Home→Forums→Tough Times→HOW do i implement change?
- This topic has 7 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 6 months ago by Axuda.
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June 15, 2015 at 6:07 am #78245AmalParticipant
Dear Tiny Buddha community,
I have found myself visiting this website very frequently over the course of the past three years. In those years I realised I WAS a very codependent, insecure, frightened young lady. I’ve been through abuse, teen pregnancy, depression, the loss of a child and various loved ones. Now at the age of 24, I am sitting at my desk thinking about where I want to go in life. Where I want to go in life. I’ve always followed people around, whether it was my family, my so called girlfriends or my boyfriends. I’ve always had someone to tell me how to act, how to dress, which interests I should have and what I should or better yet, shouldn’t to. I also realised I have missed so many opportunities that could have made me much stronger than I’m feeling today. However, I did manage to fix my relationship with my father, which was the main reason why I made so many stupid mistakes in the first place. For that, I will forever be grateful to life, to love and the universe.
Even so, I feel like I’ve reached this dead end. With no one to order me around, I have absolutely no idea what I would like to achieve in life. I’m still in college, I recently lost my job so that has been playing on my mind a lot. I’ve been feeling this inner urge to travel but on the other hand I don’t want to feel like I’m escaping reality.
I had this so called best friend who recently has changed herself, I don’t blame her for it, I feel sad because she doesn’t want me around in her new life. She hasn’t said it so much in words, but actions speak louder than words is what I’ve come to learn. Also, Maya Angelou taught me to believe whomever shows you their true self. This is a very harsh reality because now, I’m sitting at this desk at my parent’s house, I feel very lonely, very useless sometimes. Lazy, I might call myself cause I KNOW that I’m not putting in the full effort that I should. Has anyone experienced anything like this and if so, could you tell me how YOU came to terms with yourself and started to enjoy your own company. I feel like I’m constantly being chased by myself , when in fact I don’t want to put any pressure on myself whatsoever. I just want to be at peace and not feel this constant anxiety when I’m around people or when I have to perform in any kind.
I just want to be the young, confident, bubbly woman that I know I am. I feel like I lost her through the battle field, yet sometimes she comes out of the blue and then I lose her again.
I found a little poem I wrote a few weeks ago, it goes like this:I’m ashamed
for the foul mistakes I made
I’m afraid
things will never be the same
Come and save me
Can’t even blame you for
something you don’t even know of
Casket filled with memories
on the road of destiny
To my surprise
I had come to terms with what I realised
That games are here to be played
as long as the fool is willing to play
I’m ashamed
for all the foul mistakes I made
I’m afraid
things will never be the same
But most of all
I’m confused
as to why I’m waiting.– Hope
June 15, 2015 at 8:47 am #78251AxudaParticipantHi Hope
There are many people your age who have not had to endure anything like the things you have, and yet would expect people to feel sorry for them. The fact that you have been through all this and just want to know how to help yourself demonstrates just how much resilience you have and an incredible strength of character.
Despite the extraordinary ordeals you have gone through, the feelings you have at your age are common. As children, our lives are mapped out for us by our parents. As teenagers, we start to have some freedoms, but school and other activities still map out our days. As students, we get more freedoms but there is still a framework for us to follow. It is only as that period draws to a close that suddenly we find ourselves flying solo, no longer a passenger. And that is scary.
You have clearly already developed the necessary skills to cope with change, so the issue for you is how to generate changes that will be positive for you.
At any stage in life, but especially at your age, it is easy to become hung up on where or what you want to be, and then do whatever is necessary to get there. That’s fine if you have an idea what your goals are already. But if you still have no idea what your goals are, I find it much easier to approach it the other way around – what are your skills and the things you enjoy doing? Do them and then start looking for ways to build more of it into your life. That way, as the world changes, you are more adaptable. When I was 24, the job I’m doing now didn’t exist. Meanwhile a friend learned how to repair VHS video recorders (ask your parents), because that would be “a job for life!”
Your friend has made changes in your life, and you feel she has moved on. It is sad, but it is a comment on her life, not on you. Some friends do hang around for life, whilst others are like a good meal – a wonderful experience but not a lasting one. As you change, you will find that some friends come with you on your journey, and others don’t, but you will make more new friends on the way.
I suspect that, when you talk about being lazy, and not putting in enough effort, and not wanting to put pressure on yourself, that what you are really describing is a lack of motivation. Because you clearly can put in the effort when it means enough to you, by writing this post or your poem, neither of which you were asked to do. And I suspect that lack of motivation is down to you not having or giving yourself the opportunity to use the skills that you already have.
Poetry is an incredibly effective way of expressing masses of emotion and meaning in just a few words, and your beautiful poem does just that. From it, it is clear that you have had to deal with so many issues and feel burdened by them.
