Hey Phoolinlove,
From my own experience, sometimes we try to do the right thing, the kind and loving thing, we try to forgive before we’ve even looked at our own pain. We do this, especially if we’re on a spiritual path of any description, but in doing so we can so often ignore our own pain. I did this myself. I tried to be all forgiving and understand that he was just suffering too, but deep down I was angry, betrayed and deeply hurt. My feeling on this is that we have to learn to honour the process that comes along with be hurt, betrayed and loosing people. It’s about being ‘with’ those feelings, not trying to transcend or be positive in the face of heartache. When you grieve, allow your heart to break, drop into your body and feeling the physical pain. Don’t worry about trying to heal, fix or move forward, or worry about what she is doing. She has made her karma, now she has to deal with it. Putting your energy into her and the whys and hows of what she did, means less of your precious energy is going into you. I know it’s difficult, trust me I know, but you have to look after yourself now and you will be ok. You will be ok. If you can learn to be with the impermenence of this situation then you will learn from it and it will become one of your greatest teachers. If you feel angry, feel angry, if you feel negative feel negative, but beware of the stories you attach. It’s our stories that kill us. Just feel it, no stories, just presence, just physically dropping into the immediate nature of your storm and ride it through. Even if that means you cry on the bathroom floor for hours until your eyes are puffy as hell and you can’t breath through your nose, then that’s what you need to so. One thing I know is that pushing away how we feel, never works. What we resist, persists. Embrace it. Honour it. Learn from it and in time you will grow stronger. In time you will think of the situation less and less, until it becomes something that pops into your mind every now and again. You are stronger than you ever believe possible and that strength is found in our vulnerability and presence.
Maybe you find your own strength and ride the storm with courage and love.
x

You have to look after yourself.

If she was unfaithful, and things just werent right – and if you were in a monogamous relationship – then that was hurtful, and painful. If it is really over, and if she has put closure on that, then it really is best to let go. People make mistakes, but would you ever trust her again even if you got back together ?

Dont worry – Im not minimising how excruciating that can be, as I have been in your shoes before. But time wil heal the wounds, try to surround yourelf with friends, do one nice thing for you every day, to nurture yourself.

Be good to yourself, and let yourself grieve the relationship. In time it will get easier to see it as a lesson, in some way, shape or form – although right now that will be hard to realise. You deserve to be happy and you will be agian,

Wishing you all the best,
Namaste,
Barbs.

Phool in Love = Brave heart in love,

Loving someone else is very brave. I really do believe in the phrase it is better to have loved than not have loved at all. In my humble opinion, your choosing to view her as a victim has two causes:

1. To avoid pain
2. Gender Roles

You loved her and more than likely still do. You were planning a future with her and never imagined she would do something like this to hurt you. You view her as a victim because to think of her as anything else would have painful implications. If you viewed her as someone willing to sabotage her relationship, then you may feel that you would have to let go of the love you have for her. The love you have for her may even transform into hateful or negative feelings, thus you keep looking at her as a victim so that you can still have some good feelings towards her. Instead, you direct those negative feelings to her colleague. It is far easier to feel negatively towards him because you didn’t have a close connection with him or feelings for him. Letting go is hard. I agree with Lee in allowing yourself to feel the pain, hurt, sorrow and anger of loss and betrayal. Just know that you don’t have to act on it or don’t have to create stories about the pain such as “I am a phool in love or how stupid was I. Or she betrayed me because I wasn’t good enough, etc”. It is sad to say but people always choose their own course of action regardless of what other people do. So her cheating truly has nothing to do with you. Ultimately, it was her choice.

