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How to get your priorities in order while everything is falling apart~

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  • June 3, 2018 at 3:12 am #210519
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    I wish I could help you by something I type here. My policy is to stick with the truth of the situation, whatever it may be, look for it, look for what is really going on. I find my relief in seeing more and more of what is happening. Somehow, on the long run, it is false beliefs and make-believe thinking that is causing most of our misery.

    So you did see evidence that he has a girlfriend. And you think he met her recently, and the relationship with her has been going on for a couple of months or so… and he told you he wants to live with her in the dream home you and him had in mind for the two of you.. well, cruel, like you wrote, is one element in him telling you that. But.. really, after only a couple of months? Possible, life is stranger than fiction, too often.

    Are you done with the legal/ bank stuff with him, is there any reason for you to be in contact with him? I wonder if it is time to end and eliminate any and all future contact with him?

    anita

    June 3, 2018 at 4:51 am #210535
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    I re-read some of your posts on a previous thread. On May 18, two weeks ago or so, you didn’t know if he really had a girlfriend or made her up. You found your evidence then in the last two weeks?

    I re-read trying to learn a bit about him, through your shares. What comes to mind at this point is that there is a strong connection, in my mind, between his poor financial situation and his relationship with you. He was in the process of getting a divorce when he met you, had no money, had loans and child support payments to make, and was unemployed for two years. You had money and a home.

    This is a strong motivation to have a relationship, that is, a place to live, a way to survive.

    I also noticed that there is something missing in all your shares and that is an indication of an intimate, close relationship with him. Reads like you spent a lot of time with him in the home, but there wasn’t much of a meeting-of-the minds between the two of you, sort of a distance all through, between the two of you. As if the two of you co-existed but were not close.

    anita

    June 3, 2018 at 6:43 am #210549
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    In spite of whatever the reason is for our split and his new relationship, it is only hurtful to me to continue thinking of any reasons why, or who is at fault thinking about any what & what ifs…

    I am going to continue my path to wellness & have absolutely no contact with him.  I do feel the truth is in his past history using women.  His patterns are the same.  He left his ex under the same circumstances he left me and he jumped right in to another relationship while still seeing me because it was easier to start a new relationship than to work on what we had, or (what I thought we had).  I do not in any way shape or form feel most people would stay in relationships if they were as unhappy as he said he was without motive.  He did the same to his ex.

    I hope someday I will meet an honest and sincere person and will keep an open mind instead of having resentment in this past relationship.  I may be alone forever, or could possibly will find a true person.  Who knows.  As for now, all I can do is try to heal and stop thinking about things the best I can.  The whole situation is still raw to me & I fully understand now that he detached himself from this long before he moved  out.  This is a new experience for me & I know it will take some time to stop thinking about the whole scenario.

    Please keep me in your thoughts and Prayers and I will continue to post when I feel a need.

    Thank you…

    Bella~

    June 3, 2018 at 7:15 am #210553
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    You are welcome. You wrote in your recent post and before that you want to stop thinking about him and about the relationship that it was, that you want to move on. And so, I will cooperate with your effort to not think about him and the relationship by no longer commenting about it.

    Looking forward to your next post, when you do feel a need to post. Will keep you in mind, of course.

    anita

    June 3, 2018 at 7:35 am #210557
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I re-read your last post about us not having a strong connection.  We had more of a friendship relationship, because he usually would not talk in depth about finances, or important things.  He said often he always wished he could close the world out & just the two of us in it.  I know now that wasn’t healthy.  Maybe as time goes by, day by day it will get better for me.  I will start to feel almost like I can take a deep and realize how much better I will be once I move on & then the stab in my Heart, when I ask myself is this really happening?  Is that a normal feeling?  You also never commented on what I posted when we saw one another on Tuesday, the kiss & telling me to find someone to take care of me.  He also asked me if I put make-up on for him, or if I was wearing it when I went out also. Was he just making a quick escape plan out with the kiss before he gave me a chance to stop him…Which I just let him walk out the door and didn’t say a work.  He also did not take his belongings he came for.  And he brought up a project he was going to take care of that needed to be done & I made no remark.  I would just like your opinion.  I realize I am a bit wishy washy at the moment, hopefully it will pass.  Thank You~

    June 3, 2018 at 8:06 am #210563
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    You wrote: “I ask myself is this really happening? Is that a normal feeling?”- to wonder if this is really happening, you mean? If so, yes, I believe it is normal. When we don’t like what is happening, not prepared for it and not liking it, we naturally rejecting reality, removing it from our awareness best we can, pretending it is not really happening.

