Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→How do I stop being angry about old drama? (long)
- This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 11 months ago by
Bill Lee.
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May 22, 2014 at 5:36 pm #56891
jason holbornParticipantLast spring doesn’t seem so long ago; don’t beat yourself up too much about “not letting go of this ancient drama”. It’s fairly recent, imho! Big crises need big time to move by. You say you “shouldn’t be so angry and cared”, yet you feel the way you feel and you are the way you are. Imho, that’s a-ok. You have the intention to move on; that’s great imho.
One useful thing (sometimes, in great emotion, I forget this!) is to write a gratitude list out, or mentally create one. A daily gratitude journal, if you don’t already have one, could be one key to help you move on in the way that you wish to.
Good luck! Bonne chance!
May 23, 2014 at 7:53 am #56945
KellyParticipant“What people think of you is none of your business” is a quote I like.
One suggestion I have is to unfriend or at least hide these people in your Facebook newsfeed. Exit the groups where they are making public comments that have you feeling uncomfortable. Essentially, limit your exposure to the hurtful things. Out of sight, out of mind can sometimes be a very easy and effective way to deal with these types of issues.
I encourage you to continue with your art project. It made you happy. Do it for you, not for anybody else. If you do share it in an online art community and someone recognizes it and starts in on you, that’s going to reflect far worse on them than on you. Don’t allow fear to keep you paralyzed. Sharing your art is brave, be proud of that. Anyone can be a critic but it takes courage to exhibit your work. Unfortunately, you may need to develop thick skin in terms of handling criticism or rejection. Not everybody is going to like your work, or you for that matter, but it takes all types to make the world go around. Someone may fall in love with your work, and by extension you.
May 23, 2014 at 12:25 pm #57088
Lavinia LumezanuParticipantWell, to me all of this just seems like a misunderstanding that turned into a huge mess. I can’t pretend to understand what you are going through, but I have had myself episodes when the drama of it was just overwhelming and all I wanted to do is run away. I was angry at everyone. Here are a few steps that helped me:
1. If you did something wrong towards your friends, first of all apologize, ask them to forgive you and let them know how much it hurts you to see or hear those comments. Sometimes people don’t even realize how much harm they are doing by teasing, bringing up old wounds, and rehashing everything. Give them the benefit of the doubt and try talking to them. If it works, great; if it doesn’t, then you know you’ve done your best.
2. Stop talking about it. If anyone in your group of friends brings it up, kindly tell them that it’s a matter from the past and you’d like to keep it in the past. Be gentle about it though, nobody likes to be put in the corner for some random comment.
3. It seems to me that you’re more angry at yourself than you are at your friends. Maybe because you trusted them, maybe because you allowed yourself to get involved in all the drama. Whatever it is, forgive yourself for it. Let it be a lesson for the future, but leaving the drama and the pain in the past.
4. Forgive your friends. At the end of the day, they are human, with good and bad. You once saw them as your friends. Even if they no longer fit that title, they must have done something to deserve the title “friend” and some point in your life. Forgive them for all the bad things and try to still appreciate the good things they did.
5. Go back to your art. Even if you don’t feel like it in the beginning, even if it brings some of the pain back, just let the pain wash through and let art heal you.
And last, but not least, as for support. You don’t have to ask your friends or your family if that makes your uncomfortable or embarrassed, just ask anyone, feel free to ask me – after all, I’m just a stranger so I have no judgments to begin with. I’m happy to be a sounding board while you figure things out. Look me up at http://www.justlav.com and shoot me an email and most importantly, never ever think that you don’t matter.
May 23, 2014 at 1:59 pm #57144
Bill LeeParticipantDear PPT,
First of all, I applaud you for acknowledging your own mistakes and owning up to them. As for the behavior of your so-called friends and their posse, unfortunately being petty and unkind are simply how many individuals act out. Putting others down in order to feel better about oneself usually indicates one’s own fears and insecurities.
I have been in therapy for most of my adult life, focusing considerable effort on forgiving family, friends, and mortal enemies. Although the “adult” or intellectual part of me eventually gained insight regarding all the trauma, I kept suffering because it was my “inner child” that was still suffering and needed healing. If this resonates with you in any way, I will share that what helped me considerably was embracing the Buddhist concept of interconnectivity, along with practicing Tonglen meditation. Specifically, I focus on the common attributes that I share with my enemies and cultivate compassion for them. One technique is to picture people who have harmed you as 5 year-old children and imagine how they must have suffered and are still hurting as adults. You can also picture yourself as a 5 year-old and have a dialogue with them, informing them know that you understand and forgive them. This practice has helped me alleviate and get rid of ruminations, flashbacks, and nightmares. All of this is detailed in my latest book. I wish you inner peace.
In Kindness,
Bill
May 23, 2014 at 2:10 pm #57149KellyParticipantBill, I really like your technique of picturing people as 5 year olds who suffered and thinking about how they’re still hurting. In fact, it makes me weep for those I’ve felt wronged me. I am imagining myself giving these children loving hugs and telling them it’s ok. Thank you for sharing.
May 23, 2014 at 4:34 pm #57184Bill LeeParticipantKelly,
You’re more than welcome. I’m glad you could identify with my post. It took me many years to realize how empowering compassionate can be. Have a peaceful weekend.
Bill
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