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How do I make my decision?

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  • February 10, 2016 at 8:03 am #95669
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Amelia_R:

    I am glad you are back although I wish you felt better. I re-read your posts on this thread.

    You wrote in the last post that with this relationship ending you are “back to square one” I think this “square one” is the same square one you were in when the 7 years relationship ended and it is the same square one that you were in as a child.

    Wooo, how did I get there? How would I know what state of mind you were in as a child? (One may ask…i do, obviously)

    You tell me, Amelia, if you will, about Square One. When did Square One start?

    If Square One is as lonely, sad, in-a-daze, lost place I am imagining, and remember from personal experience, then this place, this Square One is a place you will do anything to avoid. No matter what the thinking, the lies on his part… no matter what, you will want to avoid it… unless you confront it and heal what needs to be healed.

    Tell me…?

    anita

    February 10, 2016 at 8:47 am #95672
    Amelia_R
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes, square one is exactly what you have described above. And I do suppose in a way that was the situation for me as a child too- infact you saying that has actually made me cry for some reason. As I child I didn’t understand emotion and love and security as I didn’t have it in the way a child growing up should. I would say I was this way for many years. From the age of 16 I have had long term relationships, with my second one being very toxic, my third one being the 7 year relationship which although was with a loving a kind person, we never really progressed and in the end we drifted, however throughout this period from about 21-26 I really started feeling happy in myself and able to express my feelings, to love and to feel confident and outgoing, I felt safe and secure- I did also believe we could have worked through the issues, but he did not and it ended. And now my latest, a relationship which really I knew deep down I was not truly happy in, he was not the right person for me but I still carried on hoping that it would work, wanting to feel that happiness I experienced at the start, in a way it was a relief feeling, like thank god I have someone now who I can finally have a good relationship with and yes, I suppose like you say it was a way to avoid being on my own and being lonely.

    The day I took last week to just be by myself was really relaxing, I really enjoyed my me time- but was that just because I knew he was coming round later? It wasn’t definitely over at that stage… now I feel lost, unable to concentrate properly, extremely tired- I feel like I have gone back in time, back to when I was not confident or happy.

    February 10, 2016 at 8:59 am #95674
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Amelia:

    That Square One state of mind, the sadness, loneliness, desperation… these are sort of an Emotional Memory from childhood. When a relationship ends, your emotional memory gets triggered and you go back to that state of mind, very unpleasant. The thing is, that Square One state is not a result of the latest breakup, separation, but it is a result of an ongoing state of mind you were in as a child. It was very painful then and that pain is what comes up again and again.

    When you expected to see the latest boyfriend later in the day, that made it possible for you to feel good… When you are involved with a guy that reciprocates loving attention, you feel really good.

    Of course, it is natural to feel happy when loved and sad when you lose that love. It is the INTENSITY of the feelings that is born in those childhood experience.

    If you think it may be helpful, to the extent that it will, for as long as you feel comfortable doing so, you can get in touch now with a bit,just a bit of how it felt then, as a child and that way, you can place that intensity of sadness and despair in the past, where it originated.

    Only, if you are comfortable, when you are comfortable doing so and only to the extent that you think it may be helpful to you, to do this here.

    anita

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