Secondly, women are generally viewed as victims. We are viewed as saints, basically good, etc. However, men are viewed differently. Women are innocent until proven guilty. Men are guilty until proven innocent. Man has to strive for goodness and women already have it. I always thought that was funny because if Eve bit the apple, then shouldn’t women be viewed as sinners. Think about it. We say the sins of our fathers, not the sins of our mothers. When women do commit bad deeds, we find reasoning for it. For example, the snake tempted Eve. Again Eve fell victim to temptation. Women are victims, men are perpetrators. What happens when a man is a victim? This is a very lopsided, erroneous view of women. It creates lots of suffering for both men and women. Women strive to be good, even perfect. Repress anger or aggression then it becomes depression. More women than men are depressed. We are constantly trying to be the good girl even though we may not always have good feelings. So then an internal conflict is created. A split within ourselves. We are “supposed to be good” but we find flaws within ourselves. Instead of seeing it as natural, even beautiful, we become hostile towards our own selves. Critical of ourselves and of others. I truly find men to be a lot more forgiving and accepting than women. Maybe because men are expected to be flawed they are more understanding. Remember Adam wasn’t whole, he was missing a rib, he was flawed. Furthermore, if like me, you didn’t have a good, saintly, nurturing mother, you don’t really talk about this because it is taboo. Dads are sort of expected to be mediocre, absent or just flat out bad. However, when a mother is bad, children internalize this as there must have been something wrong with me. I know that male gender roles are also detrimental to men as well and men repress a lot too. In the end, we are all human. Male or female we are all capable of hurting or healing.

I am sorry for the pain she has caused you. I hope you will find healing and learn to trust again. Here is an article on TB about a man in your similar situation: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/forgiving-the-unforgivable-and-ending-your-own-suffering/. He talks about forgiving infidelity. He did this after 10 years so know that you let go of things at your own pace. You may also be surprised to discover that your heart may be ready to let go but your mind isn’t. I realized that when I have been mistreated, after being upset, my heart felt like letting go but my mind said no because I felt weak. I can tell you that you aren’t weak. I am TREMENDOUSLY proud of you for the response you gave to her. You responded sincerely, truthfully and you didn’t react. This doesn’t make you a sappy loser. Just for the record, from a women’s perspective your response will drive her crazy. She will be thinking “wow, he took that easier than I imagined. Maybe he didn’t really desire me that bad. Does he not care that I was with another man?” I hate to admit it but because of romance movies and novels, a lot of us women get excited when men give us an emotionally charged reaction. But this is just so that we know he has feelings for us, even if they are negative ones. Your cool, calm and collected response will make her insecure for a while. I would chase the guys that ignored me and ignore the guys that chased me. As wise as I am now, I hate to look back when I played these dumb, sensational, drama filled mind games. These are games of the mind not the heart.

As Matt said, there are plenty of women who are faithful. Furthermore, its sounds like you are on our own path to growth so just focus on you. Don’t stunt your own growth by being worried about hers.

With Love,

Zenhen

• This reply was modified 11 years, 2 months ago by Zenhen.
• This reply was modified 11 years, 2 months ago by Zenhen.

Phool,

In response to question number two, you are not her parent. Trying to be her parent is not good for her or for you. Asking her to see a therapist for problems “you think she has” is thinly veiled judgement and blame. If she is unhappy, she can go find help when and if she is ready. Not your job, responsibility, or right. Namaste brother, you’ll find your way!

With warmth,
Matt

You are thinking this because you are trying to excuse her ways. You are trying to justify it. Your pride, ego is hurt and crushed. So this is your justifying it for yourself. DONT DO IT.

She had a choice, And that’s what she chose to do.

Don’t beat yourself over it, your worth is more. You will love again. But love yourself and find yourself first. Its going to be hard but you WILL get over it. Believe me you will. You will go through anger, bitterness, hate and then after you will realize you are hurting yourself. You don’t need to wish her ill, wish her the best for what you wish upon her is what you wish upon yourself.
Meditate, breath. You will be fine, YOU WILL.

There’s definitely some amazing lessons that you can learn from this experience. From your last post, the first one that comes to mind is, never drink to the point of intoxication. Reason and logic become suppressed under the influence. It’s a short term escape and will only perpetuate your cycle of up and down suffering.

As to your question about how long you should wait, well, everyone is different, but based on what you’ve been posting in the past little while, I would say anywhere from 6 months to a year. Don’t rush into another relationship until you’ve found your footing. Standing strong, tall, and firm will prevent you from getting sucked into the dramas, insecurities, and neurosis of others.

During this time, I would prescribe the following:

– keep your home neat and tidy (the state of your home reflects the state of your mind and vice versa)
– meditate daily
– exercise regularly (cardio at least 3-4 days a week)
– abstain from any sexual activity (discover a new sense of emotional mastery by not succumbing to your libido)
– improve your diet
– don’t do any drugs and never drink to the point of intoxication