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How do I let go of husband's sexual past..

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  • #101822
    rebuild101
    Participant

    My wonderful husband cheated on me before we were married over a decade ago ( I recently found out). I have done a ton of emotional work to get past this. My rational mind tells me “the past bares no weight” and why the past doesn’t matter today. His track record is amazing and he has been the best friend, partner, lover, father and every thing else. I just seem to be a little stuck on the letting go of the betrayal. Also, thinking about the other girl since she is kind of part of our lives. Any advice on moving forward? I think all of this insecurity comes from my own issues. Just need to hear some encouraging words about how this gets easier and how we all make mistakes etc….

    #101823
    keine
    Participant

    It sounds like what you’re really upset about is that your husband kept his infidelity from you for all these years–he wasn’t completely open and honest with you when it happened, not the act itself. This man is the one you vowed to love, honor and cherish (and he made that same vow to you)…of course finding out that he was unfaithful at one time will feel like a terrible betrayal…you are allowing yourself to feel that pain and anger, which is natural. Those feelings have their place and time, but that time is past for you.

    You have probably heard this many times before, but you have a lot to be thankful for in your marriage the way it stands today. Your husband loves you. He treats you with kindness and respect, and does his best by you. That, certainly, is something to be grateful for!

    I hope that very soon you two do something fun that celebrates the joy that each has brought to the other–doesn’t have to be a special occasion…maybe dinner tonight!

    One question, though–you say that the woman with whom he was unfaithful is still a part of your lives…how big a role does she play in your life? Have you spoken to her about how you are feeling (if possible and practical?)

    Good luck to you.

    #101825
    rebuild101
    Participant

    Hi, Thanks for you post. It makes a lot of sense. The details of it all is what makes it complicated…
    She is technically his stepsister. But they only lived together briefly as a family. So it’s not some creepy thing like he raised her or anything like that. They have no relationship now. Their friendship ended once he met me (although they messed around together once while he dated me) I also think they both just felt awkward for having feelings for each other at one point and also—what the parents would think if they ever found out.
    We only see her 1-2 a year at the most. But now after everything came out, she says she is not comfortable being around him. I only found out because he could no longer keep his lie once she said she would never be around us anymore. I am glad I know now because he can be his authentic self. This triggered so much more that has nothing to do with her.
    She has made him the complete bad guy. She is not taking any ownership in her part in this. Maybe because he was 10 years older than her–who knows. She’s probably full of guilt and shame for having feelings for him back when they were both young, dumb, vulnerable and both have attachments issues. It’s been pretty devastating.

    My husband and I know our truth. It’s unfortunate that her truth is something very painful. So for now I doubt we will see her again. I feel a lot of anger toward her because she propositioned him when all of this occurred.I know it takes two—but it still pisses me off. I feel that they are both guilty. We all mistakes and I am fine with that. I never really knew her either so I don’t feel the need to talk to her. I am fine with possibly never seeing her again. She was never family to us anyway. I feel like she is not part of the equation in my life. I just triggered so much insecurity.

    R

    #101826
    keine
    Participant

    I am glad to hear that you and your husband are both working on moving on from that mistake. We all make mistakes and the best thing we can do to rectify them is to take responsibility, forgive ourselves and move on.

    It is a shame that this girl can’t let go of what happened, but that has nothing to do with you or your husband. She is responsible for her own feelings and actions. She has to seek healing for herself, and perhaps she will someday. That is not your concern.

    I went through something similarly painful with my ex-husband, though the situation was not the same. Long story short, for years after the divorce I was angry and in pain. I’m still healing and letting go. The journey is difficult, but rewarding.

    I hope you and your husband continue to grow together!

    #101868
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear rebuild101:

    From previous posts I understand that you suffer from anxiety, this ongoing excess fear that catches on to this thought or that. Your husband’s long ago interaction with his step sister is a very convenient thought for your roaming fear to grab itself to.

    Dealing, or healing your anxiety is a good aim and it will take time and work. These are two separate issues. The husband’s interactions are in the long gone past, but it is your anxiety that is happening in the present.

    anita

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