Home→Forums→Tough Times→How to get your priorities in order while everything is falling apart~
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August 19, 2018 at 7:24 am #222079
BellaParticipantHi Anita,
I would like to share today on a positive note in the right direction for healing & my positive feelings. I have been causally talking to a friend of mine since the break-up with my ex. We worked together approx. 28 yrs. ago & have always been distant friends. He is a person of high integrity & ex-military background which I grew up in & understand very well. He was married when we worked together, but has since been divorced 15 yrs. He has never dated anyone seriously since his divorce as he is hesitant of commitment. I always knew that about him & it intrigued me. (rare in men) Which is fine for me because I prefer not to have someone like my ex that want’s to jump from lily pad to lily pad being in Love so often & so quickly.
We are meeting for lunch today & then a movie and if we decide afterwards ~ coffee & chat. We have been talking on the phone several times a day & he is very considerate, I can tell he listens to what I say I am doing for the day, because he will call after the fact & ask me how things went. Very refreshing from what I have been living with in the past 8 yrs. with my ex. These feelings are reminding me of new possibilities in a relationship. I am not looking to fall in Love, I would like a trusting friend and someone to care about & the same towards me.
I am not expecting Love, or anything amazing, just looking for a friend & the possibilities of a relationship. Since I knew him years ago, I feel like I know a lot about him without since we have a long friendship & because I knew his wife also. (We all worked for the same company & he still works there. He doesn’t play games & he is very responsible. He is a little low key & has not traveled & he is not a materialistic person. If anything, that would be one thing that could cause differences in us since I have always traveled & I do like nice things. But those are minor compared to what I have dealt with in the past.
I am happy to feel comfortable enough to want to spend time with him.
I will fill you in tomorrow & let you know what happens. I want to take this nice & slow and make sure of my true feelings.
I am not saying I still haven’t been thinking of my ex, because I have. His Birthday is next week and I always acknowledged it and was wandering if I should send him a card, or a text. Something simple from me & the cats. I wouldn’t leave the door open or anything, just a simple “Happy Birthday” text. What do you think??
Bella~
August 19, 2018 at 7:53 am #222083
AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
I think that sending the ex a birthday card or text is a bad idea and it is you keeping the door open. After the card/ text you will be waiting for a response, this is the door being open.
Your attitude regarding this old friend reads good to me, “nice and slow”, and “looking for a friend & the possibility of a relationship”. Pay attention, listen, ask little questions, share a bit, listen to his response, observe, learn. And have fun.
Looking forward to your next post!
anita
August 19, 2018 at 8:12 am #222089BellaParticipantHi Anita,
My exact feelings about the Birthday, I just didn’t want to seem uncaring on his Birthday, but you are right…I would wait for a response & he doesn’t deserve my caring about him, or to wish him a Happy Birthday…In all Honesty, I hope he is miserable.
Another thing, the man I am seeing today would run for the hills if he thought I still had feelings for my ex. He is up to date on the relationship & told me weeks ago when he was listening to me cry about the break-up, told me I deserved better & I needed to move on. That is one big plus with him is we both know one anothers past & the current situations. So, there is no deceit, or having to try & be someone we are not. Everything is out on the table…100% honesty…
I do listen to what he is saying & ask questions with him so I can learn more about his feelings. Like I said earlier, I am leaving the door open to the possibilities, but am not jumping in to anything. Sad but, I want to be over my ex 99.99% before I would get involved with him. I am respectful to his commitment issues & would not want to falsely lead him in to anything.
I am so glad I have you to bounce things off of. You are like my New Best Friend Anita~
Bella~
August 19, 2018 at 8:31 am #222091AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
Talking about “no deceit… Everything is out on the table…100% honesty”- it would be dishonest to send a happy birthday wishes to someone you hope is miserable!
And to be this honest with the man you will be seeing today, it is not required that you feel any particular way about your ex. The only requirement for 100% honesty is that you close the door on your ex as far as your behavior goes (not your feelings or thoughts, these are none of anyone’s business).
So you don’t send a card or a text to the ex, this is a behavior, in line with closing the door. And you do not look at the ex’s phone bill, and you don’t initiate any other PI work regarding him, and so on. This way you are 100% honest with yourself and with the man you will be meeting today.
Post anytime, New Best Friend Bella!
anita
August 19, 2018 at 9:41 am #222101BellaParticipantHi Bella,
It feels Great to be off of PI Duty!!!
One good thing about PI ~ing is I feel like I have found out all of the down & dirty, and not much would shock, or hurt me anymore than the pain I have endured in the last few months…(I never imagined my ex was capable of his actions in the last few months) I am glad I discovered what I did…If not, the pain would have come little by little from people telling me what he is up to…Now, no shocks!!! I am relieved I know what he is really made of…
Today is going down a “New Beautiful Path”…
Wish me Luck!
