Dear surfthesky:

You shared that after graduating high school, you moved to a bigger city and started studying biology, but felt that it wasn’t the right fit for you, or maybe it was just that you weren’t “ready for all of it”. Now, at 21, you are on your fourth semester, and you don’t know what you want to study instead of biology, “can’t seem to decide”, keep “searching for the ‘perfect thing'”, the perfect thing that will make you “super successful”, approved of or envied by former high school peers and past teachers.

You asked:  “Why is the need to prove someone something so big?”- I am guessing that as a child, the approval/ love that was expressed for you was not enough, so you developed a strong need for approval and love. You tried in small child-like ways to make the parent approve of you, and love you more, but your efforts failed, so you figured that you have to do something “so big” to gain the approval and  love that you needed so badly.

You wrote: “It’s the wanting so much and achieving nothing”- we are born to want love, to want to be approved of and valued by the first, most important people in our lives: our parent or parents (whomever the adult or adults that take care of us most).

When our need for love is “so  big”, and our want for love is “so much”, it is because the love we received as children was too little.

I would like to try to answer your other questions, but will need to read your response to what I wrote so far.

anita

Dear surfthesky:

You are welcome. You shared that you were raised mostly by your  grandparents while your very young mother attended university. Your biological father left shortly after you were born, and your step father entered your life when you were 4. You moved a lot and lived in 3 countries. Your mother and step father “weren’t really interested in talking.. or just spending time” with you, they criticized you a lot and they were “very demanding, very strict”. There was fighting within the family, “fighting a lot in a very bad manner”. You have 2 younger siblings, one with ADHD,

You (21 next month) are now living away from your parents and siblings, in a bigger city. You haven’t talked to your parents for a while, wanting “time to figure things out without their presence” in your life, “But the need to satisfy them, to show them that I am time-worthy is definitely existing”-

– My thoughts today: when you were a child, your parents didn’t care to spend their time with you in positive, loving ways (putting the attention and effort required to get to know you and to show you empathy and affection). As a result, you felt hurt and figured that your parents thought that you were not good enough for their attention.  You tried in all the small, child-ways that were available to you, to become good enough for them, but they did not notice or appreciate your efforts. Instead, they criticized you and demanding more and more from you.

Currently, as you consider what to study and do in life, you “keep searching for the ‘perfect thing’,  because each thing you tried so far in life to be good enough for your parents was imperfect/ failed. You want to be “super successful” because all your smaller successes so far in life failed to get your parents to value you as good enough.

The topic of your thread is “How to find yourself?”- first thing to do is to grieve the fact that you did not receive your parents’ loving attention. Second, to understand that the reason for that has never been that you were not good enough/ worthy of their love. It will take time and work to fully and thoroughly understand it emotionally, beyond rationally, but when you do, your motivations in university and in life will change, and surfing the sky with a new motivation, you will no longer feel lost.

anita

Dear surfthesky,

I can relate and I know exactly how you feel. I was completely “lost” in my adolescence, in my 20s and still are. I used to be over-concerned about how people would look at me and what they thought and felt about me. As time goes by, status, positions, work titles and degrees doesn’t matter. I know at this stage of your life, you are and need to figure out what’s your calling, passion and drive. I might be the least qualified person to ever try to give you life advice, as I have failed and done all mistakes that are possible to do. Hence, I can only give you insight into my life experience-

When I was your age, I was a drug-addict, with no future, no purpose in life. The only thing I knew was to hurt and break relationships. I compared myself to everyone and felt inferior every time. While all my schoolmates, friends, relatives and acquaintances all had a plan(Naively I assumed so) and knew exactly what they wanted to do in life(Again Naively assumed), I knew nothing. After I went to rehab and managed to get drug-free, I had to start from scratch. I tried studying computer science(gave up), civil engineering(didn’t like it), business administration(Too difficult and daunting) and then finally electrical engineering. I felt inferior, ashamed and “out of place” as I was way older than most of my peers. When I finally graduated, I got a wonderful, high-earning job. I assumed that would “complete” me and that was my purpose.

But then life hits me out of nowhere. Loss of my unborn child, the love of my life ditched me, and then later committed suicide.

What was important and my “purpose” back then, wasn’t important at all now. Everything changed, and I learned the hard way that we can’t control either time or changes. We just have to accept and live with them.

As I couldn’t cope with the changes, I “ran” away from all my “problems”. I didn’t ask for help and didn’t acknowledge life and changes. Time was unlimited for me, I falsely assumed. I tried to find the “purpose” again, and after not finding anything, I went back to my high earning, jet-set life.

Then life gives you a wake-up call. Time is limited. I lost my job, got Covid, lost my apartment, car, all my money, everything.

I had to move back to my mothers apartment. No friends, no family, nothing at all in life. Now, in my forties, still “lost” and trying to find my purpose in my life.

I know my post is confusing and doesn’t make sense at all, but I’m just trying to say that the decisions you have made, felt right at the moment. And, there is never “too late” to do something else. Just follow your heart.

Better to try and fail and not trying. That will just make you regret things, and I know everything about regrets.

I don’t have any good advice for what’s right and what’s wrong, or what you should or shouldn’t do. Just want you to know that most people feel “lost” sometimes in their life, the most important thing is that you have acknowledged it and asked for advice/help. You are young, your journey has just started, so keep your head high, cherries the good times and moments. Keep friendships and family relationships, and you will slowly find some inner peace and your “purpose”.