Home→Forums→Relationships→How do you move on from not getting any closure?
- This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 2 months ago by Bernadette.
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September 22, 2013 at 5:19 am #42574LiveSimpleParticipant
After a recent long-distant relationship ended (via phone), I never received closure.
I was the one who ended the relationship, however, I had contemplated for the longest time beforehand if it was truly the right decision or if we would be able to work things out because I did truly love this person. I had spent time writing down my feelings and weighing the pros and cons of our relationship. I reflected upon if I was truly happy in the relationship or if I was holding on to something that would never change. Throughout the relationship, he put in little effort and we discussed this several times. I found myself to be holding on to “false expectations.” All I heard was “talk” but there wasn’t any action. Communication was also lacking, and I believe that this is vital in any healthy relationship.
By not getting any closure, I mean that this person didn’t have anything to say to me. I clearly expressed the reasons why I wanted to end the relationship(and since we have had this discussion before, it was nothing that was sudden or surprising.) I did wish him the best and I sincerely meant it. I was extremely upset because he didn’t have anything kind to say in return. Perhaps, because I felt comfort of being in a relationship and I’ve never really known what it was like to be in a healthy one(which obviously, this wasn’t.) Then, I ask myself, “Why would I stay in something that truly does not bring me happiness?” and “How can I love someone who didn’t treat me well?”
It has been a few months since it ended. I would say that I am over him, but I am having a hard time letting go of something that just wasn’t meant to be. Especially, when he didn’t have anything to say. How can a person say that they love you if they didn’t even fight to keep you? There is absoluetly no chance that we would ever get back together, or even speak again. Nor would I want to after the way this went. I guess what I’m asking is how do I accept things that I cannot change?
September 22, 2013 at 7:46 am #42580bradParticipantI cant say I know exactly what you are feeling. Likely no one can, exactly.
I can tell you that I’ve been sad lately too, and I realized that I wasn’t loving life like I used to. Studying for school seemed like a huge chore and everything was depressing. I have realized today that I dont want to be sad. But only one person can change that, me.
I realized that everyone deserves to love and be loved. I love you for being a person who struggles on this earth just like I do. I found it very helpful to just tell people how you actually feel.
Maybe that means you could send your ex a letter explaining how you feel, or talking with someone who you know well like your parents. Just let it out, its unhealthy to hold it in. Ultimately, I think its important to realize that while the relationship wasnt everything you wanted its a part of your life. Acknowledge that and try to move on. I wish you the best and hope you can find closure with yourself.
Peace and Love
September 22, 2013 at 8:58 am #42586MattParticipantLiveSimple,
It seems to me one of the main difficulties on your “con” list was a lack of validation, a missing dedication from his side. The closure happens when you accept that he was lacking that quality, and even at the end moments, lacked that quality. You put a lot of effort all throughout the union, from beginning to end, and he did not. So, is it surprising, really? You pour and pour your breakup reasons, and he gives a “fine, bye”. Just one more of the same pattern. His lack, not yours, move on.
It reminds me of a zen joke. A student comes up to a river and sees a master sitting on the other bank. She yells across the river “how do I get to the other side?” The master responds “you are on the other side!”
Namaste.
With warmth,
MattSeptember 22, 2013 at 11:44 am #42592LiveSimpleParticipantBrad,
I agree with you, “Ultimately, I think its important to realize that while the relationship wasnt everything you wanted its a part of your life. Acknowledge that and try to move on.” I have learned a valuable lesson from this relationship and even more about myself. Thank you for the advice.
September 22, 2013 at 11:48 am #42595LiveSimpleParticipantMatt,
After reading your response, it was like a lightbulb went off. Thank you!
September 23, 2013 at 10:11 am #42639AnonymousInactiveMatt,
I’m glad I saw your response here. I also never received closure after my ex broke up with me after 8 years. I just couldn’t understand his he had nothing to say And didnt even really want to say goodbye when I left town, saying that he had plans with his new girlfriend. What you said about her partner never being available or giving her validation rings true in my situation too.
September 25, 2013 at 7:33 pm #42803BernadetteParticipantHe didn’t fight for your love cause there is no love for him to fight, it was all one sided, This is the closure itself, Please look after yourself and move on. I am in a similar situation, I do not need closure,. looking back at the relationship the closure was there, just that I was holding on to something that I knew wasn’t to be.. I was the one always running around to rescue the relationship, he stayed put and was waiting for everything to come to him. If he was even remotely interested he would have made and effort .
take care and look after yourself
Bernadette
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