Sorry, in advance this is going to a long post consisting of two or three different areas. It’s about a relationship that went wrong, what I realised went wrong and what I am doing about it now.

Section one is more of a sounding board but is important: So, let’s get the characters sorted as this will make things easier to understand as this story spans from day one to the end.

Characters: All names have been changed
Me – Dave
Girlfriend – Jane
My Long-term ex – Kate
Girlfriends ex – Charles
Woman – Alice

Last year, I decided that I was fed up of my job and wanted a career change. So, I quit my job, gave up my rented flat and ended up at university (I did plan this and not do it on the spur of the moment I might add). I found I settled in nicely but realised I was finding not having company and a partner a bit of an issue as everyone else is a lot younger than me (at the time of starting I was 29). So, I decided to look for a friend near my age or maybe if I was lucky enough a relationship. So, I duly signed up to the usual dating places, not feeling too hopeful but this was a fresh start and a new place. After not much time at all, I was rewarded with a match and message. Our conversations, we fun energetic and long. It took no time at all to get on with this person online. We then met (very soon as both prefer to gauge in person if there was a spark) and well yes there was a spark it was amazing. Something I had not felt with any person since I split with Kate a few years ago, (incidentally Kate is a long-term friend of 15 years or so and we still get on well now as friends).

Our first date went well, we were very open and both discussed our pasts (both pretty chequered and with lots of failed relationships, she had even walked away from getting married close to the wedding day) and knew this would not be a walk in the park but were both very willing to try. Most relationships failed between 4-8 months and longest was just over a year.

We move now a few weeks, maybe a month into things, we now have agreed and decided we can start being a couple rather than just dating or friends with benefits etc. This is where it started to go wrong with me (I did not know at the time, till I looked back but from this point onwards I was subconsciously sabotaging the relationship).

It all started with a week or so trip to my friends (just me on my own) he is a good friend but maybe a bit of a bad influence in the relationship department. We got talking to this woman once evening online (Alice) and Alice and I carried on speaking for the next few days. Nothing too much, polite chat with a hint of flirting, then it got a bit ruder flirting but it fizzled out. So, I thought nothing of it and carried on with life as normal (I never deleted any messages as I am always open). We spoke a few times politely but that was it. Then a couple of weeks later Jane, read some of the messages. Nothing was said till a bit later when she asked what had been going on and we discussed it and came to an agreement. I would delete the messages and not contact again. Perfectly fine and I had no issues in doing this. Unfortunately Alice had added me on Facebook and snapchat (the latter I hardly use, I don’t understand it) which I had not deleted, she tried to contact me on there but I ignored the messages instead of just saying I have a girlfriend, I guess I didn’t want to upset her or make her feel that it wasn’t anything, I had no intentions of cheating or going anywhere else, this meant that Janes saw these one day as I opened up another message, I deleted these and made sure there is no way said person can contact me. Job done or so I thought, unfortunate the trust was broken I think. We thought no more of this.

We spend Christmas at both my parents (divorced) and her family (her parents had sadly passed away a few years back, which is when the poor relationships started) and all was going well, but I was quietly sabotaging things by keeping at arm’s length, not showing as much affection (I am bad at this at the best of times) and other things which I will mention in a list later for ease.

On the face of things, we were a happy couple who would spend most weekends together and go on adventures and trips, our sex life was healthy, so not much to worry about. We talked about the future and planned holidays and she decided that maybe further study would be a good option for her. She considered courses and decided that she would like to do the same course as me. So, we got her looking and being accepted onto the course.

So now there is her with a flat to sell, and a uni degree starting in October this year.  In preparation, we got the ball rolling on flat sale, sorting out her halls (I would be living off campus in year two anyway and decided that we didn’t want to live together just yet). This involved me lending her the money for the halls deposit, the money to have the survey done her flat to be sold. I also looked at her finances and we worked out if the overdraft was cleared she would be better off overall, which was duly done. I also paid for holiday I am about to go on in the next few weeks on my own (I am meeting friends so it’s not so bad).

So, things still seem good on the face of it but I am still pushing away behind the scenes without me realising. Her 30^th Birthday comes and goes and we celebrate, she has made friends with my friends at uni and at home, only one issues I find about later is that she has moaned about me to a couple of my friends. Also, the day before valentine’s day, things got a bit rocky and we had a small blip but on valentine’s day it was all back to normal and we saw each other that day and the next.

Her flat is on the market, and we are getting stuff stored or donated to charity, one item is there which is a guitar that belongs to her ex-boyfriend (Charles). She says she will drop it round some point and this poses no problems to me.
One weekend I am unable to come over like normal and she sees it as a good chance to catch up with her friends that she may not have spent so much time with as she would have liked. Sounds great to me, I am busy anyway. So, the Friday comes and she goes out with one group of friends (her best friend is there) and the next night she goes out with another group of friends, which turns out to involve Charles. I did not know this until the night was well underway and she said she was jamming with him and having a few beers before going out (I didn’t say anything but this bothered me, partly because I had not been told and partly because I just felt uneasy).

I left it a few days, before saying anything so as not to ruin a good night out or anything, but she was dropping off some furniture to Charles as well, at some point (plausible, she is removing stuff and he has a house that needs filling).

