I wrote a few things on here as I went thru a divorce and also a break-up.

I am in my mid 30’s working professional living in Manhattan. I divorced almost 4 years ago. We grew apart and I am happy that I am divorced and I don’t have to bear his child. I believe that he can be a great husband/dad if he meets a woman who loves him as much as he does. Then 1.5 years later, I met this guy and we’ve dated for 1.7 years. Six months into the relationship, I realized that he wasn’t for the long-term relationship as he exhibited a short-temper. My ex husband had an anger issue and I promised myself that I will never be involved with a guy with an anger management problem. My ex boyfriend was worse than my ex husband and his mother also asked me if I know he has a short temper so go figure. As I kept my distance from him, he realized that I will never forget/forgive what he has done and he finally decided to end it. I was relieved that it was over, but also sad that I am left with no one.

Now 10 months later, I am still single and he has a beautiful girlfriend. I am envious that he found someone, yet I am still single. I’ve dated many guys since my break up last year. I’ve been on one too many first dates… No one felt right for me.  I’ve been on several dates with the same guy and when he wanted to move the relationship further, I got scared and pulled away.

I am thinking a lot about what the problem is these days as I feel extremely lonely at times. I get very lonely when I am alone at night as I get very emotional. I get nightmare and find myself waking up all alarmed and sweating.

So, I know I want a boyfriend… someone to share my life with… but it seems so darn hard to find someone we both share the same feelings about each other. I met a guy that I felt fairly good about and he lives in another state. We’ve kept in touch for months but I know it will never work out. And, maybe I fantasize him thinking that he is somehow special just because he is miles away from me.

I decided to quit online dating, which was my main source of getting dates. Instead, I’ve decided to focus on myself learning subjects that I’ve always been interested, such as wine, history, yoga, etc. I’ve put myself out there on meet up to meet new people and I’ve been going to the temple for meditation and buddhist lectures. I am making plans with my girlfriends and making plans for myself to improve… but still I feel something is missing. I am very tired of online dating where people basically shop for a date in the most efficient, yet bizarre way and where people become livestocks. I myself also started seeing people based on look, career, achievement rather than their personal traits, value, and belief system. Of course, things won’t work out that way. I am tired of being superficial and being judged superficially.

Hence, I quit all dating. If I meet someone in an organic way, I will be delighted but I am moving myself away from online dating at least for a while. Now, my evenings are freed up from all meaningless first dates. I am doing what I wanted to do… but still at times, loneliness strikes me badly without a warning. I want to be good at dealing with loneliness. I want to be comfortable being single. I want to get used to it to the point I don’t feel that much lonely. I understand that being single is better than being in a bad relationship but sometimes, I think to myself I should’ve begged my ex boyfriend to stay in a relationship, which I know would’ve been disastrous. This is how lonely I feel sometimes.

These days, I just feel like giving up my life in the states and going back to the country where I was born/raised and where my family/close friends are. It often feels more of surviving than living. I tend to get back up to the bright side of life quick enough for me to stay positive and not fall into the trap of depression, which is good. Hope I will feel better tomorrow. If you guys have any tips, please let me know!