    You do and you don’t want to think about him and the relationship  that was. Understandable. Well, because you asked, I will go back to your post of two days ago regarding Tuesday (as well as part of your recent post), and look into his motivations best I can:

    “He said he loved me & would always care, but he had moved on and he kept making the remark. we are not lovers… He asked if the property that I had purchased last year.. if I had an interest in selling to him & how much I had in it… he said he would like to have it, but at 1/3 of what I paid…He said I needed to realize he was going to build a home with her & I needed to get a grip that possibility… he kept looking at me & reaching to hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be ok… he tells me he is no longer my lover and hopes I can find someone as he has. Then he kissed me like he use to and said he needed to go….He also asked me if I put make-up on for him, or if I was wearing it when I went out also.. He also did not take his belongings he came for”

    People are often conflicted, just like you currently are: on one hand not wanting to think about him and what happened and on the other hand you do want to think about him and what happened. As far as he goes, he may be conflicted as well, still having tender feelings for you and at the same time he may be involved with another woman, having tender feelings to her as well. Maybe he told you repeatedly that the two of you are not lovers because in his mind he wants to make sure he is not cheating on his new girlfriend. So my guess is that he is conflicted.

    He is sometimes angry at you, right? So he may be conflicted with tender loving feelings for you and anger. Maybe, like you suspected, he was trying to hurt your feelings when talking about living in your dream home with another woman. I can’t really think he was not trying to hurt hour feelings stating that. Unless he is that inattentive to what he is saying, being so callous.

    I don’t know him, of course.

    anita

     

     

    June 3, 2018 at 8:35 am #210569
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Please explain to me how only after a few short months can he feel like he is cheating on her?  By telling me we are not lovers…I have made no attempt to show that emotion to him.  And do you feel the kiss was to assure him he had no feelings for me?  I realize new relationships take a while to get past the honeymoon stage, but it just upsets me so to think he was doing this behind my back and feel no remorse for cheating on me.  I just wish he would have come clean before all of this happened.  I remember before he moved out he would be very loving and then change.  I guess he knew she was there to catch him when he fell.  I don’t feel he would have moved out if he hadn’t found a new person in his life with nowhere to go.  Can a person actually have a healthy relationship with him under these terms.  How can he feel no shame for what he has done.  Making me feel it was me & the whole time I felt it was my fault.  He was not strong enough to leave without having someone else to be waiting for him.  Yes, I am rambling & am sorry, but I have many questions & feelings flowing threw me at the moment.

    June 3, 2018 at 9:05 am #210583
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    You are making assumptions about him and what happened. Some may be correct, others not correct. Do you think he is living with this girlfriend, and if so, why do you think that he told you recently that he may soon be homeless?

    anita

    June 3, 2018 at 9:49 am #210593
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    He said he may lose his job is why he mentioned the homeless part.  I feel he was being a bit dramatic when he said that, or maybe trying to get me to feel sorry for him.  I am not sure.  I have no idea where or who he is living with.  I do feel it could be with her because he didn’t mention or really know anybody to have had such a quick place to move in to.  it would be easy enough for me to find out, but I really don’t want to know.  I guess assumptions is all I have to go on because he only told me what he wanted me to know.  He told me when he left that he was moving in a house close to where he worked.  And the girlfriend, he just said he had one, not that he has had her for months before he left. I hope this passes soon, because this is a guessing game for me which is draining the life out of me.  I want so badly to forget he ever existed…

    June 4, 2018 at 4:04 am #210625
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    “I want so badly to forget he ever existed”, you wrote. It isn’t possible. So what is the alternative? To learn from what you do remember. This is what I learned from what you shared so far about you and the relationship: you don’t know him well. You didn’t really get to know him well in eight years!

    It is possible to live with a man, a boyfriend, for eight years and not know him well. Not necessarily because he only told you what he wanted you to know (“he only told me what he wanted me to know”), but because you didn’t listen to what he did say and/ or didn’t ask him questions.

    You wrote about his current circumstances: “it would be easy enough for me to find out, but I really don’t want to know”.

    We people do stay away from conversations about topics we don’t want to think about. I suppose he stayed away from the financial topic, so you didn’t know at the time about his bad credit, because he didn’t want to think about it. There are topics in my life I don’t want to think about, so I don’t. I don’t take care of those things and it may very well hurt me in the future. Yet, I still feel the resistance.. don’t want to!

    And so, for eight years you lived with him, not knowing a whole lot about him. And you still don’t want to know. I understand.

    Problem is, you can’t forget and what you can’t forget is lots of assumptions and little verified information. In my understanding he may- or may not- have a girlfriend. He may or may not want to get back with you. I don’t know.

