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How to deal with a controlling person

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  • February 21, 2014 at 3:54 pm #51526
    Matt
    Participant

    Kelly,

    His embarrassment is his problem… if you want Jason involved and he doesn’t, that’s not your problem either. Remember he doesn’t get to decide what you do, how you act, what you feel, or how you “should” behave. You could give him the option of Jason or the police, for instance. As he probably has a physical advantage, it is plenty fair that you bring support.

    Consider that you have no obligation to try to be accomdating to what your ex says is “reasonable”. You’ve fallen for the whole “don’t be unreasonable” manipulation before, no need to make the same mistake again. Said differently, your ex may describe you in any number of ways, but his manipulations are like a kid having a temper tantrum… even so, it is better to protect your boundaries, trust your heart, and decide the way you want it to be, and do that. No need to be uncomfortable just because the ex says “this and that, so on and so forth”. You wanting a friend isn’t saying “you’re a monster”, for instance, its saying “I’m not comfortable being alone with you or having you in my house.” Which totally makes sense, is reasonable, and very usual. The hook “stop calling me a monster” is just another way of saying “you’re irrational”. Nope, what you say makes perfect sense to me, and I would do the same in your shoes. Why mess with it?

    Finally, consider checking out a local women’s abuse survior support group or organization. Its very plausible that you might have some residual goo to wash off from his hooks. You’d be surprised at how long those manipulative hooks can stay in if you don’t identify them and toss them aside. All that invalidation does terrible things to self esteem, so it might be nice to relate to some others that have been through similar things. Congrats on breaking free, dear sister, I hope you find some peace.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    With warmth,
    Matt

    February 22, 2014 at 7:10 am #51540
    Anyone
    Participant

    Kelly,

    I have been in similar completely manipulative relation for 6 years. I can understand your mindset at this point of time.

    Let go the fear that he has planted in your mind.
    It’s better to deal with such ex; by being practical and talking plain sense. It used to break my ex; into day dreaming like…OMG now what to do? He would still try to manipulate.

    Anyways…

    Only thing I would say is in all your communications with your ex, please be very practical, calm, straight-forward. When we fear, it makes space for manipulation.

    When you become strong and show strength; you will notice things falling in place.

    Love n Light to you!

    February 25, 2014 at 8:52 am #51720
    Will
    Participant

    Stick to your guns. He can send Jason or a man-with-a-van to get his stupid bed, or he can sleep on the floor.

    If he calls you unreasonable, just say, “yes, I’m not going to be reasonable about this. I don’t want to see you, I don’t want you in my house, and that’s how it is. I’m sorry if that makes you feel bad. So, when’s the van man coming round?”

    His emotions (about being treated as a monster or whatever) aren’t your responsibility. It’s your house. If you don’t feel comfortable with him there, you don’t have to let him in. Simple.

    (Aside, is this the actor?)

    February 25, 2014 at 12:35 pm #51737
    Kelly
    Participant

    Thanks to the three of you for such great, thoughtful advice. I think the women’s abuse survivor support group may be a good idea if I’m unable to get past this on my own. My only reservation would be that I did not suffer any physical abuse or anything to the degree that other women who utilize those services go through. I wouldn’t want my presence to be an insult to women who have “real” issues.

    I ended up texting the ex to ask when he was thinking about coming by to get his things. He told me he could come by at a specific time. I did not agree to it, but thirty minutes before that time he texted to say he was “on his way”. I considered telling him no, or not answering the door when he arrived, but a large part of me just wanted to get this behind me so I let him come in and get his things, including the stupid bed (lol Will). It was uneventful, versus the scenario I had built up in my head, and he was on his way. Though he did leave in heaving sobs which pulled my heartstrings. I appreciate the validation and support in telling me to follow my heart/stick to my guns. Perhaps I should have, though honestly I am relieved to have it done and not hanging over my head anymore.

    Since then, he has texted me some condescending, manipulative and controlling type messages but I did not take the bait. I simply told him I didn’t wish to engage. He threw some more angry words at me but I did not respond.

    And yes, Will, this is the actor. The same guy I wrote about in another post as well. Needless to say, this relationship has been a challenge for me to leave behind.

    February 26, 2014 at 12:54 am #51809
    Will
    Participant

    Yes, I can see that.

    I think you did all right, and you seem to be handling this well. Trust in yourself, and carry on, sister.

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