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How to get over this?

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  • This topic has 33 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • #142379
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jay Jay:

    You had a plan: to take it easy with this man, to not rush, to spend quality time with him and ease into a relationship with him. That plan was thwarted by your ex-best-friend move on him. She is now in a relationship with him, and you are not. Understandably, that angers you.

    The betrayal aspect here is, I believe, is the ex-best-friend betrayal of you. The not-boyfriend-yet, as I see it, did not betray you because you were not yet in a relationship yet when she made the move on him.

    Since she betrayed you, she was no longer interested in communicating with you and neither did she want him to communicate with you, and he accommodated her.

    This relationship is working for the two of them, so far. It may work for a long time, maybe for the rest of their lives. There is a fit there. Maybe he needed a woman who clearly expressed her need for him to rescue her. That was the fit for him. Spending time with you was nice for him, but his … excitement, motivation for a relationship was turned on by the role he feels comfortable with: the rescuer.

    Perhaps the most difficult thing for you to overcome was your ex-best-friend deceit- deceiving her now boyfriend and using your friendship so to benefit herself, at your expense. The unfairness of it, is that what distresses you so?

    anita

     

    #142425
    JayJay
    Participant

    Thank you for you reply, Anita.

    I think similarly. That the ‘almost BF’ (let’s call him ‘J’) was indeed seduced by the role of the rescuer. And that my former best friend, ‘L’ fulfilled that need better than I could.

    Yes, perhaps it is the unfairness of the situation that distresses me. And definitely her betrayal. Although I thought he was becoming more than a friend, after 9 months of friendship. All of a sudden, no emails, no phone calls, no nothing from him, except an email which went something like, ‘We are sorry if this situation has caused unintentional hurt to anyone’ and signed J and L, which broke my heart. That was a personal email to me?

    Oh, I think J. knew what he was doing, and he knew it would hurt me. He even tried to turn it onto me, saying something like ‘if you were indeed L’s best friend, as you claim to be, then you would have supported her, no matter what she did.’

    Yes I would have, had I known about it. But you see, she was actually taking someone away from me. And because we were best friends, I had already confided to her just a week before that, now that I had known J. for quite a while, I thought it would be a good time to try a proper relationship. And she agreed that he was a nice man! Whilst all the time planning to take him away from me by fair means or foul, behind my back. She was in his house and in his bed within the week. J. didn’t even really know her!

    L. and myself were best friends for over 30 years. Well, at least I thought we were. If she had said she was looking to leave her ex, I would have helped her in any way I could. The fact that she did it all behind my back, because the chap in question was my friend, not hers, hurt me very deeply. She betrayed my trust in her. She never even called to say she was sorry. I would never have done that to her, no matter how desperate I was.

    But this is all history now. I just want to get on with my life, and stop thinking about them both. I just wish my thoughts would let me.

    Jay.

    #142475
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jay:

    I am thinking you better choose future friends and future boyfriends better- these two were not good choices. Get to know a person thoroughly before trusting him or her. Be selective. And so, protect yourself from such heartaches as this thread is about.

    Learn from this experience and once you learn from it, it will be possible for you to let it go. Look back at who each one of them was, what kind of a person each is. From your description of her and from your very last post quote of what he said to you- neither one sounds to me like a good choice of a friend/ boyfriend.

    anita

    #142495
    JayJay
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply.

    How can you think you know someone for 30 years? And then they do something like this to you. I thought I knew my former best friend, L., inside out.  We had shared some good times together over the years, and supported each other through the bad times… And yet, when it came down to it, she betrayed me, after all those years of friendship. Ekhart Tolle would call this an ‘unthinking moment’ for her… but it was planned, and the signs were there that something was going on, but I ignored this, as I trusted her.

    You’re right, neither of them were good choices of friend/boyfriend. I trusted them both.

    I have tried to rise above this incident and have succeeded somewhat. I just wish I could leave it alone in my thoughts. It’s been eight months now since it happened. To some extent, I have done just that. I have stopped obsessing about them all the time. It’s history now, after all. Nothing can be done about it and time has moved on.

    But I still obsess over what I would say to them if we ever came face to face. It’s likely that we will, at some point in the future, as we all moved in similar circles. These thoughts are a different story every time. I cannot seem to gain any control over these thoughts, but I wish they would stop. It’s so wearing to keep on thinking about them, and such a waste of my energy. It’s dragging me down and I just want it to stop! And you can’t control the future anyway, so what purpose do these thoughts serve?

    Maybe its a grieving process, do you think? Is it possible that this is the last stage of this before it goes away for good? Time is healing this, but it’s so slow.

     

    #142549
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear JayJay:

    In your original post you wrote: “I watched her (ex best friend) do this once before, when she left her husband and moved in with the partner she had until recently…”- you just didn’t know she will do this again. Past behavior is often a reliable predictor of future behavior.

