May, what you wrote resonated with me. Because he’s in his residency, I understand that’s his top priority. I always wanted to be respectful and understanding of that. What I didn’t understand is why he signed up on a dating website, pursued me pretty heavily and asked me on a date, just to later emotionally withdraw and say, “I’m just so busy in my life right now.”

I feel deep down that what he did was selfish. It takes less than 5 minutes out of an entire 24 hour day to utilize the convenient technology we have now to simply tell someone, “Hey, I’ve got a lot going on with work today, just wanted to say I hope you’re having a good day.”

But he would often not do that. And why? Because he didn’t want to! While I’m still heartbroken, a part of me feels relieved that I don’t have to make excuses for him anymore. In the 7 months we knew each other he never met one of my friends. Not a single one. He never even asked to. Why? Because he didn’t care enough to. I always made excuses for him and told my friend’s, “He’s really busy… He’s a doctor. He’s like this to everyone…” I’m done with the excuses.

I deserve someone who feels as excited about me as I do about them. Not someone who throws me crumbs of attention when he’s feeling lonely in his downtime or tells me he’ll text me and then doesn’t for days. This was a classic “he’s just not that into you.” It was like a story right out of that book. I was just too head-over-heels and created something wishful in my mind that wasn’t really there. In my personal opinion, when you deeply care about someone and want to be with them, there won’t be questions if it’s a healthy relationship and the feelings are mutual. Anyways, thanks for your response and keep us posted!

Heikki: I think that’s a great approach! I’m going to get my counselor’s perspective during our meeting tomorrow. I think that may be the best way to do it though. It’s hard waiting for him to get in touch with me (it could be days, weeks, or possibly never), so I may as well see if he’ll accept to meet for coffee. If not, I’ll still wish him well. Even though I’m feeling sad right now, I’ll still know I tried and was able to end things on a good note from my side. I would most likely do exactly what you said, “tell him a friendly I wish you the best kind of goodbye. That you were happy to have met him and spent that brief time with him, and only wish him well.”

Heikki: Thank you for following up. The session with my counselor went well. He pretty much said what you recommended, that it would be okay to contact him, ask to meet up, and if he declines then simply wish him well, accept it, and move on.

He did challenge me to think about why I needed one last meet-up though. We came to the conclusion that I felt uncomfortable with not having control. A relationship is a partnership between two people. My relationship was one-sided and this person did things on their own terms. Now that the relationship is ending, I want to exercise some control and at least be acknowledged (acknowledged as a loss, acknowledged as a person, not just “discarded” or “pushed aside”). In reality though, I don’t have control. I can’t control how he’s going to act. I have to let go of that control and be at peace with how things are.

I haven’t heard from him in 10 days. I sent him a text a few hours ago saying, “Hey, I hope everything is going well. I’d still like to give you your things back and briefly meet-up. I still respect your decision [to move on]. It would be nice to see you one last time and to say good-bye on a positive note. If you’re not interested, just let me know.”

It’s a coin-toss whether or not he’ll respond. If he chooses to never respond then I’ll discard the few things I have of his and move on. It hurts, but not as much as before. I believe I did everything I could.

I heard a quote recently that helped me put things in perspective. I believe I had the capacity to give him a “gallon” of love, but he could only give me a “cup.” His “cup” of love wasn’t enough to make my feel fulfilled in a partnership. Sometimes you have to meet people where they are and love them at the level they can receive it. The only way for me to do this is to gently and kindly send him love, but leave (because it’s what he wants and what is ultimately best for both of us).

Do you feel this is a fair analysis of the situation? It might sound like I’m letting him off the hook, but I feel whatever I say or do won’t resonate with him because he simply doesn’t care. Why waste more of my energy on someone who doesn’t care about me in the way I cared about them? Why feel angry at him when I can feel free?