hurt)~
I went to have my oil changed & met a guy and we started talking & he asked if I would like to hang out & just talk. He said he was new to the ares, & was cute and I thought what could it hurt. We met in a local area & it was the longest 1 1/2 hrs.~ It was like pulling teeth to get 1/2 of a conversation out of him…He has 2 small children from an ex 4 hrs. aways that he goes to see ever weekend. And he was looking at his cell phone most of the time. I just wanted to get back home. I had not intention on starting anything with this man, Selfishly, I wanted to see how I would feel just being around someone different. Bad move. Is it because I am just not ready. I am not one to jump into relationships & certainly don’t look for them. Most of my relationships just happened…What I means is No dating websites, or hook-ups from friends. When I came back home is really when I started thinking about how my ex was with someone knew & it hurt. Not understanding while it made me so uncomfortable & him fall into it so easily. You couldn’t pay me enough $$$ to go away with someone & spend the night with then ANY time soon. My ex is the only man I have been with in over 20 yrs. I was single for 12 years before we met! I am certain that is one reason this feels so degrading to me him moving right on to another. I just want to keep my 2 week rule in place & see how it helps. I still cry and feel hurt, but scares me when I read other post of people mourning for 3 to 5 years over their ex’s…
June 19, 2018 at 3:48 am #213015AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
Trying to engage this man in a conversation was one of the reaching out for love efforts on your part. It didn’t work out but not a bad effort on your part.
The gym reads like a good idea! I like it. Maybe it provides yoga classes and other group exercises.. excellent.
About thinking about your ex… keep no contact, make it so new information about him is not available to you. Abstain from any communication with him or about him. Maybe it is similar to this: he is like a skin irritation that itches badly. You keep scratching. The more you scratch, the more inflamed and irritating. Stop scratching, apply some cream, give it time, don’t touch it, don’t scratch it.. and over time, it will no longer itch, no longer bother you.
anita
June 23, 2018 at 1:40 pm #213835BellaParticipantHi Anita,
I have not contacted my ex & it is going on 2 weeks since we spoke…My feelings are like a roller coaster. Some days are better than others. The past 2 nights I have had terrible dreams, him calling & telling me he is going to marry this new girlfriend, my heart stops~ I wake up & feel like I can’t breathe…Is this feeling normal & how long will this roller coaster last if we are not having any contact.
I keep thinking like a child waiting for the Fairy Tale ending & everything working out. I keep hoping he will call or text, but I know in my guthe will not & it is over.
Back to the terrible dreams & waking up in a panic, any recommendations to help this feeling pass?
Bella~
June 24, 2018 at 7:33 am #213901AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
“I keep thinking like a child waiting for the Fairy Tale ending”- yes, we do pay the price for those fairy tale stories read to us as children, “and they lived happily ever after. The End.”
Well, “The End” part is true.
I don’t like going to the movies anymore or reading books because of all the distortions in many, the lived-happily-ever-after is just one, leading us to unrealistic expectations and heartaches.
As to your heartache, the dreams recently, waking up in panic- I suggest that when you go to sleep, take with you to bed a warm, furry bear or such, a cuddly little animal figure. When you wake up in panic, if you do, hold on that little bear or dog, hold it close to your face, feel its touch, relax into it. You can also give yourself a hug, while still lying down, extending your arms to reach out and hug yourself. Then say to yourself: I am okay. It is okay. I am safe. It will be okay.
anita
June 24, 2018 at 8:59 am #213917BellaParticipantHi Anita,
As always you have great advice. Since I don’t have a lot of contact with other people I feel better when I receive an email from you…
I woke up again in the middle of the night once again feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I feel like this will not stop until I have something else to focus on, but in all truth I do have a lot going that I should be taking care of & I still let the downfall of this ended relationship consume me. I still blame myself (and shouldn’t) for the break-up. It makes me angry knowing he is in a happy place & leaving me in a mess. I keep telling myself none of that matters now, he is gone/doesn’t care & is happy and moved on without me. I feel like the fear of what could happy also consumes me…(Him getting married)…
I also keep telling myself that it is his life & does not matter to him what happens to me or how I feel. Regardless of the 8 years we had together he has the right to do whatever he wants. I don’t know if there is much I can do right now other than try to stop thinking about him & what he is feeling or thinking…It is pointless for me to bring this suffering on every day. I wish I could turn my brain off! I dread going to sleep because I know I am going to think all night long…
I don’t know why I keep thinking over & over in my head what I could have changed before this relationship ended. But, I know it wasn’t me…He was the one cheating & almost everything he has told me since he left has been lies. I don’t know exactly how long he had been seeing his new girlfriend but he had this planned before he moved out.