    She probably liked you very much as a friend, but how can you compete with what he had to offer her: a way to get away from her moody boyfriend, a dissatisfactory relationship and live somewhere else, rent free, financially taken care of…?

    Values such as honesty and loyalty- those values, if she practiced them (at times) before, she did as long as it didn’t cost her. If she was to practice those regarding you, she would have risked paying the price of rent-free, financial advantaged living. So she dropped those (at times practiced) values.

    Regarding your obsessing about what to say to them if you meet them face to face- maybe you should meet them or send them a letter or an email and tell them what you need to tell them. Maybe that will free you from obsessing.

    If you sent them a letter or an email- if you wrote such, what would you write? Would you like to try that?

    anita

     

     

    #142687
    Mia
    Participant

    Oh my, both your best friend and potential boyfriend did you such a favour!

    Can you imagine what the life with the potential boyfriend would have been like with “‘if you were indeed L’s best friend, as you claim to be, then you would have supported her, no matter what she did.’”

    You dodged a bullet my friend!

    I understand these sorts of situations can be painful and can be hard to forgive, but I have learnt the value of “what can I learn from this situation and how can I grow and become a better person from it and not make the same mistake again?”

    Now you have a clean slate to find a better “close friend” and you can look for a partner that has strong morals and values. Trust me when you start looking at it as a blessing you will be surprised how much better you feel.

    #142797
    JayJay
    Participant

    Thank you for your thoughts, both of you.

    Mia – I do think of this as a blessing 🙂 They have both shown their true colours, haven’t they. And I am better off without them both. I have other friends, one of whom is another girlfriend I have known even longer than L – for over 40 years!  I have always treasured my friends. That’s why this came as such a shock, that she/they could both do something like that. Oh boy, that hurt. It broke my heart that they could treat me like that. However, I have got over that. People who do that kind of thing aren’t really your friends, or they were, but only as long as it suited them to be so. Big lesson learned!

    Anita –  you wrote: “If you sent them a letter or an email- if you wrote such, what would you write? Would you like to try that?”

    I have already tried that. Early on, around the beginning of August, I sent her a text message which read, ‘Hi L., I hope you are both well and happy. I apologise for my initial gut reaction. (the gut reaction was, after waiting for several days with her saying she would phone to explain and then didn’t, I sent an email to J. telling her not to bother, that I was done with them both!) The text carried on: ‘I am sending this message as I think a friendship like we’ve had for 30 years was worth one last attempt to put things right. I have forgiven and forgotten.I hope you can do the same, love and light, JJ.

    The reply I got was ‘I’m very happy. New start. New life. At Folk Fest at the moment. Take care. Hope your sister’s son is ok, Linda.’

    That was the last time I heard from her. My sister’s son died very soon afterwards. L. only asked after my nephew as as I had written in an email to J. in response to the part highlighted above by Mia (L. doesn’t ‘do’ emails and has no email address) ‘When you realise that someone you loved doesn’t even have the decency to call and let you know what is going on, doesn’t seem to give a fig about you or the stressful situation they have put you in….

    (the stressful situation being her now abandoned ex, who was on the phone for hours to me as he didn’t believe I didn’t know where she was for a while, and was very angry at my perceived deception and very suicidal)

    , isn’t bothered whether a member of your family live or dies, then you realise that maybe the friendship wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.’

    So I tried to make something right, when I had really done nothing wrong, except spoken my mind and tried to put it right? I have never known J’s address, so a letter would be out of the question anyway. I could easily find out his address, but I really feel I should just leave it alone. They have never contacted me since then, so I assume they don’t really care anyway. That’s ok, I have plenty of other friends!

    I don’t know how I will react if I ever see either of them again. Like I said, I keep imagining scenarios where I tell them what I really think of them, others where I just ignore them and walk on by, others where I let J. know just what a parasite he has hooked up with… and on and on, round and round in my head. This is the part that needs to stop. I have already done the rest, the post-mortem, if you like and no longer think about them or the hurt they caused at the time, like I used to do. I was making myself ill trying to find a logical explanation for their actions, until I finally realised that there simply wasn’t one.

    I just need to get these final thoughts of them out of my mind. I might one day meet them again, but I know it’s pointless fantasizing or obsessing about something which might happen in the future. I will know what to say when the time comes, I’m sure of that… but these thoughts about that future happening are driving me mad!

    ETA: I would hope, if that time ever comes, that I will be strong enough to be dignified and graceful… and not say any of the above!

    Thank you both very much for your help.

     

     

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by JayJay. Reason: added a bit more
    #142871
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jayJay:

    You are welcome. Reads to me that there is nothing you need to do, or should do.

