Dear SantaFe:

You don’t sound stupid at all. You sound smart to me: you feel like doing something, you pause, you ask yourself: is this right to do?, and you ask this before you say or do anything to A or to B:  that’s smart.

You are not wrong to feel what you do, to emotionally react to the situation the way you do- we don’t choose our emotional reactions. Choice apply only to how we react with our words and actions.

“I feel like throwing a tantrum and cutting off this relationship as well. Like, “oh you value them more? Go have that relationship then. Bye”-  Reads to me like an old wound has reopened in this situation: someone long ago valued others more than he/ she valued you?

(I will be back to the computer in a few hours).

anita

Dear SantaFe:

I read your most recent post and the few you posted since February 2017. You shared or suggested that your parents valued your siblings more than they valued you, and as a result, you felt like “the spare child“, very hurt and angry, believing that you are inadequate, incapable and stupid, inferior and hateworthy:

“I’ve had this extremely negative view of myself, that I don’t deserve (an interview). I am extremely bad at putting my thoughts into words, I’ll fumble, I’ll fall short of words, I’ll take huge pauses, stupid words will come out of my mouth, and there’s no delete button on those“,

“It is an elite school, and I’m such an average student, average person, everyone who studies there has a stellar background, exudes confidence, and then there’s me.. still a loser… talentless, nervous, and an idiot. Don’t know  what I’ll amount to ever in my life. Can’t stop hating myself” (Feb 2017, age 27)

“I am still a loser… Idk how to explain this without sounding extremely stupid… I feel like throwing a tantrum and cutting off this relationship as well. Like, ‘oh you value them more? Go have that relationship then. Bye… Somehow this brought me back to my old unmanaged self, it often so happens when I’m back home” (July 31, 2022, age 32).

My thoughts and quotes: no wonder you are back to your old-unmanaged self when you are back  to your home: it is your home (your parents) that created the unmanaged self. It is the old home that placed you in the “spare child” lifetime mental slot: the “extremely bad at..”, who takes “Huge pauses”, “a loser… an idiot… extremely stupid”, indeed an “extremely negative view” of yourself.

“I feel like I have this toxic urge to make A feel guilty for their actions and also make them realise and accept why they were wrong” – you wrote this at 32 about a friend, but isn’t this what you feel in regard to your parents when you are back home: to make them feel guilty for their actions, to make them realize and accept that they wronged you, and in what ways they wronged you?

I mean, it is very difficult to watch your parents being ignorant about how terribly they hurt you, isn’t it?

anita

Dear SantaFe:

Correction: A is a sibling, not a friend. “I’ve confronted my parents several times about this. Their repetitive response is that it’s me who (is) thinking negatively” – they are wrong. When you were a young child, you accurately perceived how your parents treated you and how they treated others. A young child does not have previous experience to distort their understanding of what is really happening.

This reminds me of my mother who attacked my thinking big time, and repeatedly, her message was that I was thinking wrong, that I didn’t understand, that I didn’t make sense… it was mental torture to grow up with these messages, especially it being that the one dishing out these messages was a disturbed person who didn’t make sense.

You mentioned yesterday having had “loads of therapy, self-reflection and distance…  now I’m older and wiser“, and 15 minutes ago, you wrote: “Somehow coming back home just makes all my wisdom.. go away“-

– I crossed continents and oceans so to get as far away from my mother as possible, and away from her I made a lot of progress, but every time I visited her, all the progress evaporated. Then away from her again, I made progress again, starting from scratch..  and next visit- it was all gone. After years of this dynamic, there was no more progress… until after I ended ALL contact with her.

anita

Dear SantaFe:

Oh, I am not the owner of the website. I am a member, just like you (only I am very active here daily, for longer than 7 years). You are welcome in regard to my part of your experience here.

“They don’t think they are doing something wrong while they do it” – when they keep doing wrong to you.. they are still doing wrong whether they think so or not.

“These petty tantrums that I felt like throwing today just made me feel worse“- if I was a mother and my child was throwing a tantrum, before I tell the child that her behavior is unacceptable, I would tell the child that I understand that she is angry, and that I understand why she is angry, validating her feelings in this way. And then I’d show her a way to express her anger that is different from throwing a tantrum, so that she has an alternative option to tantrums.

Treat yourself similarly: validate your own feelings, they are justified, and then find an effective way to express.. and resolve your anger, a new way.

anita

You are welcome, SantaFe. Hugs back to you!

anita