Helen,

I apologize for the brevity, time is short for me at the moment, but some things came to heart as I read your words that I wish to say before they fade.

Consider trying to catch your feelings directly. When you heard about the time he spent with his friend, there were the words you heard, the visions you had, the feelings that came up, and then the words you spoke. When we are feeling stressed, it is OK to accept that we’re stressed. Its better to say “I am feeling…” than “how could you do that to me.” Consider that if you had caught the feeling of jealousy and fear before it turned to anger and accusations, it would have been less disorienting for both of you.

For instance “wow, as you told me about your friend, I had images of you being intimate with her and that was painful. Now I feel jealous, scared and angry. Can you help me those? Can you assure me that I am the magic in your eyes? That we are still we?” Own the feelings, and then own up to your feelings. That way you do not push him away or scare him away, but rather give him the keys to helping you.

Namaste, distant sister.

With warmth,
Matt

He told you about hanging out with the two ‘friends-with-benefits’ girls so it doesn’t sound like he was trying to hide anything from you. And as for his ex, how much information do you want? Generally it’s best to leave the past in the past. Personally, I don’t think it’s necessary to talk about an ex unless it is somehow relevant to your current relationship.

I’m hearing from you that you feel insecure and that is something that YOU must deal with. Your boyfriend is not responsible for making you feel secure. If he is doing something that bothers you, set clear and firm boundaries for yourself. for example, say–I really don’t feel comfortable when you hang out with other girls (that you’ve slept with) or talk about your ex. I would prefer it if you didn’t do it. –Then if he continues the behavior, you might want to consider ending the relationship since he is not respecting you or your feelings.

Depression and anxiety are not easy to cope with. Please try to heal yourself first before you worry about having serious relationships. You can only be loved and respected as much as you love and respect and feel comfortable with yourself.