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How do you know it's over?

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  • November 3, 2013 at 1:18 am #44776
    Polly
    Participant

    My husband of 10yrs has been telling lies for now 4yrs. While what he has lied about I consider to be minor (again others might not?) its the fact he has lied, continually that is eating me up. I do not trust him. Simple as that. This also means Im magnifying all his annoying habits which in reality Ive lived with for 10yrs but because my heads messed up Im thinking – do I really want to live another 10yrs with him?
    My issue is what do I do? I am finding it hard to consider walking away? Yet don’t think we have anything hugely special? I worry about the practical elements – the house, other people and ultimately being alone (I’m 28).
    Ive tried going with the flow in the hope it will resolve itself but Im faced with another reality – we both want children. I cant risk children if I don’t think the marriage is right!
    I do love him. But he’s hurt me that much I don’t like him at the moment
    I also have this feeling of being a mug – the pride in me tells me to walk away. Yet I don’t think he’s a malicious man.
    Then I consider is the grass really greener?
    Im struggling to see a way forward tbh. Im an analytical person who likes a clear answer but I know it doesn’t exist! How do you know when it’s simply over?

    November 3, 2013 at 3:42 am #44777
    reha
    Participant

    Dear Polly

    You are still young and have your entire future ahead of you. Sometimes in life we look for answers so desperately that we don’t see them lying in front of us. Have you tried telling him how you feel and what impact this is having on you and your relationship? Trust is so hard to build and yet so easy to break but it is the vital element in maintaining a marriage. If your trust for your husband is no longer there, the marriage will no longer be the same. However regardless of all that, its all about time. Only time will tell when you’re ready to make your move. I can only tell you from experience that having gone through a similar but more complex situation in life and with the involvement of children, I was so focused in doing the right things for my children that the focus on society, house and even the loneliness was not considered until a latter stage. I had children as my focal point and to a degree I was unable to do things that I wanted to do. Now as my children are getting older and the house dispute is coming to an end I can free myself some spare time for ME. Please don’t ever make the same mistake as I did. ‘HOPE’ was one vital element I lived off after losing ‘TRUST’ and that nearly left me with a mental breakdown. I knew when the right time was for me to walk away and I did. Live your life, love your life, love who you are. In good time all will fall into place for you. You will get your answers.

    I wish you all the best and pray that you find all the answers to your questions soon.

    With love
    Reha x

    November 6, 2013 at 8:44 am #44905
    Kistina
    Participant

    Is he willing to get help with the lying? Are you willing to live with the stress of being lied to? I had a hard time dealing with this as well, with a few other differences, children being one of them. I walked away after 18 years and 6 children, hardest decision I’ve ever made, many journal entries and tears later I simply walked away. The stress he filled me with is gone. I do have new stresses, but they are my own and I can deal with those. When someone else is causing you stress and they aren’t willing or able to change then you have to do what’s best for you.

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