Dear Meg:

I read your post and will re-read it and reply when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours from now. If you would like, if you feel comfortable, please share more about your life, how your depression come about, who hurt you and how. You can share your story without details you feel uncomfortable sharing. I will be back to your thread whether you add to it or not.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by .

Dear Meg:

I like Raja’s reply to you: empathetic, intelligent and wise.

You shared: “people have hurt me in the past. Despite this, I keep letting new people in, but I always end up hurt”- better learn to change this outcome of always ending up hurt by evaluating a new person in your life before you let him or her into your heart and life.

“I am a kind, loyal and compassionate person”- it is unkind to yourself to be loyal to a person who repeatedly hurts you. Better you are loyal to a person after you evaluate him or her and find out that the person is good to you and for you.

“The one thing I long for in life is a true best friend.. I’m 30 now and I’m starting to realise this probably will never happen for me… How can I begin to make peace with this?”- to make peace with something in our lives that we don’t like but can’t change, we have to take a deep breath and accept that this something is part of your lives. However we disliked it so far, however we resisted it being a part of our lives, we have to stop fighting it in our minds and hearts, and accept it as something to live with at peace, not at war.

anita

Hi Meg,

I understand the confusion and pain you must be feeling from being let down by friendships over the years because I too have gone through that. I used to think there was something wrong with me and I’d never get that close to another person, which is all I ever really wanted.

Based on what you said, it sounds like you don’t actually want to “make peace” with having no friends. You said you long for a true best friend, and it makes you sad to think you may never have this.

Yes, I think it would be wise to reflect on your past friendships to see why they ended and what red flags there were, and accept that those friendships didn’t work out. Then you can start to move on from that pain and search for truly fulfilling friendships with the knowledge of your past experiences.

If you tell yourself it will never happen, then it won’t. But if you stay hopeful and keep reaching out to new people you are bound to find an amazing friend. I know it’s scary and you have to be vulnerable and open to really connect with someone, but it’s a challenge I know you can overcome and it will be so worth it. Know your worth – you deserve to having a supportive friendship and to avoid toxic ones.

Dear Meg, and other empathic friends who shared in response:

Thank you, because I have been struggling lately with this issue.  I think some of it arose from me turning 50 in May, and looking at no friends/socially safe interactions.

I have always had low self esteem, but have been working so hard to acquire self-acceptance and self-forgiveness.  Still, even yesterday, when I was met with some disapproval/dislike by a new friend in a topic I brought up, I cannot get over it.  I keep believing my old thoughts that there is indeed something wrong with me.  Nobody likes me…

I work on this by doing CBT now for 15 years, and working a 12 step program which has led to 12 yrs of sobriety.  I just want to feel ok, I mean that if others reject me, it does not make me wrong/bad.

I can completely relate. I’ve always had trouble making friends when I was a child, and even now into adulthood. My one best friend growing up died when I was 22. She was my best friend. We were inseparable. I went down a very dark road once she died. I didn’t bother having any friends till i was 26. I was so afraid to hurt like i hurt when my friend died. When I was 26 I when I met another woman. She was very outgoing. If it wasn’t for her being so forward and pushy I probably wouldn’t have become friends with her, but like I said she was an outgoing person. It took me a while, but I finally let her into my heart. We were best friends from 2006 to 2017. She became more like a sister to me. Well, once again she died in April 2017. Then my father died in May 2017 and then my boyfriend in June of 2017. Needless to day 2017 sucked. I am Bipolar and it totally sent me into a manic state that I stayed in for about 4 months. Then there was the crash. I was totally depressed and couldn’t do anything.  I did have one more friend and recently she sent me a text telling me that i was a horrible person, that I was a selfish bitch that contributed nothing to our friendship. I didnt even get a chance to respond and see why she felt that way. She blocked my number and blocked me on facebook.

Im a loyal, honest, loving,  caring friend that would do anything for my friends. In fact, she got breast cancer and I stayed with her everyday in case she needed anything or just wanted some company. I am by far no where near selfish.

So now I’m 41 with zero friends.  Its lonely. I miss the companionship and all talks about life and everything else. I do have a boyfriend and a daughter. They are awesome and I love them dearly, but it doesn’t replace that empty hole in my heart where a friend would be. I’m sorry I rambled on like that.

So in order for me to have friends, I have to go out and make myself available. I am homeschooling my daughter so I joined a few groups on facebook and this one woman lives about 30 minutes from me. We are planning to get together soon. Another woman messaged me and we have been talking through Facebook and text. She lives about 4 hours from me, but it’s worth the trip if I’m going to make a friendship out of it. So basically what im saying is put yourself out there. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past, it can’t be changed. Focus on now and what you can do now.

Dear Meg,

I too long for a true best friend and someone to talk to about anything.  I thought i had a true best friend but that isn’t so.  I am 55 and realized that past friends, so i thought, just used me.  I can relate to the posts.  I am an introvert so making friends as a child/teenager and even now is very hard and because my parents, when younger, didn’t like the people I hung out with made me stay home alot (if they were fat, poor….. i wasn’t allowed to hang out with them).  I always think something is wrong with me, why do i not have friends?  Found out by one person is because when she asked how i was, i said good and then I talked about a rough patch  my husband and I were going through and they literally came out and said I didnt want to hear all that information well that was the last time person spoke to me.  My husband and daughter don’t even like to do things with me, communication is rare.  Prior to the current unsettling times, I would go shopping a lot, i mean a lot just to get out of the house and be around other people.  I write in a journal when i feel down.  I have accepted the fact that I will never have a true best friend-i feel as though it’s to late.