How do you stop falling into sadness after a breakup?

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This topic has 9 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by Kath.

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July 5, 2016 at 6:40 pm #108909

Anonymous
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Dear rocccks:

My thoughts: from reading your post I get the feeling that he is a hurt and angry man who once in a while … likes to hurt you, enjoys inflicting a … bit of pain in you, by dropping you on Facebook, not in person and then taking his time before ending the relationship with you and coming up with a reason for the FIRST breakup as that of cheating on you. I think he came up with this one just so to hurt you. He had time to think of what will hurt you the most as he was… cleaning his place, or whatever he was doing before the latest breakup…And then he may be all loving and try to get back together just to repeat the pattern.

Do you think it is possible?

anita

July 6, 2016 at 1:43 pm #108994
Poppyk
Participant
Anita, thanks for reading my post and sharing your thoughts!

I think you’re right to some degree, he is definitely internally angry and had always been very pessimistic. He probably did subconsciously hurt me to extort his power that he had over me, I think he secretly likes to be in control and have the ability to hurt somebody. Like you say, his exterior was nice but deep down I have no idea what his true intentions were, despite him saying “he never wanted to hurt anyone” – I don’t think I will ever really know him, or anyone for that matter!

I don’t know, maybe he did really love me and never did have bad intentions, but then why would he cheat? I’m trying not to dwell on feeling sad – I feel like anger will help pull me through, but I don’t want that to be the course of my own self destruction at the same time…

Thanks again 🙂
- This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Poppyk.
July 6, 2016 at 8:24 pm #109019

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rocccks:

You wrote: “I don’t think I will ever really know him, or anyone for that matter!”

I think it is a good idea to not try to get to know him further but it is necessary to get to know the man you will get involved with next. Ask questions, listen to his answers, pay attention.

I think the message behind your anger is valid: this man hurt you and I believe, intentionally. Whatever you feel, there is a valid message the feeling is trying to deliver to you. Listen to the message. If you feel sadness, let it be, it doesn’t have to be a fall into an abyss.

I used to be afraid of feelings until I learned in therapy that feelings are not dangerous. I can endure them and I always have. If sadness was dangerous, I would have died a long time ago and lots of people now alive would have been dead. It feels badly but it is not dangerous.

Post anytime.

anita

July 7, 2016 at 2:39 pm #109094

Poppyk
Participant

Thank you so much <3

July 7, 2016 at 7:52 pm #109105

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, rocccks. Hoping you post here again.
anita

July 8, 2016 at 3:04 am #109131

Kath
Participant

Hey rocccks!
I’m in a similar situation, after a temporary break up I got back together with my Ex-BF and now we have split up for good.
The sadness part is scary, but maybe this “two step” break-up is actually a good thing: You know much more now about him, you can discard false hopes much more easily, and you have griefed a lot already.
At least for me it was not nearly as bad as the first time!

Some moments of sadness are inevitable, and they are also very valuable! The experience that you can nurse yourself through these moments, that you can accept, own and hold your sadness – this is what will make you much stronger and happier and more confident!
So invite them, let them come and rock on through them!
If you want to feel more safe you can make plans what you can do or what will help you in these moments, for example write an encouraging letter to yourself that you can read when you hit a low.
I have a no brainer yoga routine of only two or three movements that I repeat like a mantra if it gets bad.
However, most of the time I am surprisingly good! 😀 I had like 3 or 4 days where I was so sad I thought I couldn’t bear it, and I think they were only so bad because I was so afraid to fall apart and that I wouldn’t get things together again, so I kept fighting the feelings. But alas, nothing happened and I am feeling much better!

I am pretty sure with your friends from University and so much to look forward too you will be fine, if not awesome, and some days or maybe even a few weeks of sadness will not thwart that, but they might actually contribute to your sense of self compassion! So roccck on! 🙂

July 11, 2016 at 3:32 am #109376

Poppyk
Participant

Kath, thank you SO much for this. It’s genuinely amazing to know that you have been through/are going through the exact same thing, as I’m sure many people are – but it is really reassuring that you have shared your story with me so thank you so much!

I definitely agree with the benefits of a two-step breakup because, like you say, I have seen another side not only of him but also of me. I know that I can pick myself up because time will always be on my side as it continues and moves and life keeps happening, so the sadness will come but it will also go! I definitely don’t feel as bad this time around, however I can’t help but read our relationship in a bad way since the point he cheated, trying to work out what else he lied about or whether he really meant all of the things that he said..

Another thing that i’m thinking about is whether it’s normal for it to be constantly on my mind? How often did you think about him/the relationship after breaking up?

Again, thank you so much for all of this!! I’m glad to hear that you haven’t been quashed as a result of your breakup, we can be awesome together – unstoppable! 😛

July 11, 2016 at 8:14 am #109388

Hang Do
Participant

Dear Rocccks,
I used t be in your position and i decided to overcome it by facing with it and i made it. I chose to be with my family and friends, i had no time to think of them anymore because i had love from my loved people around me. hope you escape from the sadness soon.

Hang

July 12, 2016 at 5:45 am #109463

Kath
Participant

Dear Rocccks, i’m glad it helped!
About the thinking part:
I had to move out, so the first two to three weeks I was pretty occupied.
Honestly, I still think about it every day, usually several times, but not excessively. In the beginning there was a lot of anger, I thought a lot about why and what happened. I think this is completely normal, and its healthy to experience your own anger.
But I think its also good to be careful not to get stuck in bitterness and anger, because that will only hurt you, not him. He does not deserve this kind of power over your life and wellbeing.
I tried to gain the perspective that my Ex did not do this to hurt ME, but that he would have done it anyways to anyone and that HE is just like that, and in the end it’s got nothing to do with me or my worth as a person (because that’s the part that hurts). I have never looked at his FB-Page once, and blocked all content and chat function and all.
The first weeks I vented to friends here and there, but now, whenever I recognize that I’m losing myself over this, I try to ask myself: Is this helping ME right now? Is this getting ME anywhere? Is there anything I will gain from thinking about this? The answer is usually “NO“. 😀
It takes a while and I think its completely normal to think about it a lot. Just be aware of it and try to again and again to shift the focus to what YOU need to learn from this situation and how YOU can deal with it in a better way, and don’t get stuck in anger and blaming. I am right now trying to use the experience to have better relationships -next time a guy like this comes around I will be more aware, I will not take crap and trust my own feelings if something feels off.
It will get better very gradually, and one day you will wake up and recognize happily that you don’t give a f… ;-D
You have got a lot of positive energy and the will to live a good life, so don’t worry! :-)))
Also, I find that being on your own feels much better than feeling insecure and on the edge in a relationship all the time! We will rock!
So long

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