So my suggestion is to treat that poem as a declaration to yourself that you have acknowledged all of your feelings. You have acknowledged your shame, your guilt, your anger and your fear. Now, place all of those feelings carefully into the “casket of memories”, and close the lid. In that way, you have tidied up your daily life and you won’t keep accidentally stumbling across those old, negative feelings, and you no longer need to carry them around with you. You know where they are, if ever you need to refer to them, but it will be at a time of your choosing, not burdening you every day.
From your post and your poem, it is clear that you are a very eloquent, strong and thoughtful young lady, who has taken on and beaten everything that life has thrown at her so far. Now, you are at the top of a roller coaster, which is scary but also exciting. Start by doing something – anything – that will make you feel really excited and passionate. Write a poem, ride a motorcycle, do a parachute jump – whatever. Because that excitement and motivation will seep into other aspects of your life, and you will start to pick up speed until you become unstoppable.
June 15, 2015 at 10:02 am #78260AnonymousGuestDear hopeforamal:
You wrote: “I feel like I’m constantly being chased by myself… I just want to be at peace and not feel this constant anxiety…I just want to be the young, confident, bubbly woman that I know I am. I feel like I lost her through the battle field, yet sometimes she comes out of the blue and then I lose her again.”
Here is my take on what you wrote: first, there is a part of you, the child part which you describe above as “young, confident, bubbly.” And there is the internal critic part of you, one who is chasing the child part (“being chased”) and scaring the child part (who is in “constanct anxeity”) and is fighting against the child part (“battle field”). The child part of you comes out once in a while but you lose her because the internal critic part of you is scaring her away, abusing her, really.
In this battlefield, the child part in you is not dead so it comes up once in a while but most of the time she is hiding- can you blame her? With such a threatening enemy, the internal critic- no wonder she is hiding.
Who is going to save the child in you? Not the internal critic! There is a third part if you that needs to grow and mature- it is a part that will step into this battlefield and take care of things: protect the child part, remove the internal critic into a jail cell like where it is the least dangerous…
If anything of what I wrote speaks to you, let me know how and I will write you some more.
anitaJune 17, 2015 at 8:38 am #78382AmalParticipantThank you so much for both of your replies. My apologies for the delay, I’m actually from Belgium so there’s a time difference 🙂
I really appreciate your support and encouraging words. I’ve never even complimented myself in that way. I just keep seeing myself as this “whore of babylon” who had a child at 16 and gave it up for adoption.
I’m also Moroccan and my culture has no appreciation for this type of situation whatsoever. My family doesn’t even know, I was able to keep it a secret (don’t even ask me how cause up till this day I don’t understand how I got away with it). It just still feels so surreal… And because I’m so afraid of that judgement I’m still afraid of people. People talking smack about me, people thinking I might be weird, people thinking I’ve taken advantage of them or what not. I’m very afraid of people, when deep inside I love the company of people, meeting them, learning from them. But I’m so afraid of their thoughts and judgements in a very extreme way. It’s getting real unhealthy for me now since I’m only 24 and there’s so much to look forward to and to achieve.
I don’t know what point I’m trying to make. I think it’s pretty obvious I’m afraid, period. Afraid of challenging myself, afraid of letting people go that no longer serve me, afraid of changing, afraid of my own greatness as a human being perhaps. I feel exhausted, I really do. And I feel like I can’t laugh like I used to. Feeling pretty down today.June 17, 2015 at 9:45 am #78386AnonymousGuestDear hopeforamal:
Interesting, my mother is Moroccan and I LIVED with the mentality that what OTHER people think is the most important thing in the world. It used to drive me crazy. Until recently. I was going crazy: WHO are these people, why was she so scared to death about what they were thinking? She worked hard, physically for food and clothing and taking care of physical needs of her two daughters. THOSE people didn’t help her- why did she care so much about what THEY were thinking? She was willing to do anything to satisfy what she thought they wanted at the expense of herself and of me. I was sacrificed in the alter of what others think. It was all about how others see us- M.I.S.E.R.Y is what it was. I got into the habit of automatically seeing things through other people’s eyes, not pausing to see things through my own. Of course, I was projecting, but still my point of view was the other person.It was aexhausting. It is sick, really. The way to live is to look at life from one own’s eyes, as the center of your own life.
