Dear Bella:

The guidelines to “a new life”:

1. “warp up all (your) loose ends”, as you stated, that is, settle all legal affairs from your past eight year relationship so that contact with your ex boyfriend is no longer needed.

2. List the behaviors you referred to as “my failures” and resolve to not repeat those.

3. List your past behaviors that were effective, that brought you favorable long term results, and resolve to repeat those.

4. Learn more about yourself, about others, about life as it is.

anita

Dear Bella:

In your Buddhism thread you asked for recommendation of books. Two members replied with their recommendations. I don’t have any book recommendation for you in any area because I haven’t read a book or looked at a book for a few years. I remember a couple in the Self Help category but problem is these books had a mix of truth and untruth in each, and the untruth part mislead and hindered me.

You wrote that you have “big trust issues with people”. Would you like to elaborate on that?

anita

Dear Bella:

I was wondering: what is the financial bind that he put you in, that is, what is the financial difficulty that you experience because of him?

anita

Hello Bella,

If I understand….you and your boyfriend have broken up, and this is putting you in a financial bind?  And he is treating you with anger, and you are asking him to treat you nicely.

You say you can deal with it being over but that he is tormenting you.  My take on this is that you are letting him torment you.  If you want this to be over, then let it be over.  Move on in your mind and your heart.

As far as getting your priorities in order while everything is falling apart….the “everything falling apart” – is this in reference to the relationship with your boyfriend?

If you have been together long term, it will take awhile to “get over” the relationship, even if it wasn’t good.  Or rather, if the two of you couldn’t make it “good.”

For you, focus on what you need to do, and after that, focus on what will bring you some peace and happiness.  You say you are a bit withdrawn and don’t speak to many people.  Is this something that works for you?  What are the things that interest you beyond the relationship you had with your boyfriend?

Airene

Dear Bella:

I remember you shared (am I remembering correctly?) that he has no contact with his own children? That was a meaningful piece of information, for me in my understanding of who he is.

His bad financial management has been consistent in his life, hasn’t it.

It is possible that a good part of his motivation to have lived with you (as your friends suggested to you, so you shared) was to have a place to live, because of his poor financial management. He told you last time that he might become homeless and I am thinking, he may then be motivated to move back in with you.

I also learned from your other thread that whenever he expressed some anger you magnified it in your own mind, seeing it as lashing out at you, when in reality he was not lashing out at you. As if he wasn’t allowed the emotion of anger, not around you.

“everything is falling apart” is in the title of your thread. Reads to me that things have improved greatly recently. His very moving out of your home is things coming together nicely. Better keep it that way. As I suggested in my first post to you on this thread, learn all you can learn from your experience with him, and your life will get better.

anita

Dear Bella:

Overall, in this relationship, I see you and him individually contributing to the ending of it. Your part is, again, not allowing him to be angry, seeing any expression of dissatisfaction on his part, any irritation as a lashing out and responding to it as if he attacked you. This is itself does not allow a healthy relationship.

Another part to your contribution to the ending of the relationship, according to my understanding (even before I read your most recent post) is that you did ask him for too much help while he was living with you, frequently asking him to do this and that in the house, and when he moved out, you probably did call him too  often asking for help with this or that.

(I am not thinking about his part in the failure of the relationship because he is not the one reading this post, I am communicating with you, not with him).

When he texted you what he did yesterday, he may be sincere, relieved that you didn’t contact him, following being understandably frustrated with too much contact by you. He may be trying to communicate with you once again, that you bothered him too much, too often with house work, vehicle work and such.

Maybe he is playing a game, as you suggested. Problem is, the communication between the two of you has been so lacking, that an honest straight forward communication has not been an option for him. If such a communication did exist, maybe he would have preferred it to playing a game.

If you would like, let me know if he contacts you again. A future contact by him will reveal more.

anita