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Dear Rich:

On the 29th you wrote: “I finally have the permission to stop blaming myself, and to really begin to love myself through empathy…It finally feels like it’s not all my fault…I’ve got to be kinder towards that part of me, and not be angry with it for being in need.”

What happened next, I believe, is that you felt guilty for blaming your mother (instead of blaming yourself). First there was a relief, since blaming yourself is causing you much suffering and it is not congruent with reality, that you are guilty, that is.

But what happened next is the other part of the relief, the assigning responsibility for your suffering to your mother. That created another kind of suffering and so, you went back to blaming yourself.

Stuck in this dynamic, going back and forth between blaming her and blaming yourself is exhausting, isn’t it?

anita

Hi Rich,

There are millions of people in the world, with some type of illness, even debillitating illness, severe mental illness, disabilities, yet they go on to have meaningful lives. Does this make them “unloveable”? What if I told you, I had several mental health disorders, would that make me worthless and unloveable? This type of thinking puts us in a never ending cycle of “helplessness” we end up stuck in pity and victim mode all our lives, stuck in a rut, not wanting hope, or to find or even Try to find a solution.

I feel despite all my flaws, I still have alot to offer. I can help people, be caring, thoughtful, adventurous, romantic, funny, spiritual, humanitarian, into animal welfare. If you look deep inside yourself, you are a loveable and worthy person capable of giving and receiving love, but you have talked yourself out of it, yet it is there. Please don’t get trapped in this cycle. Stay strong, don’t give up on yourself, don’t be a victim, continue therapy, things will turn around. Keep us posted.

Dear Rich:

You wrote in your note to me: “the need is immediate, and overwhelming…  I honestly can’t see a reason why anyone would ever care for me”- I see a reason: because you have this need to be loved. It is a need that invites love from anyone who cares to see it in you. It is this human need we are born with, the need to be loved, that is the reason to be loved.

When unmet for too long, a craving is created, a painful craving and a myriad of consequences follow.

You wrote that you don’t know how “to escape this cycle of guilt”- guilt over blaming your mother and guilt over blaming yourself, going from one to the other and back again.

First, need to remove that thing that sticks to self blaming like hair does to soap, and that is Mistakes, a big misunderstood issue. When we blame ourselves for not being loved as children, we proceed to view every possible misstep, every perceivable imperfection in our bodies/minds/behavior/function as proof that indeed we are guilty of not being loved, unworthy of love.

And so, we are stuck in an endless cycle of more and more Mistakes sticking to that painful core belief of being unworthy of love. There is no way to get unstuck because there is no way to avoid Mistakes, that is, there is no way to be perfect, to perform perfectly, to make sure everything turns out perfectly.

Remove this delusion of perfection from your thinking/ feeling and you will be on your way to get unstuck.

anita

Hi Rich,

I self harmed for decades, until Topamax. I have Borderline, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Have Panic Disorder, Severe Anxiety disorder. It wasn’t until I was about 45 until “I let go of my pride” and went on medication. This was after my 12th Psychiatric Hospitalization, right after cutting and wanting to swallow something. I knew something, anything needed to be done.

I too was “numbing” myself. I did not smoke Pot regularly because I was too afraid it would be a “gateway” to more potent drugs like heroin, cocaine. I could only take a few “hits” and I already felt the effects. Yes, it felt good, but it was just a temporary bandaid. I only felt good for about 1/2 hour. Then I would get “paranoid” once I thought my friends dog was out to get me, and it was a small cocker spaniel! My friend laughed at me, because she knew I loved the dog, and could not figure out why I was Acting so paranoid. Please don’t do drugs as “a way out” because it just makes you feel worse, depressed and guilty in the long run, not to mention people can get in trouble with the law, and is it ever expensive. Weed won’t fix your need for perfectionism, self harming, etc.

Sertraline is in a class of antidepressants called SSRI’s. I was on Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, Lexapro, Paxil. I felt like a zombie. They numbed me. Then they put me on SNRI’s, such as Cymbalta, which didn’t do anything at all, except make me sweat profusely, make my heart race, vivid dreams, and sent me to ER. I was finally put on Remeron (Mirtazapine) while hospitalized, it is in a class of antidepressants by itself, not an SSRI, or Antipsychotic, or SNRI. I have been on it since 2005, and it pulled me out of the worst depression of my life. I am also on Wellbutrin XL, which in in a different class of antidepressants. Not an SSRI. Does not numb you, or the Reneron. Topamax, is for Migraines and seizures but has been very successful for emotion regulation. It is not an antidepressant. What I am saying is don’t give up on antidepressants because SSRI’S (Sertraline) did not work for you. They don’t work for many people because they numb your emotions. It’s just trial and error, they can also do a “cheek swab” to find which one will work for your DNA. Olanzapine is also used with great success for people with intrusive thoughts, perfectionism, etc. It’s in a class by itself. Very well tolerated. An Atypical Antipsychotics/Antidepressant. And it’s longer lasting and less expensive, more effective than weed.