* A little addition, saying the above in other words:

You wrote: “I laid into my Dad and told him.. our relationship is now not good… let out at him which I think was needed… made it clear when I was letting him have it that he needed therapy for probably decades”-

– you were comfortable doing those things  because, I am considering, as a child and onward you witnessed your mother doing all these things (laying into him, telling him how bad the marriage was, letting out at him because she thought it was needed, making it clear to him that he needed therapy for decades, etc.) and you witnessed him… say and do nothing, that is, react passively to her.

Fast forward, you feel comfortable doing what she did because you expect him to react the same way he always did, passively. Sometimes he erupts somewhat with some anger, as all passive people do, but his eruptions are not scary.

On the other hand, your mother’s anger, that a different story, isn’t it. Maybe it is scary to assert oneself with her, so you don’t do it, wouldn’t think of doing it, just like your father doesn’t.

anita

Dear Luke:

As to your question: I am not a psychotherapist. Neither do I have a degree in psychology.

I understand that you are unhappy with some of my replies to you. Therefore I will give you my closing thoughts based on my communication with you so far and following these, I will not reply to you again (unless you ask me by name to reply to you). I hope other members reply to you here (or in any future thread you may start).

-if you choose to spend Christmas with your parents and sister, better not confront anyone Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. May it be as peaceful and as pleasant a day for you, your sister, your mother and father.

-I think that it is better that you no longer involve yourself with the relationship between your parents, because there are no minor children involved in that relationship. Leave their relationship to them.

-Practice assertiveness with anyone and everyone regarding issues that do involve you.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you.

anita

Dear Luke:

You wrote: “everyone has biases or places they come from with experience, just wondering where you were coming from angle-wise”-

-after I posted you last, Dec 17, I realized that you and I do come from some of the same experiences of childhood and onward:

1. We both have a mother with what you referred to as a victim complex since her childhood (Oct, you wrote: “my Mum always having a victim complex” and in your Dec 17 post you wrote: “my Mum has a victim complex due to her childhood”).

2. Like the marriage between your parents (“parent’s marriages were of fighting and screaming matches”), same with my parent’s marriage.

3. Like in your case, my mother persistently blamed my father/ other people for hurting her, insulting her, betraying her, lying to her, etc.

4. Like in your case, my parents divorced following him cheating on her, the topic of many of those fights and screaming matches.

5. Just like you, “I’d never felt right or ‘seen’ growing up”, true to me too.

So you see, we do have something in common, a shared experience.

Like I wrote to you Dec 17, if you want to communicate with me further, do address me by name, and I will reply to you. Otherwise, you are welcome to keep posting here or start a new thread and I hope other members will reply to you, I will not.

Thank you for your words of appreciation and good wishes.

anita