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how many tries?

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  • July 29, 2014 at 4:12 pm #62161
    NinjaLotus
    Participant

    Hello fellow traveler:

    You know when it’s time to call it quits when:

    You realize you’re a completely different person inside the relationship then you are interacting with the world outside it, and you don’t like that inside version very much. (This can be confirmed with friends who’ve seen you with your partner and without; if they confirm you become someone they don’t recognize within your relationship, it’s probably time.)

    You don’t enjoy spending time together. Whether that’s yelling at a concert, reading in silence, traveling or staying home, your time together needs to be something to look forward to. If you don’t, and you spend your time together wondering what else there is, or why this moment isn’t working, it’s time to call it.

    You used to see the best possible version of yourself in their eyes; now you only see them seeing all the ways you fall short. Also, you used to see the best possible version of them in who they are, and now you don’t.

    Someone keeps leaving. I think partnership is people standing together and looking in the same (hopefully forward) direction, and then moving together towards it, one steadying the other when they stumble, enjoying the journey. Hitting the reset button on a relationship repeatedly is like going back to the start of that path over and over and over. You see the same landscape, you see your own footprints. You don’t necessarily see anything new.

    I hope you both find what makes you happy, whatever that is.

    July 30, 2014 at 12:45 am #62197
    David4500
    Participant

    love is about accepting each other and loving yourself. you love spending time with yourself but somehow you feel lonely. because human are not meant to live alone. we need love. the image of your love is how much he can suit your character. communicating with him is good, but your objective is to let him know what are your feeling and what you need him to do/change. It is not to understand and listen to him. when he criticizes, you shut yourself to listen and blame him for criticizing. don’t try to change someone, always try to listen and understand. your question “when it’s time to call it quits”: when both stop listening.

    July 30, 2014 at 1:08 am #62198
    LaLaTra
    Participant

    David4500,

    Thank you for your insight. Your response, that it’s time to call it quits when both people stop listening, resonated deeply with me and gave me a lot to think about. You are likely right that I should try to listen more to understand him.

    I would be delighted to hear about his feelings, but no approach I try seems to work. When I ask him about something gently, he accuses me of putting him on the spot and suggests I try sharing about myself first. When I try sharing about myself first with the hope that he will reciprocate, he accuses me of only caring about my own needs. And when I don’t try anything at all, communication does not take place either. I try telling him that I sincerely want to be here for him, that I want him to feel comfortable coming to me with things that are on his mind, but he tells me that he doesn’t need anybody for emotional support. And in turn, when I come to him for emotional support, he says that I should also deal with everything on my own and not come to him.

    Do you have any suggestions on how to open the door of communication? Or does that cross the line of trying to change someone? I feel lost sometimes.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by LaLaTra.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by LaLaTra.
    July 30, 2014 at 1:12 am #62200
    LaLaTra
    Participant

    NinjaLotus,

    Thank you for sharing your ideas on this.
    Your description of partnership is beautiful, and you describe eloquently the process of hitting the reset button, of seeing your own footprints. Great food for thought.

    July 31, 2014 at 2:27 am #62301
    David4500
    Participant

    communication required both two of you to talk. If he accuses, listen and understand why he did that, if you don’t understand ask again. when one person is angry other person has to be claim and listen. i am sure alot answer you still don’t understand. example, why he doesn’t need anybody emotional support? does that means he don’t have any needs? if he don’t have any needs, why does he say you only care about your needs when he don’t have any needs?

    we guys don’t share emotional stuff with girls because we thought sharing makes us weak. the truth we need to share in order to feel. we want to share with people who understand us. try to agree with his answer sometime. repeat what he said in your own words, and see if the messages are pass across correctly.

    i am not an expert in communicating too. sometimes i said thing which are not true, intentionally and unintentionally. stay claim, don’t be angry, don’t blame, try to understand. if he shut himself, ask another time.

    hope my answer helps.

    on side notes, love yourself more. if he doesn’t talk, you can have time to do things you like for yourself. go meet new guys/friends. stay positive =)

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