….. I am a shocker for changing my mind. I cannot commit to anything. I’ve never married. I don’t have kids. I rent cos I cant commit to a house. I even adopted an old cat because I cant commit to having a kitten for years and years. I never start anything I finish… what I can do is I can love. I can give love and give it in abundance – I just never know for how long… cos I always change my mind.

so I am happy to say to a guy – ok I’ll be your girl and I am happy to plod on through the years as they come and see what happens and I’m the faithful type – never used to be but have long since learned the joy of faithfulness… I think it’s the fear of knowing that I cannot commit to anything that makes me steer clear of commitment. and love asks for commitment. and that scares me.

I don’t honestly know where this comes from. is it because my father left when I was born? maybe. it springs to mind but I’ve had plenty of um.. i’ve ben shown how to commit by several sources and so I cant say I’ve never been shown how to or that its possible…
don’t know don’t know don’t know but for that reason it’s easier to assume that a person doesn’t just simply love me because it means they are going to want something from me and I can give everything I have but I just cant com,mit to it

OR

d’y’reckon it’s a safety behaviour? like… I assume people don’t just love me plain and simple because I fear maybe it’ll be taken away – so maybe I rationalise it so that it’s not real and I don’t get any hopes up?

Curiouser and curiouser.

Yeah I don’t like to walk into anything I can’t walk right back out of.

Maybe I was trapped as a kid. Well yes definitely trapped but I just don’t loke looking back at these things a d fuelling the anger, now I’ve spotted it and written down the behaviour patterns maybe I can scientific experiment my way back out of it.

I’ll ponder on ot when I’m safe to. X

because quite simply I don’t feel it’s ok for me to feel sorry for myself. I don’t want to explore these places because it’s not safe – all it will do it perpetuate the anger inside and it’ll grow and who knows what bitter twisted person that could make me? I don’t want to be that person. I can see out of the corner of my eye the anger I feel but I don’t see the benefit of addressing it for me.

just for interent sake:

this is me exploring my anger with my wee brother?

1) Oh I am not blind to what he is. Mate – before you were born that man f*cking nearly broke us. When is it ever ever ok for little children to be afraid to go home? when is it ever ok to beat someone else’s kids because they had a habit of sneaking into each other’s beds? What kind of person tells 8 year olds having a bath- now here’s a 50p piece – if there is any splash on the floor bigger than this I am whack you both. I mean WHAT??? The list is endless. 20 whacks for leaving wellies in the porch? Black eye? Hand print bruisews on the arse because someone spilt the milk and I never found who it was but I just took the whacks because Nick was more sensitive than I was. I hate that man. I hate him. The love for him I have is false but it’s the only thing I have to get through the past or I’d crumble. It’s the only element of control I have managed to create regarding him. I liked it when he hated me recently. But it wasn’t fair for you to have to carry so I persevered for that reason only.

2) But mum… she knew what was going on and she never did anything about it. She let it happen. She made excuses for his behaviour and turned it back on us like we were bad, it was convenient. I accept she was under pressure to work and I accept that she hates him for it but she never stood up against him for us kids. I carry that anger for her. I carry an anger that she spoke to him like she did endlessly like it was to big herself up or something and it made the room tense and the atmosphere sh&t and it made him stomp off and then she’d be like oh look at him blah blah when she created that atmosphere. He stopped enjoying family things because of exactly that so yes he’d eat and go away because it never ever failed to start .. mum nit picking at him. so she did partially create that atmosphere with her behaviour. Fair enough on the bed thing – we don’t know the conversations they did or didn’t have about that. Her and the frnch house – without question she deserves to have that dream – but she wanted him to pay for it and have nothing more to do with her., when he said he was going to go out there last month – she came straight to me to try and stop him. ? she accepts the diamond rings and the handbags and I can’t honestly honestly of a single thing she has put herself out to do for him. She takes the gifts, she takes the house, she belittles him.. what actually has she done?> he buys her gifts, he buys her a house, he gives her an allowance for nothing, he is an ape and incapable of love, admittedly.. but she’s malicious. He doesn’t belittle her in company. I love her . of course!!! But she is not a victim of him without him equally being a victim of her.

And frankly – it is my belief that each of us kids are victims of them both.

Thank you. Xxx you made me do that tear thing that tells me I know you’re right. I’ll think on it.
I guess I’ve never been allowed to be angry before without some kind of repercussions so I don’t know if it’s ok to be.

Thank you.

Xx