    Your thinking about seeing them again, and how you would react is almost an obsession. I am familiar with obsessions (diagnosed OCD)-

    here is what I suggest: decide what it is that you will do if and when you see any one of them, or both (I vote for ignoring them, walking away, saying nothing to them, not answering if they talk to you- no communication ever).

    And then when the thought return, say to yourself: “I already decided what to do. This is not negotiable” and disengage from the obsession. You will be compelled, driven to engage in it, to yet again imagine the circumstances of seeing them again.. but resist engaging in it.

    It will feel uncomfortable to resist the compulsion, but over time, it will get easier until you no longer obsess.

    anita

    #142893
    Mia
    Participant

    (I vote for ignoring them, walking away, saying nothing to them, not answering if they talk to you- no communication ever).

    I agree with Anita.

    She’s sounds very selfish. I am sorry you had to go through that, with someone you had such a long friendship with.

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Mia.
    #142905
    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi again, Anita and Mia,

    Yes, you are right. I will indeed make up my mind to say and do nothing, should we ever meet again. I will walk away and say nothing, no communication. I will try what you suggest to see if I can resist the compulsion of continually thinking about it.

    If it ever happens that we do meet again, I will let you know!

    And a simple telephone call just to say sorry for the hurt caused would have been all that it would have taken for me to forgive her. We would never have been friends again in the same way we once were, as she destroyed all the trust between us. But we would have been friends. No matter, I have forgiven her anyway. I feel very sorry for her, that she could be so desperate to do something like that, and with someone who was more or less a complete stranger.

    It is highly likely that L. would be the one to run away and avoid a conversation anyway, if we should meet! She avoids conflict of any kind, if she possibly can. She is an ultimate people pleaser, who comes across as all sweetness and light, and an oh-so-wonderful person, so biddable, so patient. But underneath she is often simmering with resentment, and sulking. For the past couple of years, I have been being ‘controlled’ by her in this way… and it wasn’t until this happened that I saw her for what she really is, and I have felt a great sense of freedom from the stress these kind of people employ by never saying whether they are happy or not with whatever you do. As for J., well he was often depressed and down a lot of the time, so no loss there either actually.

    I have had two predictive dreams that have told me that this relationship won’t last above 12-18 months, although I am aware that this could simply be wishful thinking! LOL.

     

    #142949
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear JayJay:

    Appearances are often deceiving- L appearing so patient, so oh-so-wonderful, as you wrote. As to your dream: I can imagine the moment J figures out what he did, and the moment L figures out she traded a moody man for a depressed man. I imagine a “Now what? Now what do I do?” kind of thinking on her part.

    But because L has such a long history of appearing not like she is, she is likely to continue to appear who or what she is not. Even in that last email where she wrote she is happy- probably not true.

    * I read your post on the other thread where you shared about your parents, particularly mother- what a powerful, insightful share! Thank you.

    anita

    #143049
    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi Anita. I also wonder if she has jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire! There was a lot of similar personality traits (and not good ones!) between J. and her recent ex. But I think that she will put up with anything that J. does that she doesn’t like, including his depressive phases, because she has a roof over her head and his money to spend. So she will make the best of it, just as she did with the last partner, and her husband before that… until she finds someone she thinks is better than what she has right now, and then she will do the same thing again. I can’t help feeling very sorry for her and the way she depends on others for her own happiness, and how she thinks a man – any man – would be better than no man at all, or spending some time trying to find the right man, instead of just jumping in and hoping for the best. I suppose it all depends on what you are looking for in a partner. L. only has two – a man must have a house of his own that she can live in, and he must have money.

    You are so right, appearances can be so deceiving. Before this happened, I would have said that L. and myself were so alike – I would have said we were like two halves of the same person. I would have said that our likes and interests were the same… we even dressed alike!  I now realise, of course, that L. was simply imitating me, liking the same things I did, and doing the same things I did, simply because she didn’t really have any likes or dislikes of her own, no personality, so to speak of. And an ultimate people pleaser as well. I know they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I was truly duped into believing that we were alike. I see now that it was just that she imitated everything I did, perhaps because she wanted to be like me. I wonder who she will take her cue from now?

    I heard through the grapevine that L. and J. were attending the huge folk festivals last year. Now, I have always hated places that are too crowded, and I could never afford to go to these events, even if I did. Before this happened, L. would say the same thing, she hated them too, and for the same reasons! But now J. is paying for the tickets, it seems she can’t get enough of them. J. is ten years older than both of us, so around 70 years of age. He was struggling to keep up at the last small festival he tagged along to with us, I wonder how he is coping with that sort of pace?