Shortly after this weekend, the messages start slowing down (bearing in mind some days, I would get email and texts if we were both at work/studying) and I asked what was wrong. I was told that she had nothing to say, which seemed strange as we would often talk absolute rubbish but it was friendly. Cue the days leading up to my 30^th Birthday and I am told we are not working out and we have an unhealthy relationship. Bearing in mind the day before or even hours before she was asking what I wanted for my birthday. I tried to talk and reason with her but I was given several reasons:

Religion differences – I don’t go to church or anything but believe that the there is something and that the bible is a collection of stories that have changed over time and she does not believe. This poses no issue to me, and when wedding came up in conversation I mentioned that I would like a church wedding and she did not. My answer was let’s have just do it in an old building so we get the feel of and old church and no religion thrown in. Seemed happy with that
Feminism – She is rather a feminist, I have no issue with this but she did get wound up easily, so I would wind her up about it (trying to push her away)
Racial Slur – I’m no racist and it wasn’t vulgar just slight English terms that have been used in the past just to wind her up.

Then, once this was spoken about she went on, to tell me, that there is potential job going at the company she works for and she might apply for it and such like, bearing in mind her company wanted her to stay on working part time whilst she was at uni as well but that this job would not allow her to do it part time. She asked for a lot of advice and then said she would think about it.

I spoke a couple of days after to check how she was and such like. She made no mention of anything and was just like I am fine, I don’t need any help or advice. I was meant to be helping her move some stuff and offered to help her out still, well that’s what friends do and I thought that this might just be another episode. All help was declined and virtually ignored.

I then possibly made the worst mistake of all, I messaged her brother and her best friend about her. I asked them to keep an eye on her for me and just make sure she was ok as I was worried and explained why. Her brother was concerned too and had been for some time but was keeping it under wraps. Her friend made one comment that stuck with me and that was “I’m worried about her too but for other reasons that you and brother are not thinking of” I took this now to mean me. Because a few days later, Jane messaged me saying that she didn’t want to be friends with me or date, not because she was stressed as I put it but because I am manipulating, narcissistic and generally a nasty person (I can put the full message on if required). I was told to get help as I had serious, trust and relationship issues. I was also informed, that I just needed to let her know when I wanted my bed back and that she would pay me the money owed to me once the flat sale went through but after that she was looking forward to never speaking or seeing me again.

This seemed such a sudden change of heart with little communication (unless I ignored it, see below).

So, with this now firmly over (in Jane’s eyes at least) what did I choose to do, well my normal tactic, is to fire up the laptop and hit the dating sites again, which is precisely what I did. I then decided after a day and half that this was a stupid idea and I wanted to make things work out and meeting someone else A) wouldn’t fix things and B) is no way to sort my feelings out like I had done so many times before.

I then decided to read up and found an article on this site http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/breakup-end-painful-relationship-patterns/ This helped no end and fully recommend doing what is said in the article.

I found a lot of things that I had been doing, things I didn’t like, and patterns and people I went after. So, what was all this new-found information.

What I did and the way I have acted before:
– Flirted and overstepped the mark
– Not affectionate enough and kept at arm’s length ( I do miss the cuddles and warmth of someone when I allowed myself to get close enough)
– Mocked and made to feel wrong in front of certain friend groups
– Finding ideas and aspects that were not liked and working on them
– Overly critical – Never of the person more things like her flat and belongings
– Playing the martyr and being a “victim”
– Didn’t fully get to know them
– Not being as pleased, proud and appreciative of them
– Having Trust issues (I’m not sure about this, I feel it’s something else)
– Not listening or taking on board thoughts and feelings of the other party along with ALWAYS being right
– Always about me and my experiences ( trying to impress and show off all the time)
– Feeling better/superior to others

That is a long list of negatives, but I was also kind, thoughtful and tried to maximise our time together but it appears on only my terms. Jane did so much for me, from reading essays to make sure they were correct, helping me get through my IBS issues, getting me to the dentist, enjoying my hobbies and ready for an adventure. She would help me in any way possible and would look after me. I had something very good and I messed it up. It is a learning curve but I know where I went wrong.

I have decided, not to date till my headspace is better but to try and find why I behave like this. I went and got counselling through the uni and hope to start that in the next week. I have got in touch with all my ex partners since my last long term relationship and apologised to them all, which was appreciated by all of them. I am sitting down with Kate and apologising for my behaviour we have already had a brief chat and agreed we are both to blame for that one but it’s something I need to do. I wrote a long email to Jane (which was replied to and asked not to contact her via emails again) before I thought this through stating how I felt. Once I realised my wrong and what I think is causing them I wrote a letter to Jane as well. I wasn’t expecting a reply but funnily enough halfway through this post, I received a text messaged. Thanking me for the letter and saying she agreed with what was in it and the reasons I behaved the way I did. That it was good I was apologising for my behaviours. I couldn’t resist in asking if we could be friends still or at least meet up again once my head was in a better place. No reply yet. Maybe I was pushing my luck!

So what have I thought I have found? I think because I am adopted, my parents are divorced this may have caused a separation/abandonment issue, although I am not sure. Before Kate, I never really took relationships seriously and since then it’s been a car crash each time I have tried something with someone. I try to wreck a relationship before its even started, I think this is because my mindset is its going to fail anyway, so let’s get it over and done with sooner rather than later. So, this brings out a side that is not very good. I also choose girls that are not in a good place or have some drama, possibly to distract from my own issues and the fact I need company and companion. I want someone to go on trips and adventures with and explore things but it doesn’t need to be a partner. I don’t know how you find someone, so I date then it gets serious. I panic and sabotage and repeat repeatedly. It’s not healthy and its tiring too.

I am a good friend, and would do anything to help my friends, often going out of my way to help and look after them, so why can I not carry this on once it becomes a relationship I ask myself??

So, I feel better for all this and if anybody has comments, advice or feedback feel free to say what needs to be said. I won’t shy away from the truth. I know what I have written doesn’t make me sound a nice or good person but deep down I am and I want to be able to be that someone for someone. Unfortunate I think it might be all a bit too late with Jane, which is true shame as she is a good woman and would have done me proud. Maybe time will allow us to be friends and go on from here.