I live most of my time alone, and it doesn’t bother me, not unitl i get this wave of being lonely, at first when i had this, i would go to random people online, hoping somehow i have a connection with them, in time i learned this doesn’t work, the whole online thing, isn’t enough.

I have to people from high school i go out with from time to time, when i do go out with them, i don’t enjoy it, its not them, im very careful of choosing people i sepnd my time with, and they are acceptable, they understand a bit about me, know a little about me, but when i get back to my home, i feel like i wasted my time going out with them, like i would be better not going out, because it was pointless, even when we engage in deep conversation, i just don’t feel myself around them, like there is some sort of block to the connection.

Whenever (now) i get the feeling of being lonely, the strong need for connection, i just ignore it, because thats the best thing i can do, i try desperately to do things to satisfy it, but it often leads to nowhere, its like something that comes with life and i should accept it, probably the worst thing i ever did, accept life as it is.

I know my question is silly, and it won’t be answer, there is no answer, i myself know i won’t bother much, i even doubt anyone would respone, i drove people away, its like im not even here, the funny thing is, i miss connection like i had it in the past, like it was here and left, when i crave it, and imagine what connection is, it feels so good, for one second, and i chased that feeling before, did everything just to feel it, i didn’t.

Something is weird, my action and feelings feel so distant, like i could do the exact actions for connection and i won’t the feeling of it, one of the few times i felt good were after the event took place, its always after the event, because when i imagine it i feel, when i live it, its nothing.

At times i ask myself, why im still here? Why i didn’t do it yet? And i have no answer, i encourag myself to do it, put logic and argument to why i really should, but its too late it seems, i just don’t care anymore, the past year, i never felt more dead, like nothing happened, i have dreams where i have more feelings, more existing, more alive.

Im thinking of one thing now, “shouldn’t have done it when it was possible”