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How to forgive

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  • April 24, 2016 at 8:22 am #102595
    Misso
    Participant

    I have been in a 3-4 year relation. I’ve experience time of flirting with other women from my boyfriend he states he never cheated and it never went anywhere. Recently he loss his job and started working as a driver for an escorts service. He quit the job after 3 months. During the job I found texts where he was flirting with two of them. He stated he was wrong and it stop. I have been having problems believing him which we took 1 month break. We have been talking again but I do repeat his past action and how I don’t trust him. I havnt been intimate with him and he says I’m no longer fun hard to talk to and pushing him away. Am I wrong to still guard my feeling and not open up as freely as before? I do not know if he was with any women sexual but all the flirting indicate he doesn’t have interest in me and what’s someone else. But he states I am the only one. Should I trust him? Should I open up, be intimate and try to trust again?

    April 24, 2016 at 8:42 am #102600
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear foolinlove:

    I don’t think you are wrong to guard your feelings. It is not wrong to protect yourself from (more) hurt. Plus it is not wrong for you to feel anything at all that you feel. What we feel is not of our choosing. We can’t will ourselves to not feel this, and to feel that instead.

    When your boyfriend felt an attraction to the women he flirted with, or boredom and desire for something interesting to happen- he is not responsible for those feelings either. He is only responsible for the action he took, the flirting itself.

    So, don’t try to change your feelings. Keep your eyes open: check over time- over a long time- did he indeed stop flirting with other women? If he pressures you to … be fun and receptive to him physically when you are not receptive, then he is not taking responsibility for the consequences (to you) of his actions.

    If he didn’t flirt with the women, you wouldn’t be distrustful of him, cautious, afraid to be hurt. He flirted so he has consequences to deal with. If he is a responsible, understanding man, he should let you be as cautious as you are and go very slow with you, no pressuring you.

    Does this make sense to you?

    anita

    April 24, 2016 at 8:51 am #102601
    Misso
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    Yes it does and I thanknow you. It has been hard because recently I decided to change careers and go to nursing school. Finishing up this year. We don’t live together and it has been very challenging
    I expressed my reasons for being guarded. But it seem he only can state that it was only a job and he state he wouldn’t do it again. But it has been done before the job so I feel choosing that job is wanted to do those things and use “its a job” to make it exceptable.
    I do love him. But he want me to be intimate again and open up more. He says he’s tired of “me” nagging. He is a good man. Available cooks cleans. Tell me everything on his life. But the issue is he finds it exceptable to flirt as he does and I just feel he don’t want. Yet he continues to chase after me.

    April 24, 2016 at 9:01 am #102602
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear foolinlove:

    So he flirted before the driving job, then again during the job. And he didn’t take responsibility. Excusing his behavior being “only (during) a job” is not taking responsibility.

    It is nice that he cooks and cleans and open about his life otherwise. But what can you do? You can’t make his flirting behavior disappear from your mind because he cooks and cleans. You can’t un-know what you know.

    He has to know his flirting behavior is a crucial issue for you, an issue that can end the relationship. He needs to know the seriousness of it. It seems like he thinks it is not serious. He doesn’t get it. Make sure he adequately gets it.

    anita

    April 24, 2016 at 9:10 am #102603
    Misso
    Participant

    Dear Anita.
    Trust is. We tried, we’ll I believe I tried yesterday. I had been pushing the issue and nagging agreed and I agreed to meet and not argue or nag. Which I didnt.
    Toward the end I didn’t want to be physical or communicate either. He stated I was no fun to be with and that he no longer wanted to be with me.
    I guess my situation is yes I nag but he doesn’t see he’s action. And this is a continued path were he walks aways from solving situations. And comes back and just forget what happen.
    I know no one is perfect. But is this worth fixing although it seem he just want he’s way but states I’m the controlling one.
    I guess I just don’t know when to just stop forgiving. Guess it’s as if I’m waiting for him and not going anywhere. I’m not ugle, I’m beautiful, and smart just in a bad place. I’m no longer working and staying with my parents. Maybe it’s my situation that allowing me to except so much.
    He can break up with me because I’m weak and come and go as he wish. I guess after 3 years, love and respect was never a factor.
    I’ve been fighting myself for nothing and I’m hurt!

    April 24, 2016 at 9:20 am #102607
    Misso
    Participant

    Dear anita.
    I forgive him 2 months toward the beginning of the job. But the fact that I don’t know what happens every night led me to continue to distrust. He contacted after finding a new job. But I couldn’t get over the cheating every women he looked at I believed he woulf flirt with her. So not making excused for him but should I have forgiven and but those things behind us and tried to make it work. I think I just wanted to be in relationship but physically I don’t allow myself to open back up.
    How do one forgive? Do I forgive? Is this issue to big to forgive. Flirting leads to more and that fear plays a huge role on me. He say he doesn’t want to be with me because I havnt forgive and open up.
    Is this situation worth truly trying again or is it best to let it end finally?????

    April 24, 2016 at 10:03 am #102608
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear foolinlove::

    What you observed is that as a pattern of his behavior, he does not take responsibility for his actions and does not follow through. Instead he pretend like nothing happened and blames you. True, no one is perfect. But if you want to be wise-in-love (and not fool-in-love) you make good choices, choosing the … less imperfect. Imperfections here and there, sure, to be expected and accepted, but a pattern of imperfection, a repeating behavioral pattern that hurts you, to choose that is unwise.

    You can’t fix it. It is not in your power. He has to want to fix it and he does not want to. Like you wrote, you are waiting for him and “not going anywhere”.

    Going someplace, for you, would be treating yourself with love and respect and not settling for disrespect, excuses, someone wanting you to be fun, as if you were a toy. You are a human being, deserving to be treated with love and respect.

    I hope you move on getting a job, moving out of your parents’ place and choose a loving, respectful future boyfriend for yourself!

    Post anytime.

    anita

    April 24, 2016 at 10:24 am #102610
    Misso
    Participant

    Thank you

    April 24, 2016 at 4:18 pm #102624
    Evan
    Participant

    Hi Foolinlove,

    You ask “How to forgive?”, and if I may offer a few thoughts….

    Forgiveness is accepting what is, and allowing it to be. Your mind will still want to control the situation somehow, but you will see through the tricky mind, and a clearer reflection of what happened can be seen (taking off the rose coloured glasses). For many years I forgave and could not understand why I still felt bad. Forgiveness is an important part of the journey, but a few things to keep in mind as you do this..

    1) You do not have to agree with what is done, or said. But you must accept it.
    2) Once you forgive the main focal point of the issue, other things arise to forgive.
    3) The more you accept what actually is (not what you hoped or feared), a glimpse into the reality of the situation comes clearer.
    4) By constantly forgiving, and having clarity for yourself, begin to reflect internally and ask yourself questions, not as a point of judgement within yourself, but for an understanding of how to love yourself now and ongoing.
    5) The answers that arise from here, are the ones that lead to self love, and break the patterns of self harm. Self harm here means returning to an unhealthy relationship, where loyalty is in question. I am assuming it is, based on your previous posts.

    Pain may still exist after this, but as you can only control yourself, and your reaction to a situation, you will soon see what you are willing to allow in your life/relationships, and what you will not.

    Take care

    Evan

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