Dear selkied:

You wrote that as a child you preferred reading to being with people. You are reading this very post right now, online. You can meet men on a respectable online dating site. When men post to you, you read. The words on the screen will not jump at you and if you are uncomfortable with what you read, you can click the screen away.

If a particular man is respectful toward you and not abusive in any way, post after post, you can choose to meet him in person in a coffee place in the daytime. It is minimum risk since you can leave at any time. If there is disrespect of any kind- leave.

I think it is a good idea: what do you think?

anita

Dear selkied:

Wow, I edited my post to you but the old post got to you first. Okay. Now I know.

Hope you get others’ advice about meeting women friends. Congratulations for eliminating all the abusive relationships in your life!

anita

I would suggest Meetup.com
When you join (it’s free), you search by your own interests.
My boss went through a divorce and was lonely. I suggested it to him. He joined a sailing group.
The thing with Meetup is these people want to be around people who enjoy something they enjoy. There are photography groups, art, sailing, caving……the list is a mile long.

In order to find a really good friend, you’ll need to be one. Recognize people’s birthdays. Ask them about their weekend or recent trip. Join facebook and invite them. It grows from there. However, I can’t promise tons of great friends. I feel blessed to have ONE golden friend and several people I can laugh with and have coffee with. And my new job with increased hours has left my best friend a little lonely and missing me. I hate it. But I had to work more. I just try to squeeze in coffee…a quick text…a card in the mail…and an occasional gals evening.

Best of luck. Hang in there!

Hi selkied,

Welp I just had this long reply typed out and then accidentally deleted it. Doh! Let’s see if I have the patience to try to recreate…

I don’t have much advice but definitely feel like we are in similar boats. I’m 32, also an only child, had few friends in high school and didn’t really make any in college. I have one close friend now that I met at a job I used to have but she also happens to be very busy. I feel like everyone around me has a thriving social life and I just…don’t. And I think this is where a lot of my discontent lies. In the comparing. And not even comparing facts, but comparing my perception of other people’s lives to my reality or my reality that I choose to see. Is this something you do? I know when I am aware that I’m doing a lot of comparing and am able to knock it off, it is much easier for me to be at peace with where I am and just recognize the beauty in my own life. I tried online dating and also found it exhausting and am really not keen to try it again so I am clinging to a relationship I’m not happy in because I just can’t see how I will ever meet someone else in real life! Fear…not good. I also thought about meetup as someone mentioned above but the initial anxiety of meeting lots of new people at once has been enough to deter me. Also thinking about joining a gym, doing some volunteering (not to meet people, but because it’s something I want to do and would make me feel good and less focused on myself) but I tend to get caught up in the day to day and it never happens. Have you thought about trying some volunteer work? I would specifically like to do something with the elderly, maybe just popping in for visits…not sure if these opportunities even exist lol. You mentioned you like reading – have you thought about going to a book discussion group at your local library? Check out their website and see what you can find! I also hear you about feeling like people you do connect with are busy with their own families and established friends, but I think if you express genuine interest and care about someone you like talking to, chances are they will feel the same. It might be up to you to put yourself out there – suggest getting a coffee/drink/hang out, whatever. Can you say explain more about feeling like you don’t really connect with anyone you work with? I feel the same sometimes but when I approach them with a more open and curious mind, I am usually able to find something to connect with them on. Is this something you can do? Interested to hear more from you, I really can relate!

Katie

Understand the frustration/pain. I live in a small town, not a native of the area. But, as you have discovered, even being in a large city can still result in feeling lonely.

Perhaps there is still a part of you that seeks out those people because they are who/what you are familiar with. I have found that one can self-sabotage pretty easily. May not even consciously realize that you are looking for situations that won’t work.

Sounds like you never really got the chance to see a good relationship?

In some respects, you remind me of me a bit.

You are not alone. I too struggled with making friends when I was in school.The best answer to this in my opinion is, be the right person. Meaning be yourself as fully as you can, your true self, something about your self that is completely different from others, but first you have to find it. Once you find that true self and begin accepting and acting that way, that is when the right people will show up in your life because those people will resonate with you. And if you are in an environment filled with negative people, try your best to avoid them. Sometimes just because we change ourselves in a more positive way, doesn’t always mean those people in our environment’s attitude towards us will change, although sometimes it might. If you are still finding difficulty, however, i would say completely avoid and move away from them.

But if you are just starting out learning about yourself and exposing yourself to personal development and spirituality, the first thing i would suggest is establish a positive relationship with yourself, reprogram your subconscious mind with positive and truthful thoughts. Affirm to yourself that you are a powerful, capable, wonderful, intelligent, talented human being (because you are) whom everything goes right for, even if you may not feel that way in the beginning and that is okay. You can also change the language and even the tone of your affirmation so that it works for you. Hope this helps! 🙂

I was like you still am in a way, shy, quiet and introvert, hate clubbing or socialising, hate loud, noisey places, doesn’t make me the most interesting friend but for years i worried and stressed over not having friends.
Now i don’t care, i have my family and the odd acquaintance that i chat to and i have me, friends like everything else in life come and go, they very rarely stay forever. I think the media and social world put too much emphasis on having friends, you only have to chat to the people that say “oh i have over a thousand friends on facebook” guaranteed they never speak to 3/4 of them or even know them.
I’m a true believer in things, people, relationships ect find you at the right time not when your looking or trying to hard.
As for relationships well after my divorce to a very emotionally manipulative man i never thought i’d find anyone especially with my anti-social ways, I found my new husband at the tip (recycling depot) believe it or not! he truley is a treasure found in the most unlikely place and that sums up life…its full of unexpected events in the most unlikely ways and places.