anitaJune 17, 2015 at 9:59 am #78388AmalParticipantDear Anita,
What are the odds that I would meet someone who’d understand my background from her own experience 🙂
Tell me, how did you stop listening to what THEY had to say. Cause THEY seem to have a lot to say. I feel exhausted dear anita, and I’m already one to be less conforming than most of the girls who share our culture. And I’m still struggling. My father just recently started to open his eyes to the actual person that I am. Up until now I was “just a kid” or even worse, “just a girl”, a burden that needed to be PROTECTED (read: closed behind bars). I couldn’t do anything when growing up: music lessons, dance lessons, soccer practice you name it. This resulted into me rebelling against them during puberty and making the mistakes that forever changed my life. Even though I’m only 24, I feel old. I feel like my soul is much older than my peers and this makes it hard to connect with people my age. Axuda, I would like to thank you again and if there’s more you want to share with me, I’m happy to read and accept your advice. I love learning about growth cause it’s the only thing that keeps me sane. I know that other people would have resulted into abusing drugs or even suicide in my situation. I have thought about it, I’m not going to lie, but those dark days are over now. I’m having a harder time moving forward than accepting my past.June 17, 2015 at 10:32 am #78391AnonymousGuestDear hopeforamal:
You asked how did I stop listetning to what THEY had to say- first I removed myself from the environment, from the country- all the people and my mother. I couldn’t stand it anymore, couldn’t. Problem is I carried those people’s opinions, or should I say what my mother was telling me that THEY were thinking and saying- I carried those with me in my own head. Those voices have been alive and well as my “inner Critic” or in Freudian terms, Superego. Part of my psyche.It is only very lately at 54 (thirty years older than you!) that I am finding myself listening to MY OWN voice. I hope you are there sooner than me. How to listen to your own voice?
My answer that cannot be transferred intellectually and must be experienced is: connect to your inner child part, the feeling part of you- one cannot have one own’s voice with intellect alone. To have your own voice far, far louder than any other’s you have to have CONVICTION behind your thinking. You can’t have conviction behind your thinking, no matter how intelligent you are and how shiny and flowery and impressive your thinking is IF YOU DON”T HAVE YOUR FEELINGS backing your thinking.
WIthout the feelings incorporated, thinking is a magnificent exercise that withers and falls apart at the first (emotional) challenge.
anitaJune 18, 2015 at 9:23 am #78436AxudaParticipantHi Hope
Whilst I don’t have the same cultural background as you, I do live in a small community where everyone knows everyone else. As a consequence I often feel that anything I do is being watched by people I went to school with, or former colleagues or girlfriends, so it creates a magnified sense of worrying about what others think, especially when I was your age.
One of the benefits of getting older is that you start to care less about what others think. Partly this is because I now see so many of my contemporaries who wish they had done something different with their lives, but who became lawyers and accountants to please their parents, who are no longer around. When they see someone actually changing their life and getting out of the rat-race, they feel envious. Similarly with parents – they will try to guide you because they love you and are advising you with the best of motives. But ultimately all they really want is for you to be happy. So thank them for caring, thank them for their advice, let them know you love them, and do what you think is right. When they see you are happy, you will be surprised how supportive they will become.
You are looking for some direction in your life. I’m nearly 30 years older than you, and let me tell you, so am I. So I’m just trying to do more of what I enjoy. I can’t make a living out of it, at least not yet – not whilst I have a house to pay for and kids to support. So I’m still doing my job, but trying to spend every spare moment doing things I love – reading, writing, walking, motorcycling, making things, and passing on the benefits of my experience on forums like these. And by doing all these things regularly, I am getting better at them. And maybe, one day, I will be good enough to make a living from them. But even if I don’t, I still feel better for doing them.
As you are still at college, you will have opportunities to make a living when your studies finish. But don’t spend so much time making a living that you forget to have a life. Often we study to do a job that pays well, so that we can spend our spare time doing what we love. But the study and the job is hard, because we don’t love it. Try to experience the joy of doing something that you love, just for its own sake. It will teach you that learning can be a joy, and that getting out of your comfort zone and doing things that scare you is fun, not frightening. Try taking those music lessons, dance lessons, soccer lessons that you missed when you were younger. Maybe try something that you never thought you would do in a million years. Fly a plane. Do a bungee jump. Run a marathon (I did, and trust me, if I can, anyone can!) You will be amazed at what it does for your self-esteem and your feelings about what you are capable of.
Just one more tale – A university friend of mine graduated with an excellent degree in Sociology and History, but couldn’t find any work. He had loved trucks since he was a little boy, and had spent one of his summer vacations getting a licence to drive a truck, for no other reason than he had always wanted to. So he managed to get a job with a trucking company (after lying about his qualifications – they wouldn’t have taken him if they had known he had a degree), much to the dismay of his parents who had spent a lot of money to put him through university. He spent the next five years or so driving trucks for the biggest music supergroups of the day, mixing with just about every famous name you could think of, and by the age of 32 started his own trucking company. He sold the company for millions at the age of 40 and effectively retired. All because he chose to do something he loved, just for the fun of it. And his parents? He bought them a lovely house, so I think they forgave him…
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