    I pay -and will pay- the price of not knowing what I need to know and you do to.

    anita

     

    June 9, 2018 at 12:17 pm #211843
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    It has been a week * no contact.  I have many of his items in my  attic  & decided to text him and let hm know I had gotton them dowm * he could pick them up.  As I had mentioned before abut a piece of property I had purchased to built out forever home on.  He had been working on stops & the lumber has been sitting there for 6 mos. with me paying an electric bill.  I told him the last tome we spoke I would leave the power on so he could work on the stops, due to him making the effort.  The power was cut  a week later  (He has had several months & did nothing to finish his project), he was upset, so he collected all of his items inside and took them with him when he went home,  Never mentioned to me what had happened.

    I texted him yesterday and let him know the rest of his things were at the house in front of the garage & he was more than welcome to come get them at his convenience. And I didn’t need to be here when he came, because I was disappointed about his cheating! And also I would appreciate his friends, or friend to stop calling me telling me he was taken & has a girlfriend & has had one for a long time. He responded with I was full of s%&T and he knows she doesn’t have my number. He must be in a fog and really must believe whatever she tells him.  I plan on getting my number changed and wipe this whole thing away since ist is finally over since all of his things are gone.  Each & every time we have spoken it does not end well & keeps getting worse.  He didn’t ask any details about the phone call from the person who called & I didn’t recognize the voice.  As I mentioned before, he is no longer the person I once knew!  So Sad…It’s also as any chance he has to lash out at me & say cruel things he does.  No, I am sorry about the cheating,sorry I jumped the gun about the power being turned!  It hurts, but Maybe he really hates me and he just plane old fashioned does not have any feelings except hate for me.  I feel I tried my best to be nice, but nothing has worked.  I will be gone this evening when he picks up his things…

    Bella

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Bella.
    June 10, 2018 at 2:31 am #211879
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    There seems so have been a development in the story in the last week, after your June 3 post, and that is that his friends or friend called you “telling me he was taken & has a girlfriend & has had one for a long time”- tell me more about that call or calls, will you?

    You wrote that you told him recently that you “would leave the power on (in the forever home the two of you were planning to live in before the breakup) so he could work on the stops”- what is that about, I don’t understand. Why do you expect him to work on the house that is no longer an option for him, that is, he will not live there with you and cannot afford to buy from you?

    anita

    June 14, 2018 at 7:33 am #212451
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I texted my ex after I got all of his belongings from my attic to let him know he could come & get them…(I knew they needed to go, it was hurting me leaving loose ends)…He was a bit nasty in his text and said he may bring a Sheriff with him, which was crazy because we haven’t been talking or texting in almost 2 weeks…I don’t understand all of the anger from him, he was the one cheating and moved in with the girlfriend.  He texted and said he was going to pick up a few more things from the garage which (lawn care equipment) and I texted back and said no and would he call because I do not like texting because it ends up bad each time we start texting.  He has not contacted me as of yet because he is out of town at his family reunion which he took his girlfriend with him.  I just can’t get my mind around how after our 8 years together he continues to be so angry with me.  The last time he was here he kissed me before he left & we both agreed we would be nice to one another.  Then he continues to be nasty in his text.  I know I should probably just not respond to him, but deep down I continue to hope we can talk.  I can’t get over this & my heart is so broken…

    Bella

    June 14, 2018 at 8:17 am #212457
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    Some of your telling of what is happening and has been happening doesn’t make sense to me, important parts in the telling are missing. I tried to understand the missing part by asking you a couple of questions in my last post to you. If you would like to answer those questions, please do.

    anita

    June 14, 2018 at 8:49 am #212465
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    This whole situation is confusing to me, I can understand how it is hard to sift through.  I am so upset I can’t think straight.  Even in the best scenario I know the feelings I had for him him could no longer be.  I would never trust him after what he has done.  Maybe in his mind has  justified his cheating because it was his way out & it is his nature to cheat.  He had told me when we met he cheated on his ex.  That should have been a red flag for me, but he said he would never cheat on me.  I wish we could go back 2 months & knowing what I know now, I would have done things differently.  I feel with his cheating and resistance to dealing with uncomfortable situations, maybe it was just a matter of time for him to move on to his next victim as he did. Please, how can I get him out of my mind.  Knowing what I know, my Heart is still breaking and I can’t believe how he can just walk away & shut the door like we never spent the past 8 years together.  I know I will be better off without him, I just can’t stop thinking about him and what he is doing and if he ever thinks about us, or if he is able to throw it away like he has.  I feel so foolish even wasting another minute thinking about him.  How do I stop this madness…

    Bella~

     

     

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