Hi all. Thanks for the read.

I once had a very successful career. By successful I mean that I was making modest 6 figures and would go up from there. I left my career to take care of my older relatives. After my grandmother, grandfather and father died, I began to think about what I wanted to do. I still had to take care of my mother but she was in a condition where I could begin the steps I needed to move back into the mainstream. While I wouldn’t step back into that track so many years later going back would still provide at paycheck that would contribute substantially to a retirement. I needed to refresh my skills to be competent so I was thinking of grad school. When she passes I will be alone. The options are somewhat limitless.

Nothing was exciting. I waited, prayed, meditated, fished, walked in the surf, played with the dog and viewed the mountains. So I went with what I knew. When I was working, I felt vibrant, smart and capable. It wasn’t the job that would necessarily take me to ends of the earth as I envisioned but it was a place to start.

There seems to be where the disconnect comes. I was unable to get into the grad school of choice in time to take an assistantship (I didn’t ask for it and the professor who offered (and runs the dept) no longer speaks). My old loans prevented me from starting the next semester. That issue resolved, I started the first summer session – pulmonary embolism… second summer session – heart blockage. It’s been a year.

My grandfather had a saying that if it was hard then it wasn’t meant to be. My mother says to let it go and do something normal, not so uppity. I still see it as doable. I have had a habit of being a quitter in the past. But I’m 45 and time waits for no one. How do I know I’m holding on because I can’t see anything else or if it’s a cosmic alarm.

Thoughts? Wishes? Wisdom please.