    Anyway, enough of all that! I have been practicing blocking those thoughts exactly the way you described and it seems to be working. 🙂 I have made a decision to say nothing at all to them, should we ever meet again. I sincerely hop that they do not come to the small festival that is the only one I go to each year! And every time I start to think, ‘I will say this to her, I will say that to him’ I block those thoughts. It’s getting easier every day, so thank you for the advice. I am determined to go to this festival again, although I have wondered at times, whether I should go, in case I bump into them. And then I thought, so what if I do? I shall just ignore them both.

    *I have been hesitating about sharing any advice of my own with others on these threads.. but thought perhaps I could after all help others with their situations, as you have helped with mine. Thank you back! 🙂

    #143075
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jay:

    You are welcome. Keep blocking the thinking, keep doing what works. At times it will not work as well, but persist, being gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

    I may be understanding L better having read your last post (I am always for more learning, but in this case, it is not to encourage future interacting with her, as I still root for your resolution of no contact)-

    I think she imitated you not because she is a people pleaser. Her focus has not been to please you but to manipulate you (via imitation, appearing to be like you) to take her on those caravans trips and whatever you did for her. And she was patient after all (like she appeared) in using this strategy with you over so many years. It leads me to think that she used this strategy with J and succeeded in only a week or so! I am thinking she is likely to continue to be successful with him, based on her past success with you.

    anita

     

    #143171
    JayJay
    Participant

    “”It leads me to think that she used this strategy with J and succeeded in only a week or so! I am thinking she is likely to continue to be successful with him, based on her past success with you.””

    I agree. It’s possible that he will never know that he is simply being used. The weekend before she moved in with him was when we were at the small folk festival. J. had asked if he could tag along, and I didn’t have a problem with that – he was in his own RV. My sister and one of her sons was also there, so there was a small group of us. J’s first ex-wife came with him!

    The only thing I worried about was that L. might feel a bit left out.  It was me who felt like that, only at the time, I didn’t know why. The strategy she used was to act like a little girl. She even plaited her gray hair to appear even more child-like! She contrived to sit next to him, between J. and myself, at all the concerts and was lingering behind chatting to him after the concerts.  Looking back, I can see now that she was flirting with him and was going all out to get him. I didn’t see it at the time, only looking back. You don’t think your best friend will do anything other than be friendly to your intended boyfriends, do you? I don’t think J. had any idea that L. was after him. She knew an awful lot about him through me. At some point she must have told him about the ‘situation’ with her ex, and exaggerated it. They must have exchanged phone numbers.

    So we come back from the Festival, and he sends me a text… thanking me and all for the lovely time. The next week she is moving into his house, having told him (this comes out later in an email from J.) that she is in physical danger, actually in fear of her life from her ex. So J. goes over there, waits until the coast is clear, and takes her and all her belongings over to his house. She must have been packing her things all week before she made the call for ‘help’.

    I know for a fact that her ex. would not have hurt her. They had been together for 20 years. I knew him for all that time too, and he was not a violent man. Moody and depressed at times, and a compulsive hoarder as well, but not violent. I know she hadn’t been happy with him for a few years. He was surprised when I reminded him that he was once the man sitting outside, waiting to rescue the fair maiden, while her husband’s back was turned. He didn’t know that had been the case – he simply thought they had agreed to break up. That was a lie from L. as well.

    The only opportunity she got to get a break from her ex. was when she came away with me for holidays. She had been ‘scouting around’ for a possible replacement at a rally we had attended together earlier in the year. This came out later when a couple of the single men there had said she had been sounding them out, asking what they did for a living, whether they had their own house, stuff like that.

    It’s awful to think that she has deceived so many people. Has broken so many hearts, and all for her own selfish ends.

    ..sorry about this post being in blue, cant seem to fix it! 🙂

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by JayJay.
    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by JayJay.
    #143187
    Mia
    Participant

    Hi JayJay, It truly amazes me how some people can just quickly jump from one relationship to another like this and they always find someone to go along with their plan. I mean if I am understanding correctly, he basically knew her a week (or not very long) and they are moving in together. How strange is that? But thing is I suspect it will never be a truly healthy relationship (unless one or both of them have a lightbulb moment and seek therapy for their issues). I suspect in time she will just become unhappy again, create another negative narrative and find someone else and rinse and repeat.

    I think there must be a lot of relationships out there like this. I just don’t get it though. I guess it’s just very hard for us to see are weak spots in our behaviour. So scary, but wouldn’t enjoy a relationship like that for myself. But I guess Anita is right no one is immune to this sort of behaviour, we can all slip into falling into such relationships. I guess this is where it’s important to learn what healthy behaviour in relationship looks like and have good boundaries and all that jazz. I am of course not immune to being sucked in by certain people and not seeing the signs for a while. I’m getting better at noticing it though. But I realise we all put certain glasses on, that can cloud our judgement.

    Humans are so complicated!

     

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