Dear Soopy:

I like your thinking very much. I think it will be perfectly fine, morally, ethically if you do pack your bags and leave for any amount of time, including forever. I see humans as herd animals. In nature the individual gives in to the herd because it serves the individual, but in humans, so very often, the family- which I call the herd-of-origin- does a great disservice to the individual. And the individual does not benefit. Therefore< I command you for wanting to leave the herd-of-origin aka family.

As to where to go, I talked yesterday to a man who visited Vietnam a few weeks ago. He said the air quality in the cities was bad to very bad. So, I would go where the air quality is good enough. As far as the US, there are inexpensive areas of course. The US is a big, big place.

Maybe you can write more details about the kind of place where you want to live. i wonder what country you reside in now and what do you like and dislike about the town/ city where you currently live?

anita

Dear Soopy:

I remember this place in Austria, a ski resort, called Insbruk (may be misspelled). I bet it is very expensive but i remember how beautiful.

I exited a very sick and dependent relationship with my mother, so I have experience in separating from (in my case) abusive, guilting, shaming mother. It took a long time. Eventually I chose me over her. Eventually I had to choose: who am I for, me or her? It was always her and it brought me nothing but misery. It was about: do I sacrifice the rest of my life?

I chose me when I was over fifty years old. I am now 55. I hope you make the right choice earlier than me and I highly recommend you make the choice ASAP. Nothing noble about self sacrifice.

I would leave, if I was you. Choose you. Please, choose you.

As to where, someplace with clean air, no/ little traffic jams, someplace where your family can’t reach. Someplace reasonably safe. Someplace where you can make your life worthwhile.

Please post again:

anita

Dear Soopy:

Yes, soopy, I have found that place that makes my life worthwhile. Physically it is in Washington State, USA, in a wooded area outside city limits. It is a simple life. What motivates me daily is curiosity about what I can learn next. When distressed, i get curious. I am married and have a good win-win relationship. I am finally home.

I understand you loving your mother. I loved my mother more than words can say and I sacrificed most of my life, over five decades of it for her while harming myself and … not benefiting her. At best it was a lose-win (lose for me, win to her) and when you look at the whole picture it was lose-lose, lose for both.

The way it should have been is for her to build me up in childhood (and on), to encourage me to be capable. That way I could have really helped her: it would have been for her benefit. But what she did instead was to destroy me, to greatly discourage my capability factor.

When your mother “spoils” you and when she does everything she can for you and when she doesn’t let you do things like open a bank account because she worries you couldn’t- i don’t think you are seeing what is going on (I didn’t see it either in the past):

She is not spoiling you. She is not loving you. She is encouraging you to be dependent on her, and to not have faith in your own capability to do things for yourself. This too is part of her manipulative behavior.

It is natural for children- way into adulthood- to love our parents, be it in the Western World or any part of the world: we are born to love our parent/s, just like other mammals. Our parents don’t earn our love. We automatically, genetically love them. Your love for her does not indicate that she is worthy of your love. You were born loving her. And then, this love distorts your view of her, at least a good part of your view of her, seeing love where there is selfishness and self interest on her part.

Did she sacrifice her life for you or did she invest in manipulating you?

What do you think? Please let me know and feel free to disagree with you. What matters, always, is what you believe, what you figure out to be true.

anita

I was in your ‘place’ till 3-4 months ago. Surrounded by traditional family, mentally abusive mother, city with no prospects for decent job that would allow me to live the life I wanted. I don’t even wanna start with the neighbors and with the ‘friends’. I still don’t know how I managed to live through the periods of severe depression.. I also envied people born in the ‘western’ world that could just leave home when they are 18 and discover themselves..

And than my boyfriend got job in one of those ‘western’ countries. I got my partner’s visa, we packed our bags and never looked back. It was the happy ending I wanted.

But you can’t escape yourself and who you are. I didn’t get happy ending. Just a beginning of a new journey that started with crazy anxiety and panic disorders. Till few weeks ago I was in isolated house, alone 10 hours a day, surrounded by beautiful nature outside, and ugly demons from inside. That’s where my panic disorder started and I had to fight a new bigger fight, worse that my mum, society and neighbours- fight with myself and the dark corners of my mind, all the stuff and insecurities that had been there for years, hidden.

I managed to get better,and I moved again, to a nice city, isolation was not for me :). Now I am hunting for my dream job (in the creative fields).

My point is- if you want it, you will find a way, or the ‘way’ will find you… You’ll spot an add, a poster, hear about opportunity from a friend. You’ll also find the finances somehow. All all this will be a distant memory, I promise. And you will look back on this life and even miss parts of it. New challenges will rise, new problems, new solutions. You will realize that no one could hurt you without your permition. And that it’s not the big spectacular cities, but the small things that bring true happiness. Find them wherever you are, even now.

Be strong, things will get better, life will get better. Trust yourself. Trust life.