Hi,

I’m a sensitive soul who has an active mind, over analyses and an inner critic that is really nasty!! I’ve always felt I’m not good enough; for my family (unless it’s doing what they want), guys or jobs. I’ve never known how to focus on the good in my life as I can always find a way to sour it. I try, but even then I come out second best.

I didn’t have the best childhood (who did) and I’ve had bouts of depression throughout my life and never felt satisfied; I wanted to be cool, loved and adored. Nothing ever went right; I always had jobs that where too junior and did not recognize my talents. Men who told or treated me like I wasn’t good enough to date or be with and friends that I feel are critical.

BUT, I worked really hard on myself. I found a job I liked (for the most part), improved my health and fitness, didn’t care about behind with someone and had a positive outlook – everyone noticed.

Then a colleague (who I didn’t know) started to give me constant attention and was VERY flirty and chatty with me, wasn’t even someone I would say was my ‘type’. But we got on so well and after a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend (someone this charming wouldn’t be single) and he told me just started dating someone. We started to spend a lot of time together at work, which he mostly initiated and he’d tell me things and ask questions that implied he was interested. Quite a few collegues said ‘he likes you’ and by that stage I really liked him – we had so much in common, he was charming, funny, witty, seemed actually interested in me and I felt he cared.

He never mentioned his gf and asked me advice about building a website for his friend (through snooping found out friend = gf). I was so confused he would make out his relationship was no big deal and he said other things that made me question their relationship. But pics on FB and then going away together made it seem like the perfect relationship. I tried to pull away, this was hurting me badly and I couldn’t take it anymore, but he still kept making an effort, though not as persistent as at the beginning. At the same time my Director at work started to bully me and then I broke my wrist at the snow.

I got a new job (in the same building) I was told it would be challenging and busy; it was actually a junior role with no challenges. He still contacted me I had lunch with him a couple more times and then after reading on Facebook that they moved in together a couple of months later, I deleted him. My wrist didn’t heal properly and I was told it was just ‘bad luck’, I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression and nothing anyone could say would help. My dad even stopped talking to me when I told him I’ve never been good enough for him!!

Over the Christmas period I tried all I could and bought myself out of the depression and have been positive ever since. I applied for a job overseas that I really wanted and got and am working on my health and fitness again.

Last week, I bumped into him and he ignored me. This upset me greatly! Friends are telling me to get over it (I desperately want to) that one day I’ll meet someone (I don’t believe it), that I should look for the positives – my new job for example.

I’ve gone back to feeling sad, lonely and not good enough (I’m in my late 30s if someone hasn’t liked me by now it will never happen) – something I’ve felt my whole life and I don’t know how to tackle it. Society places so much on being with someone. Yes I’ve done it before, but now there doesn’t seem to be anything on the other side – I’ll never be good enough. I’ve always felt there was more to life and now I don’t think there is except disappointment.

Thank you for reading.