Bella
June 24, 2018 at 9:47 am #213919AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
You are welcome. I like reading from you and replying to you. I think that part of your misery is thinking that he is happy (“he is in a happy place… is happy and moved on without me”).
Knowing his age and past history, from what you shared, I don’t think he is happy. He can’t be happy (for long) because he met another woman or because he gets married, if he does. Happy doesn’t happen this way (if only it did, that would be nice and easy!)
He still has the same brain that he had before, he didn’t get a new one because he left you, or moved on. So he is probably as happy as he was with you. Or as unhappy. No difference.
Think about it. What says you?
anita
June 24, 2018 at 10:16 am #213925BellaParticipantOnce again, you are correct…
I remember once a few weeks ago when we were talking, I made a remark about “I am glad you are so happy” & his reply was “I didn’t say I was so happy”…
I did find out he moved in with his girlfriend & purchased a new RV…I was livid, because he left me stuck with a lot of accumulated debt…He said he would continue to help with these debts. The first month after he moved out he told me he had no money to help, but bought a new RV.
It just makes me so sad to hear about all of these lies that he told me. I know he was seeing her months before he moved & he was never living with someone he worked with. And he had the nerve to bring her to my home to pick up some of his things a few months ago when I wasn’t home…
When I write things down about him & why I really want him back, I get really confused because of the person I thought he was compared to what he really is. I think about how sincere he acted towards me right before he moved out. I can’t express how angry I get knowing he was seeing her before he moved out…I fully understand it is his life & he can do whatever he want’s, but I had 8 years invested and feel he should have respected our 8 years together and not degrade me by lying.
Bella~
June 24, 2018 at 11:02 am #213927AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
Maybe his girlfriend’s money is in that RV. A possibility.
Regarding him seeing her before he moved out, like you suggested, he needed something on the outside before he left what he had. Not that his need justifies him lying to you, of course not. But it helps to understand people’s needs and motivations. A person may be honest in regular circumstances, but when fearful, will lie, even plan to deceive and carry it through. It does take character to feel the fear and do what is right regardless.
And in certain circumstances, everyone will lie and understandably so.
You wrote that “it is his life & he can do whatever he wants”- not really. First he can’t do whatever he wants, no one can (I want to fly like a bird, I can’t). And then, a person shouldn’t do whatever he or she wants, there are other people to consider, it is our social responsibility to do so.
Soon, in about 20 minutes or so, I will be away from the computer for about 15 hours.
anita
June 24, 2018 at 11:24 am #213929BellaParticipantHi Anita,
What can I do to stop beating myself up over his moving out…I keep thinking back to the last week & there were no signs as to him being so unhappy~ I guess when he started the last argument is what lead to the dissolution of our relationship. I really feel he started it on purpose so he could leave and then blame it on me~
He never admitted to any fault or dissolution of the relationship.
Each day when I think about what happened & what I could have done different I see him moving out as planned. It had to be! I remember asking him where is was moving to & he just said he was renting a room from somebody..
I don’t know if it is the new girlfriend or his lies that is getting the best of me. I feel like I am losing control of my life. I want to stop thinking of him so bad I can hardly stand it. Sulking is not doing me any good & I know I need to just get him out of my head before I fall in to a big pit of quicksand. I don’t understand why him moving out has such a “HOLD” on me…
I look forward to hearing from you~
Bella
June 24, 2018 at 11:39 am #213931AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
The key is to not panic. You are imagining that you are falling or are about to fall into a big pit of quicksand. Next you desperately want “to just get him out of my head before I fall in to a big pit of quicksand”.
You are not falling or are about to fall into a pit of quicksand. It only feels this way at times.
If you are able to understand that how you feel is not necessarily reality, then you are going to be less scared of how you feel.
Notice the title of your thread, “everything is falling apart”. Everything is not falling apart because he left, and nothing fell apart since he left. You still live where you lived before. You still eat and are sheltered. You still are of the same age you were before (a few weeks older, I suppose), still of the same health. You even have the same debt as before, not more and not less, isn’t this true?
So, everything is not falling apart and you are not sinking into a quicksand or about to sink. Please relax into the sadness of losing his company which you at least partially enjoyed before. I think it is good he left before further financial complications, such as in co owning property.
Be back in about fifteen hours.
anita
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