Dear mariajohanna:

I didn’t experience a family member committing suicide. I experienced a mother repeatedly threatening to commit suicide (but not), and I experienced wanting to commit suicide myself, even coming at one point to a peace of mind about doing so (but obviously, did not).

I am sorry that you are suffering the consequences of your brother committing suicide. One reason, I think, that I didn’t go through with my wanting to do this is that I didn’t want to hurt the one or two people that will be hurt as a result of it. The reason I wanted to do it was to stop my own pain, my own distress and anguish.

Regarding how to cope with feeling that no one truly can understand what you are going through- you can share more about what you are going through right here on this thread and I will read your sharing attentively and respond thoughtfully. Then there will be someone, one person at the least, who will truly understand what you are going through.

And then, there will be more people, in person, in your life, who will understand.

anita

I lost an uncle and a school friend to suicide. With my uncle it wasn’t a surprise since he had been dealing with severe depression for a long time, but with my friend it was a complete shock. Here were somethings that helped me through the grieving process:

1) Let yourself feel every *single* emotion you have – don’t judge what bubbles up. If you feel angry (I felt that way toward my uncle for awhile, I was furious he could be so selfish to leave my dear aunt and two kids, “I don’t care how much pain he was in,” I remember saying to my mother, “you don’t do that to somebody!”) feel anger. If you feel guilt feel, feel that too. (After my friend’s suicide, I keep playing back all of our interactions looking for clues to his mental state – I berated my self for not seeing the sign sooner and not doing anything to stop his death.) The only way to let these these emotions go is to sit with them – don’t try to run from them or suppress them. Eventually, after they’ve been allow to say their peace, they will leave.

2) Repeat a million times to yourself this mantra, “IT IS NOT MY FAULT.” Friends and family of suicide victims are left believing that they should’ve saved the person, or wondering if something they said/did “drove” them to kill themselves. This is dangerous, and untrue.

3) You are correct, many people don’t know how to deal with death, much less one by suicide. @elm0505 is wise in advising joining a support group. It helped my aunt a lot to share her feelings with people who experienced the same thing and understood what she was dealing with. If you don’t want to join an in person group, there are lots of ones online.

That being said, don’t be afraid to voice your feelings to your current group friends. Be very specific what kind of support you want. I remember telling my boyfriend at the time of my uncle’s death, “just hold me and listen.” He looked relieved and later on said how grateful he was that I gave him direction – he wanted to help but was terrified of saying / doing the wrong thing. If your friends are quality people, they’ll come back around.

4) Take great self care of yourself. Eat right, exercise, get plenty of sleep, watch a funny movie. Emotional healing can be draining.

Hope that helps! It does get better. I’m so glad you reached out!