How do you guys deal with death of a loved one?

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This topic has 27 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 11 months ago by eaglestare.

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December 24, 2015 at 12:33 pm #90543

Kelly
Participant

My uncle’s mom died today (On Christmas eve out of all days of the year…). She was like a best friend to me. I am not religious, I am more spiritual. I am just angry that she’s gone, it’s not fair. I just wish she didn’t have to go. I am not angry at her or anyone, just angry that she had to leave. I am depressed and very upset. I can’t stop crying. How do you guys deal with it? Can someone please help? 🙁 I know my uncle and his family are taking it a lot harder but still it hurts. My uncle’s dad is fine, but what happened they got into a car accident. My uncle’s dad broke some bones and had to be in rehab and I guess he’s still there. My uncle’s mom was in a coma for over a week.

Not to mention this hits me hard because i suffer from depression and anxiety so I just don’t know how to deal with this. I hope I can see my therapist asap. I hope I can make an appointment today. Do all therpists that aren’t grief counselors help with grieving patients?

December 24, 2015 at 4:51 pm #90549

Eric
Participant

Hello Kelly, facing the loss of any family member is a very hard reality to face and only time will heal. I also have lost precious family that I would do anything to have back. My best advice for you now is to simply “talk” to as many people that share your loss, care about you, or trust. Do not shut down open your heart through conversation and allow the healing process to begin.

Don’t give up I can tell you talking to others will help while you find a good group.

December 24, 2015 at 5:45 pm #90552

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Kelly:

You can write here what you liked about this woman, how she loved you, how she showed you that she loved you. How she loved others in her life. There is nothing greater a person can pass on than loving another.

Share, express, tell, here or elsewhere. Tell people how loving she was.

anita

December 25, 2015 at 1:45 pm #90584

Kelly
Participant

She was a wonderful caring person. Always made me feel loved and cared about. Was welcoming me and did things with me. She made me feel part of the family.

Now she’s gone.

Honestly it makes me feel worst about my life. I have no friends, I’m lonely, I feel hopeless, I just don’t feel I have a future. I am not saying it’s because of her death, I have been feeling like this for months. This just made me feel worst.

December 25, 2015 at 1:47 pm #90586

jock
Participant

One idea. Try to give the same kind of love and support to others that she did. Carry on her good work.

December 25, 2015 at 2:39 pm #90587

Kelly
Participant

I tried but failed. Even with friends, nothing worked. I try to be good person but I just get crap thrown in my face :/

December 25, 2015 at 3:17 pm #90588

jock
Participant

OK, you try to be a good person, but get crap thrown in your face. I’m trying to imagine what this means in real terms. It is a similar feeling I have had in the past too. But what I discovered was, that I mistook “good” for being passive, non-assertive. Now being a good listener, means being an active listener, asking questions and even challenging people sometimes, in a respectful way. Good ol’ boundaries. Don’t let people speak to you rudely. Nip it in the bud early. “Madeleine, are you being deliberately rude? That tone of voice sounds like it. That’s all.” Then they know that you are aware of what is actually happening in the moment. Now, this is still something I am learning, and have not mastered so, don’t think I am an expert.
But don’t give up on being a good person. Just redefine “good”.

December 25, 2015 at 4:27 pm #90589

Anonymous
Guest

* Dear Jack:

If I contributed 0.0000000000000000000…1% (any part) in your ability to come up with the above reply, I am more than satisfied for having been on this site so far!

Dear Kelly:

I really want to hear more about what is going on with you and your life. How is crap thrown in your face? By whom? When did it start? Tell me more. I will listen to you and respond thoughtfully.

I am sorry for the loss of your uncle’s wife.

anita

December 25, 2015 at 4:51 pm #90590
jock
Participant
My friends call me LLama J. Sometimes the wisdom just gushes out of me like a fountain. 🙂
sorry to hijack the thread, ………..
- This reply was modified 8 years, 12 months ago by jock.
December 25, 2015 at 5:00 pm #90592

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Kelly:

I realized after writing to you that we already communicated, especially on your being bullied online thread. This is a quote from that thread, what you wrote: “I been bullied by mom and sister but they don’t see it like that, makes excuses, never say sorry (even if they do, they just end up screwing me over again), plus it makes me angry and hurt that no one ever stands up for me… What I want is action to be taken on these bullies. But hey that won’t happen.”

It is clear to me, Kelly, that you were indeed bullied as a child, by your mother as you shared above. You were bullied and no one stood up for you, like you shared. It hurt you then and it still hurts you, understandably, that no one stood up for you. I think that you are stuck in this hurt, as you are stuck in that online forum where you get bullied and still you go back…

The problem for you started at home. Problem is you are still living at home (right?) and you are still not attended to by your mother and father. They are still not paying attention. They STILL do not stand up for you. Instead they dismiss you, your feelings. This is the problem. Your uncle’s mother’s love was not enough to delete this early and ONGOING injury to you.

I think that you should make a plan to move out of your parents’ home, find an independent life for yourself, attend good psychotherapy so to process this understandable, valid pain you are still suffering from, and in this independent life choose people who will not dismiss you and your feelings, people who will respect you.

What do you think?

anita

December 27, 2015 at 3:08 pm #90683

Kelly
Participant

I live with my dad but my parents are divorced so my mom is in PA Thank god. My sister is in jail for drunk driving and killing a husband/father of 3. Course no one seems to be mad or know she killed someone and feels bad she’s in jail.

My dad and I get along fine for the most part.

Just feel stuck in life and past hurts still bother me as they never been resolved. Plus I don’t have friends, I am lonely, etc. I feel I have nothing going.

I live on disability too and so it’s harder for me to find jobs, and course hard to live on your own tehse days but I am okay with my dad, just things from the past and worrying about the future, and how I feel right now is just making me more miserable.

December 27, 2015 at 7:33 pm #90692

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Kelly:

Don’t know if we talked about it: did you or do you attend psychotherapy?

What kind of disability are you on, if you are okay with sharing?

anita

December 27, 2015 at 10:03 pm #90729

Kelly
Participant

Yeah I am. Though hard with me being poor 🙁

Vision and hearing, though I do have depression/anxiety of course, scoliosis (Where the spine curves so it causes pain mostly when bending for me or sitting a certain way, standing too long for hours h urts it too).

December 27, 2015 at 10:11 pm #90736

jock
Participant

scoliosis is tough
sorry to hear that

December 28, 2015 at 6:28 am #90748

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Kelly:

Vision and hearing… I wonder what specifically and how it affects your life. Spine curving doesn’t sound like fun. I have a tough time with physical pain. Take the best care of yourself in your circumstances. Maybe low pay counseling, then, available through a disability program?

And of course, posting here, if you find it helpful, please do!

anita
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