Hi Anita – yes! x-ray specs would be good! LOL.  I think I am just too trusting with others. I trust them to be honest with me and I trust them to tell the truth. I did assume that L. was indeed both honest and truthful with me, if not with others, but her actions with regards to this situation are obviously that she is not honest and does not tell the truth! Not with me either. Although I think she may have lied to herself about how honest and truthful she was with myself and others.

I think that’s what annoys me more than anything, the fact that I was taken in by her lies and deceit. We had great times together for years. It wasn’t until she wanted something that was mine, if you like, and just walked right in there and simply took it, with no regard for my feelings, that I saw her for what she really was – a selfish, sycophantic parasite with no regard for anyone else except herself.

I have felt a lot happier and stopped obsessing so much now, thank you for that. I have decided that, should we meet, I will simply not speak to her (or J. either) and simply walk away. Now I have made that decision, every time I start back on the track of what I would *like* to say to her, I just tell myself to stop it. ‘Just stop it, I know what I am going to do should the situation ever happen, so I don’t need to keep on about it inside my head all the time.’ I have imagined myself in this situation, previously it would involve me saying an awful lot, to both of them, and some really bitchy nasty things. This is not me – I’m not like that! Even though I would like to say those things, I am not going to. It would serve no purpose other than to bring me down to their base level. So my viualisation now is to simply walk away and say nothing. It’s working although I know I have a long way to go before this obsessing is truly gone from my mind.

Mia, it amazes me too! You are correct, L. had known J. for only maybe seven days! And those days were not all in the same week.  He tagged along with us in his RV. for a three days to join us on a holiday we were taking together back in May last year, and then tagged along again to the small folk festival in July for four days. So he hadn’t known L for longer than seven days in total. It is beyond me that anyone would take in someone they haven’t known for long, but I suppose he was gullable, he said that about himself once.

Thanks, Anita!  And thank you to Mia too, for her input. I appreciate all the help and the friendly and constructive comments from you both.  🙂 I will let you know how this goes and how I am feeling in a week’s time. I’m going away for part of next week, with my sister.

MY sis lost her eldest son late last year, he was only 36. 🙁 So for a while I’ve also been helping her getting over that, if such a thing is possible. I’m feeling pretty drained of energy, what with these happenings last year and caring for my parents, both in their late 80’s. We are only going away for part of a week, as we both are carers for my parents and can’t leave them for long or go very far away… but we both really need a break right now. 🙂 We have another carer in place whilest we go away, and do nothing but walk the beach, and paint paintings – and eat and sleep! Heaven!LOL.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by JayJay. Reason: added a bit more info
• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by JayJay.

Hi! I’m back from the short holiday I took with my sister now. We did a lot of talking, which is a good way to talk through a loss of the kind my sister endured. The loss of a couple of friends, in comparison, doesn’t figure very largely!

We did talk about the situation with L. and J. Sis said it would be better just to greet them like you would anyone else you hadn’t seen for a while. ‘Hello again. Good to see you’, etc. And then walk away. She says that would prove that you had moved on, and had truly forgiven them, rather than not speaking altogether, which would imply that you still hold a grudge against them. Thinking about it, I would rather be nice than be nasty to anyone, so what my sis suggested might be better. Any thoughts?

Ummm food for thought there, Anita! Yes, being nice to them would make them feel better about what they did. But you are right, it wouldn’t make me feel better about what they did!

This is one of those situations which might never happen though. It’s the obsessive thoughts and trying to control the future when you can’t really, that is bothering me so much. You can’t control a situation that hasn’t happened yet, or which may never happen.

I think I shall go back to what we decided I should do earlier, I think, which is to ignore them both, should we ever meet again. That scenario has already been visualised and has brought me calmness of thought, as there is no more obsessing over what might happen if we ever did meet again. Like I said, it’s possible we might meet face-to-face in the future, as we may go to the same music festival. The other visualisation, that of being nice and just saying hello, etc., *before* I walked away, is nearly as good though.

It might be simply the way we have been brought up – to be polite, to always speak when spoken to, etc. To not lower yourself to the same level as the person who has been nasty to you, and not let them see that you are hurt or wounded by their actions. A sort of don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing they have hurt you.

I think it was the not knowing what I would do or say that was really the torture for me. Since our last conversation, I have been a lot calmer, and not thought about them so much, not imagined what I would say, etc., as I had already made my mind up, with yours’ and Mia’s help, to ignore them both.

Thank you so much, Anita. I agree with all you say. The biggest message that comes across from your post is to ‘be true to yourself’, so that is what I shall do.

It has been very hard for me to get my head around all of this. At one point, I really thought I was losing my mind! So why would I ‘be nice’ and turn the other cheek to someone who made me feel that way? Now that you have pointed it out, it makes perfect sense that I should ignore them both, and not be nice and polite to them, should we ever meet again.

I will carry on with the visualisation of walking away and saying nothing. If anything, this also helps me to ‘walk away’ from the obsessive thoughts as well. It’s working, and I am feeling much happier in myself, and more accepting of the situation.

Now perhaps I can work on getting back into singing and playing my guitar. For some reason, I have had a block on even picking up my guitar since this happened, last July. I have simply not felt like singing or playing. Maybe that was initially the shock (you don’t feel like singing much when something like that happens!) but I never seem to have got back into practicing my songs since then. I have thought that this part of my life would return if I didn’t push it, and just patiently waited for it to return by itself, but it hasn’t. Now I am not obsessing so much, perhaps there will be the space and peace of mind for this part of my life to return to me.

Thank you once again for your time and patience, and for all your advice.

Blessings,

Jay

Hi again!

Yes, it could well be what you say. Plus, I met J. at a local singer’s night as well. We spent a lot of time at my house over that 9 months last year simply jamming along, and we even wrote a song together.

Although I wouldn’t have thought about this association creating such a block, perhaps you are right. I have been singing and playing since the age of 14, I was singing and playing long before I met either of them.

I think I was seeing it as more of a slight depression, you don’t feel like singing when you are feeling down, and yet, that is usually one of the ways I lift myself out of that sort of mood!

Another friend also thinks that I should just smile and be nice! I’m beginning to wonder if this is just the culture of my country, a ‘grin and bear it’ attitude from the UK!!

Dear Anita – yes, I think the ‘be assertive – to thine own self be true’ works best for me! The ‘grin and bear it without complaint’ and the ‘stiff upper lip’ attitude is peculiarly English, I think. Many of the soldiers in WW2 never spoke about their experiences and went to the grave without discussing them with anyone, but they must have carried the weight of it on their shoulders all their lives. They were not offered counselling (I don’t think there was even such a thing back then) and were told not to discuss what they had seen and been through with anyone, even their own families. It must have been so hard for them.

I wonder if it’s just ‘heartbreak’ that makes me not want to sing. The heartbreak of this betrayal, the heartbreak of my mother having a stroke, the heartbreak of the family over the death of my nephew – and my sister’s dreadful heartbreak. The last six months of last year were really hard to deal with. It’s a new year now though, and I feel I should be making some effort to get over this and get on with my life now. That decision is mine alone, I am the only one stopping me from singing!