Bella~
August 19, 2018 at 10:12 am #222111AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
Yes, there is a benefit to PI work, and at this point, the benefit is in quitting the job. I do wish you luck. In addition to luck I wish you to have some fun today, to have a good conversation, light and easy but attentive, so that you start the process of learning about this man, and sharing bit by bit about you so that he gets to know you. Remember, you don’t owe him or anyone to feel that you are over your ex, to feel any which way or to think any particular thoughts and not others.
You owe yourself and others to behave honestly, to choose to do what is right for you and for the other person. I will be away from the computer in about an hour for the next seventeen hours or so. Will be looking forward to read from you tomorrow, very much so!
anita
August 19, 2018 at 5:45 pm #222133BellaParticipantHi Anita,
Went to dinner & had a nice time, took your advice & was myself 100%, didn’t think about, or compare my ex to anything. It was very liberating…
I have another date with him on Wed., keeping it casual…Even though it was the first time I have gone out & not think about my ex, it wouldn’t be fair to me, or any other person to even start anything on a serious note…
I also have another date with someone on Wednesday…Things are looking up!! Finally, after a miserable summer & the past 4 1/2 months…
Bella~
August 20, 2018 at 8:18 am #222175BellaParticipantHi Anita,
Amazing what a few glasses of wine & a good nights sleep will do…The guy I went out with started texting me after I got home from our date & it went on & on…I have decided not to repeat the date. I haven’t drank in years, as I am not much of a drinker, but I did have a few last night & probably really relaxed well for the first time in months…Watched a movie & thought about life & how good it can be without all of the fear I had been burdening myself with over the past few months..
I will keep my date with the new guy, as it still has possibilities & the door is open…The friend I have know for almost 30 years was not what I remembered. People do change after 30 yrs. (haha) Since he has been single for so long he is really set in his ways, which are not suitable to my taste…One advantage of getting older & wiser.
Have a nice day & will fill you in Thursday~Busy week & it feels “GREAT”~
Bella~
August 20, 2018 at 9:06 am #222185AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
I wasn’t aware that you posted yesterday until a few minutes ago (sometimes a post doesn’t reflect under Topics), also didn’t have a connection to the website in the last few hours. Glad to read the date went well and that you have another this Wednesday, excellent! Wine can do wonders, in moderation. Not a bad thing. “the door is open” for someone new, good thing. Closed on the old, open for something new, better.
anita
August 21, 2018 at 7:21 am #222307BellaParticipantHi Anita,
Went on a date last night & didn’t have expectations because I didn’t want to get my hopes up & be disappointed…Well, I must say things went beautifully, we went to dinner & watched a movie. Never at a loss for words & had a very nice time. He is beautiful to boot, Blonde hair, blue eyes & is taller than I am~ a real plus these days as men seem to be getting shorter. LOL
He seems to be very smart & has integrity…Time will tell, even though I am excited & feel he could become a fixture in my life, I don’t want to get too hopeful…
We are going out again tonight…Things are looking up!!
It sure is nice to look at the world through Rose Colored Glasses again…
Bella~
August 21, 2018 at 7:29 am #222311AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
Good to read your positive update. Don’t let those roses block your vision though. It is nice to see roses, just make sure they are not blocking the view of some hidden thorns and such.
anita
August 23, 2018 at 7:12 am #222687BellaParticipantHi Anita,
Wanted to give a quick update…My new friend is still amazing & a refreshing change in my life…Taking it slow & he will be coming for the weekend Friday evening. Plans to go out to dinner with my girlfriend & her husband.
I am taking things slow & everything else is starting to fall in to place.
Have a Great Week & will send a quick e-mail over the weekend!!
Still have not heard from & have not had any contact with ex for about a month, or so & it feels great!!!
Bella~
August 23, 2018 at 7:27 am #222691AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
Glad to read your update (and future updates, whatever they may be). Keep doing what works: no contact with the ex and contact with people who make your life better.
Have a good week yourself, thank you for your good wishes for me.
anita
August 31, 2018 at 6:06 am #223851BellaParticipantHi Anita,
Quick update…I am doing good & still have not had any contact with the ex. His Birthday is tomorrow & no urge to call, or text. I will say I am still thinking of him, but not like earlier. It is becoming a distant memory. What bothers me now is the lies & cheating, now that I can see clearly. It is still in the past…
My new friend is just that, a friend…We had fun, but he is younger than I am & it shows. Like I said, fun, but in small doses~
Guess I am open again and on a journey to see what will work for Bella~
Have a Great Weekend Anita,
Bella~
August 31, 2018 at 6:28 am #223861AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
Keep the no contact going so that the distant memory becomes even more distant. Fun in small doses reads good enough to me. Thank you for the good wishes for my weekend; have a good weekend yourself!
anita
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