I meant that I was scared she may hurt herself.

Well today I broke the subject with her again and told her how I feel, that I do not want to have a life without a family. She broke down sobbing, it was heart wrenching. I called her mum to take her to her parents house so I knew someone was with her and got a telling off from my mother in law. Apparently I have no idea what I’m asking of my wife and am being unreasonable and that I have put lots of pressure on her. Even though my mother in law has 3 kids two of which have kids of their own she still basically told me that having kids is difficult and unpleasant and that I shouldn’t want it.

I responded saying that I just want what everyone else wants but she told me I was being naive. I feel like I’m the bad guy here, we both decided to spend the night at our respective parents houses. Oh my wife did decide that she would really like to try to want to have kids though, this after I broached the subject and she realised I was actually going to go through with this.

Now I don’t know whether to trust her or not, or whether to just call this done regardless of how much it hurts my wife. In am very confused right now.

Hi guys, sorry for the radio silence for a while, a lot has happened.

Brandy, yes in a nutshell you are correct, but the therapy was also to decide whether it was her fear and anxiety that is causing this decision or whether or not it is a conscious choice, however the plot has thickened somewhat since then so things have become more convoluted now.

So guys on Friday after a day and a night of silent treatment I decided I had had enough and made my decision to leave my wife. I came home from work and had the talk with her and she broke down, sobbing and wailing, she was distraught as was I. I called her mother so someone could come and take her home as I didn’t want her alone right then and needed to get some space myself. Her mother berated me on the phone, and essentially told me that I was demanding too much of her daughter and that I had no idea what I was asking of her and if indeed I was the one to go through the birthing and looking after the child I wouldn’t want children either. This woman has 3 kids of her own and 3 grandkids and until last few weeks had no idea my wife didn’t want children. She pretty much told me that kids are not as great as I think and that I shouldn’t want them, a bit rich coming from her in my opinion though obviously I don’t expect her to be on my side in this.

We slept apart that night and in the morning we both went to our home and talked things over. My wife begged me to give her a chance to look into having kids, when I asked why this would be any different to the previous month when she was supposed to be doing this thinking she said that she hadn’t really tried as she thought I wouldn’t go so far as to ask for divorce. Now she realised what the stakes are she wants to give it another shot. She begged me to let her try, I was opposed to this at first as the time for trying was earlier in the month but I just couldn’t walk away so I relented.

She has now effectively turned the ultimatum on herself, she knows I am serious, that I love her but that I desire a family. I despise that I am putting her through this as she is backed into a corner but she turned it onto herself so though she is going through pain and so am I she is in the driving seat so I will let her run with it and see what happens. We agreed on setting a date in the future to re-address this issue and that for the moment she will continue counselling, and will do her homework and I will also do my research to inform our decisions. I do not like the idea of an arbitrary deadline for this but she said without a deadline to work with she felt pressured to have all the answers right now or tomorrow and that a deadline would help her relax so I let her call it at 3 years time. So now she is considering the idea of children and has bought books, listening to stuff online and really going all out on it, she seems genuine.

I must confess I am not as happy with this as I am making out on the surface. I would much rather she taken my wishes seriously the first time and actually discussed this, I wish it hadn’t taken us nearly breaking up for her to actually sit and talk to me about it without emotion taking over and it devolving into tears. I am not happy with the idea of an arbitrary deadline and think that 3 years is too long (She originally wanted 5 but that was out of the question). However what I need from her is to be calm and look at all options, to talk her anxiety issues out with the therapist and to know that I am supporting her, I truly want the best for her. She said she wants to try and come around to my side of the issue and I am not sure if I am doing the right thing by letting her but not letting her seems wrong too, I am pretty much out of good options right now, I feel heartless letting it get to this..

I do not think we will go the full 3 years without reaching a conclusion between us, that was just a number to calm her mind. I think we will reach a decision within the year, what that decision is I am not sure of. She already seems aware that there doesn’t seem to be a way out where we do not have to surrender our dreams for the other, she also knows she drove me to making that hard choice and that as shameful as it was for me I chose children and a family. So I am not really sure what I am waiting for right now, am I waiting for her to change her mind of her own will (if you can even say this is her own will, even though she begged for the opportunity to go through this it is still me forcing her isn’t it?)? For her to realise it is hopeless and to give in and accept a mutual but sad end to the relationship? For me to give up on the idea of children and see if I can be happy without being a dad (I do admit it has it’s perks for sure)? Or am I just waiting until I finally feel enough is enough and end it for good this time. Or is she just stalling for time and hoping that by the time 3 years is up it will be too late for me?

What makes this worse is that I don’t even know if I can trust her if she does change her mind. She has promised me that she would never have a child she didn’t want and I think I believe her but if the situation arises how do I know for sure? I do not believe there is any malice in her, but drowning people will drown their saviours in their own mindless panic and I fear she may do anything to appease me if there are no alternatives.

We have gotten over the initial shock of this now I think, instead of being desolate we are on the surface almost back to normal except that we talk about this subject a lot but nothing new comes up. We both feel numb I think, exhausted by it too. Still no less confused by all of this though.

Oh and get this. I told my boss a couple of weeks ago what I was going through, I broke down and just wanted to say I am doing my best but I am a bit all over the place right now, I just wanted to keep her in the loop. Two days ago she called me in and have me a very passive aggressive telling off for being lazy and distracted at work, it was thinly veiled in a veneer of enquiring as to how I was doing emotionally. She told me off for pretty much nothing as any time I have had off has been using my paid leave and my workload has not diminished at all. She said I was never at my desk the past few days which was true but that was due to abdominal cramps due to constipation brought on by stress and I had taken laxatives to help (Sorry TMI I know). I was and am so angry at her, such a petty person it really upset me, totally not what I needed. So now I am having to be extra careful at work, even skipping going to the toilet so I do not appear to be dodging work.

Sorry for the ramble and sheer size of this post, as I said a lot has happened. I am not necessarily on here for answers as I know I am a stuck record and feel like I am being silly or over sensitive. Please know this forum has been a godsend to me during all of this, I may not always respond directly as I have a lot to report on but I always hang on every post and give it all serious consideration. Thanks for your help.