Home→Forums→Relationships→How to deal with husband's resentment?
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JanyB.
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January 11, 2016 at 12:48 pm #92127
AnonymousGuestDear H1978:
What a development! A good development as I see it.
You wrote: “I know I am running away”- as if it was a bad thing, a bad move but this is what you do when you are under threat: you either run away or you fight or you do both… This is what animals do when attacked. It is called “Fight or Flight” – we are designed to do that. There is nothing weak or unreasonable about running away.
It is much more reasonable to run away than to fight…
We are not designed to take abuse and stay. This is not going to be easy but it is the right thing for you to do, to NOT stay in that situation. Either he leaves or you do.. or somehow it has to be that you are safe from his abuse, from his attacks.
Be on YOUR side, take care of yourself. Whenever- in the future- you find yourself feeling sorry for him, switch the sorry feelings and feel sorry for yourself, get on your side, again and again.
Every person that abuses another does it because he or she is suffering. But not every person that suffers abuses another.
My goodness, what a day (or evening, your time…I don’t know)…
Post again, anytime.
anita
January 11, 2016 at 1:00 pm #92128AnonymousInactiveHi Anita,
I don’t want to run away as I don’t want to delay things in moving on with my life.
I know I can;t deal with this at the moment and I need time away so I can find the strength to accept, let go and move on!
You are right it is fight or flight and I have fought under attack and not proud of it but now I have no more fight and don’t want to as if he wants to leave my life, then there is the door as I deserve so much better and won’t beg for someone to fight who doesn’t want to.
He is too selfish to me married and he will regret his decision when he wakes up from his anger and resentment, sorry I mean grow up and it will all be too late as I will not take him back this time as he has messed me mourned far too many times.It is his birthday today and I am glad he will remember this day in the day he finally lost me because of his own selfish ways.
Will go way for 2/3 weeks and then I will come home and start divorce proceedings and told him start the house proceedings asap as I won’t be hereJanuary 11, 2016 at 1:54 pm #92131AnonymousGuestDear H1978:
I am having computer problems, so it is taking my time to connect again and again… and am about to leave for a while, will be back in a few hours. Your thinking is reasonable. You make sense. Indeed you do deserve so much better! His birthday… You are going away for 2-3 weeks… will you have computer access? Will you be in a safe place?
Will be back in a few hours. Take very good care of yourself. This is a very stressful time for you, the leaving. Lots of emotions. Take it as easy as you can-
anita
January 11, 2016 at 2:22 pm #92133AnonymousInactiveHi Anita,
Yes i will have computer access as have my own. I will be with my family in USA as I live in the UK. I won’t be leaving till next week so just need to keep calm till then
January 11, 2016 at 6:54 pm #92149AnonymousGuestDear H1978:
I hope your US family is going to be supportive and if not, at least give you the breathing space and privacy you need, the space you need away from him.
Until then, I sure hope you can be calm… Can he not move out of the house until you leave to the US? so you stay away from each other. It is going to be tough if he is around…
anita
January 11, 2016 at 8:56 pm #92179AnonymousInactiveYes I hope so too! They have already told me to leave him and don;t look back and if only it was easy said than done!
My biggest regret is I should of left a long time ago and I’m sorry I believed he would change.
He told me he will never be the person I want him to be and has try to change and ultimately that isn’t him!
I am so angry and hurt! Be the person I want hi mt one ? What loving and attentive to his wife?
He is a selfish spoilt child, and life has to revolve around him, just like his whole family, they have to be cents of attention.
Oh I wish I never met him and I wish I left 3 years ago and never looked back!
He will never move out of the house as he is materialistic and thinks why should he as he pays for it at the moment as I am currently not working!
Yes it will be very tough around each other and that is what I am dreading and cannot handle as we separated two years ago for 3 months living in the same house and it was really hard for me as he would just go out drinking and not come home.
I have never felt so hurt and betrayed by someone as much in my life as he has done to me and I am normally a person that if you screw me over more than once then you are out of my life for good and somehow I can;t seem to break this emotional attachment I have to him, but I know I have to as he will never change.
Deep down I am hoping he will wake up from his self destructive life, but I know that won’t happen as I have waited long enough for him to do so.
I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to change and to scared too as too sacred to face his demons.
My heart is broken and of I had a place to go now I would. I pray and ask the universe to help me out of this situation but they don’t seem to be listening and I fell hopeless and am digging deep to find the strength to process this and move on with my lifeJanuary 12, 2016 at 8:02 am #92210AnonymousGuestDear H1978:
I think that your emotional attachment to him was the reason why you didn’t leave him three years ago and it is the same emotional attachment to him that is going to be in your way in leaving him now.
This emotional attachment to him is very powerful… do not underestimate it. It is what makes things “easier said then done.”
Your logic is good but the attachment makes it hard. It will not go away easily, even now. You will have to endure it, to expect it. Sometimes, I think, you will feel confident about doing the right thing, separating. And at other times, you will probably want to be with him again, want it to work out yet again. It is the nature of attachment.
anita
January 12, 2016 at 12:06 pm #92249
LParticipantThanks Anita,
I have decided I need to just separate from him and I have asked him to leave for now and if he doesn’t; I will go, but I am looking to go away from my home for a few weeks so I can geta away from the four walls and get my strength backJanuary 12, 2016 at 12:27 pm #92252AnonymousGuestDear L:
This is you, H1978? Change of username?
Yes, you wrote before that you are planning to fly to the U.S. for a while and you also shared that he doesn’t want to stay elsewhere until you leave because he doesn’t want to spend the money, and that is a problem because you need to not be in the same home as he.
anita
January 13, 2016 at 1:48 am #92335LParticipantHI Anita,
Yes it is as had issues with my log onJanuary 13, 2016 at 7:30 am #92351AnonymousGuestDear L:
How are you doing then? How are you dealing with living with him under the same roof still while planning to visit the U.S. and start divorce proceedings… or has the plan changed?
Like I wrote to you before, your situation is highly emotional and therefore very difficult. I will not be surprised if thoughts have changed, feelings changed and so did plans. I will not think unwell of you if they had.
Please post again and share, I hope.
anita
January 13, 2016 at 12:04 pm #92368LParticipantHi Anita,
I feel sad! I know he is in pain and it breaks my heart.
I am still contemplating US and feel I should go to get away from things and get the strength I need away from these four walls.
He has left the house this evening as I did ask him to leave as think it was best at the time.
When he left I saw him walking up our street and he looked really sad and it made me feel sad and I started tearing up.
I love him so much and it just sad how lost he is.
All I know is that I can’t continue like this and think it is best that we have time apart so we stop going at war at each other as we have argued and hurt each other enough.January 13, 2016 at 12:06 pm #92370AnonymousInactiveHow weird is that I have just noticed it has just posted under my old username! Very weird!
January 13, 2016 at 6:15 pm #92442AnonymousGuestDear L:
Dear L:
You see him in pain and you hurt for him. You value his well being and are distressed that he is in pain. I would like you to notice that you are also in pain and that your well being is no less important than his. And more: that it is your job and responsibility first and foremost to attend to your own well being. In this dynamic of pain that you are in, don’t get lost in his pain. Return to yourself and put yourself first, again again.
As you see him hurt, you feel “his” hurt but not really. All along you always felt your pain. You can never be in his head or in his heart and feel what he feels.
Focus again and again on you. If there is a chance of love again between you and him it can only be if you focus on yourself now.
Please post again.. and again.
anita
January 14, 2016 at 2:39 am #92489AnonymousInactiveYes I realise and know my focus is me and need to put myself first, as caring for his pain is what broke me and my well being comes first
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