Hello, I am truly sorry that you are going through all of this. I commend your courage and decision to be the better person by trying to be civil at your work place. You have gone through a lot and even though it may seem like you could have done more to better the situation between you and your partner, you really couldn’t have. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help themself first. I too went through abusive relationships with both my ex husbands and from experience I know how you must have felt like there was no way out, but by you finally standing up for yourself and doing what was right, you yourself did the best thing you could have done. My exes were not alcoholics but they still did things and said things that were degrading and hurtful…even after the divorce, I was made to feel like everything that had happened was my fault. In court, they fought like hell to take me for everything I had, except the kids….funny right…I chose not to fight and things went better for me. It is good to forgive. I have learned that, but the forgiveness is for yourself, so that you can be at peace and be able to move forward…forgiveness doesn’t mean that you will receive his acceptance and that you two will get back together and live happily ever after. You need to stop worrying about his feelings and start to focus on healing and accepting that you can be alone and be your own best friend.. You don’t need his or anyone else’s approval. He knows what he did and has done and to be quite honest that’s probably his biggest problem….accepting his responsibility for the consequences for the things he did. Please stop blaming yourself and stop trying to make peace with him. You are a good person and take this time to reflect and make smart decisions on your future..don’t do what I did, don’t jump in from one relationship into another until you have healed from this because in the long run you may choose someone who turns out to be very much like him. remember we accept the love we think we deserve. It may take weeks, months, years but trust in yourself to make good choices in the future. If by chance he does decide to speak with you, be cordial but make sure that you don’t fall back on the fact that he did bad things and even though you forgave him never forget the pain you felt when you were around him…..this will help you stand your ground and will help make way for your future relationships. Best wishes e

Gina,

In addition to E’s tender and compassionate words, there is something else that I see in your words that may help. It is one of the aspects of codependent thinking that is especially tricky as we shake off dysfunctional relationships.

Consider how much you have invested in trying to receive his forgiveness. Not just in your actions, but how much of a pull there is inside you that yearns for him to tell you that you’re OK, that what you did was just and fair, that you are still lovable.

This is a root issue with codependent thinking, because your self image is/was being generated by the reflections he gave you. Now that he is mad at you, the part of you that felt nourished by his acceptance of you is lacking food… and is generating a craving that pushes you to chase forgiveness like running down the street after the ice cream truck.

How exhausting that must be! Consider that he sounds like he has a lot of issues to resolve from your description. This means the ice cream he offers you isn’t very nourishing, its filled with “addiction”. Where he is addicted to alcohol, you are addicted to his approval.

When we cut our addictions, we feel craving. You cut your addiction, now you feel craving. This is normal and settles with time. You are an amazing and beautiful person, and I can see it, E sees it, now if only Gina could see it. Then it would never be “what can I do to get him to approve of me”, but what can I do to settle this addiction?

Which you have the answers to already, in that you know it is time and proper for you to cultivate self love. The seeds are ripe! Now you just need a mirror and some smiles and throwing your arms around Gina and telling her how beautiful she is in mind and body.

I wish you well on your recovery from codependency! Consider attending a local Alanon group, if you’re not doing that already. Sometimes it can really help to know how common and usual our funky mental patterns and mechanisms really are, and how effective recovery can be. Have you read Pia Mellody’s books? They are fantastic!

With warmth,
Matt

Gina,

I’m happy that we’ve connected, we do seem to be appraising the same pattern! Your words brought a few ideas to heart. I know how tough it can be, but also know that as we open and love ourselves, regrets just melt away.

The first is how you said “it wasn’t love” and that made me wonder. It seems to me that it was love, simply twisted around a little bit. We feel cold in our heart and love (or memory of love) moves us toward warmth. The strategy was a little off, and you burned your hand on a hot stove, but it was love (or your heart seeking love).

This reminds me of something my teacher said to me. When we don’t self-nurture, we lose our inner warmth and go looking for it. Others can surely help, but it is up to us to be the light and love in the world… we just have to figure out our individual path to joy. Then we have the nourishment and stability to give back our love in a skillful way. He used an analogy of an airplane. In the case of a loss in cabin pressure, be sure to put on your own air mask first. We might instinctually leap for our loved ones first, because we love them so much. However, if we put on our mask first, we have the air we need to help them. If we dive first, then we lose our air and we will need help ourselves!

The other thing that came into view as i read your words is that you’re seeking closure and finding it! The twist just made it appear that he was the closer… but its not him, its from you! 🙂 I know it must be difficult to see him and get all stirred up inside… mind and body pulsing with memory. Consider that is like a spark, painful in the qualities of awakening, but with the courage to allow that spark to meet up against the water of self-nurturing allows for the closure you’re looking for! Said differently, pain makes us alert to our suffering, but looking and letting go, trying to make better choices in the moment to moment… those are what turn “I need to save him from himself” to “he is suffering with addiction, and for now I do best to do no harm. If I get too close, we both end up cycling with suffering.” The pressure doesn’t just stop all at once, but erodes over time and effort (as we self-nurture).

After all, if our kids ask us for a sugar sandwich, they’re bound to get cranky if we say no. However, saying no is actually the more loving choice, even though it leads to a temper tantrum. We just have to meet that with wisdom and accept that we are not retracting our love, we are tuning into the place where it is authentically fertile (our side). Then maybe someday as we pay it forward and follow our heart, he’ll find some fruit from one of us.

With warmth,
Matt

Gina,

Thank you for the kind words, and it is my pleasure and honor to be helping in whatever way I can. I really like the way helping others quickly made it into your prayer for self love! Even if Gina were the endpoint for all of the love and affection, it would be enough, because your heart is invaluable to this world.

Affection is a funny thing, because we spend so much time trying to earn it. Affection can’t ever be earned, however, it can only be shared. There is never a way to deserve love, only to express it. When we do figure that out and open ourselves to express it, we have the ability to feel it from others… not as a thirsty being yearning to feel fulfilled, but as a fulfilled being interweaving our branches and leaves with others.

It makes sense to me that you’d cry at night, often our dreams help us dig up what has been going on under the surface. That tears come so quickly means you have such a tender and warm heart that the ice-olation melts, and the tears are like chunks of history being let go of by the body.

Consider that as you cut the addiction to his affections, all that energy that was sliding into the black hole of his addiction is now turning inward. That’s why your efforts were never in vain, because they were like feet revving up. You became very strong as you pushed and pushed against the wall of his addiction, and that strength is now pushing against your own wall and melting it easily. Myself and others are helping you aim, but the power, compassion, and affection are all from inside your heart. Said differently, you are waaay stronger and wiser than you give yourself credit for… the only reason the words here on tinybuddha are so resonant is because the Buddha in me is bowing to the Buddha in you, and she is awake and ready to let the old habits of the mind get out of the way. Namaste.

One of my teachers refused to see alcoholics. He said that until they confront their addiction, it is impossible to help them. The words and affection we give them slides right into the hole of addiction, because every moment is a craving/satisfaction moment, as they are either high or preoccupied with chasing a high. Don’t despair that no fruit grew from pouring onto infertile soil, there isn’t a strategy or method that works there. You’re right in seeing that it had nothing to do you with you! As one of my teachers jokingly said “there are some people who would piss off even the Buddha.”

Finally, don’t forget to play. Deep looking and tender self nurturing is important, but if we stay too long we can become aged far too quickly as we begin to take everything far too seriously. This is a sparkly and beautiful world we live in, full of wonder and magic! Sing, stomp in mud puddles, create something… I’m sure there are tons of things you enjoy doing, and the child inside each of us loves to dance. There is a reason the Buddha is always depicted with a smile. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt