I have to be very brief with my post here and will come back to you later,  but I think it’s worth mentioning right off the bat that I think you’re doing a good job so far. not a lot of people would be so understanding of his situation. I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that his symptoms at one point were truly schizophrenic if that’s any consolation. symptoms of depression can present in strange ways. I myself was diagnosed with mild OCD several years ago on  top of the major depressive disorder I’ve had all my life. it took two traumatic events I had in quick succession which triggered my obsessive thinking and it fried my brain. It took a few years of introspection, cognitive behavioral therapy and learning from Buddhist ideology to help me check my intrusive and irrational thoughts. I’ll  summarize for now by saying: “don’t give up hope, I think you’re on the right track!”

Hi Jen

My name is Simona. I am 51 years old.  From the age of 17 to 24 I suffered from a chemical depression that included bipolar and disassociated personality.

After the birth of my first son my chemical depression dissipated a great deal and from 24 to about 31 I led for the most part a peaceful life –  raising my two sons as a stay home mom – and also attempting to run a Creative Photography business out of the House.

I ran the business for about a year – but when I attempted to do location photography – gave up after a failed photo shoot for a prior client. I did not poses the self confidence to persevere.  Then when my younger son started school full time  I began feeling guilty for not working – but felt lost – did not know who or what I was about –   entered a new phase – where I questioned everything about my disassociated self, my purpose in life – and soon after became severely depressed once more – but this time with an existential type of depression – pushing me into an obsessive quest for answers.

At the age of 45 I finally came to the end of my quest – figuring my purpose – and finally feeling whole and normal like everyone else who wasn’t struggling with mental illness and who appeared to be enjoying life.

I am writing this brief simplistic background not to share my woes too – but to give you a sense of how long I’ve dealt with mental illness.

– I experienced terrible agony, constantly wishing to die – but could not bring myself to commit suicide – was scarred, felt guilty

– I hit my head against the wall – to feel physical pain – in order to feel alive

– I stared at the ceiling for hours –

– I had a disassociated personality – one shy awkward – the other dressing in  provocative apparel to  gain attention from men

These are just a few things

The Biggest Problem – I felt entirely Alone – Had no one to talk to – Because number 1 – I didn’t know what was going on with me – and # 2 No one cared to listen or even if they did – could ever understand what I was going through – therefore I was still alone  – BUT IN MY CASE MOSTLY BECAUSE – MY BOYFRIEND & PARENTS ( EASTERN EUROPEAN ) – JUST DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH ME – SO THEY PRETTY MUCH IGNORED MY PAIN

Your Boyfriend is Lucky to have you:

Now having said that – I’m also sure he’s feeling guilty having to put you through this pain with him – especially when he is under the spell of the depression

Depression robs you of the person you are – One day you feel like you know who you are, you feel good about yourself, you know you posses good qualities – and  you feel worthy of the love you’re receiving AND THEN – when the depression hits – you don’t understand what your boyfriend or girlfriend can possibly see in you. You feel worthless.

Within your mind ( as a depressed person) the misery you’re feeling within that moment – feels like it’ll always be there, like there will never be good times again – you can’t fall on your memories of the good times you’ve had  to help you through – because when you’re able to participate & somewhat enjoy an event – the thing is – within you always feel & know the depression will always come back and therefore  – you are robbed of your good times as well – which just adds fuel to the next episodes.

So how to help your boyfriend:

1. Listen – which you already do –

2. Although you genuinely care about him and want to understand his pain – there’s NO WAY – for you to understand his pain unless you’ve gone through it – and I’m only saying this – to help you understand that it’s not understandable –

So – not sure if you wrote this above but – when you talk to him – Don’t attempt to make it all better – to say anything that you think will help cheer him up – The best thing is to Just Be there with him in Silence – if he lets you – Just accept it and let him know that you accept the situation as it is and let him know you love him unconditionally – maybe that you understand that this is not him but his depression

3. Encourage him to begin a journal – I journaled for 30 + years  because I had no one to talk to – and it was through Journaling that I was led to many transformations, AHA moments, growth, spirituality and ultimately wholeness.  I self- healed through journaling. ( There are many websites on the power of journaling)

It was through the writing that I figured out where my disassociated personality stemmed from – (childhood -my mother left my sister & I behind for 4 years – I had what’s known as emotional abandonment disorder – which played havoc in so many aspects of my life – leading me to making poor decisions)

It was through the writing that I brought my disassociated personalities together and many more changes.

So instead of keeping it bottled in – and feeling misunderstood – he can let it all out on the page – everything and anything.

Everyday – whether he feels good  or not – record both. Don’t misunderstand – it’s not an overnight cure. It’s a long process. Through continuous writing he will begin to self analyze and see patterns to his moods and he will begin to trust that inner voice within him that will begin to guide him – SO BASICALLY HE WILL NEED TO START BEING HIS OWN BEST FRIEND and eventually will begin getting AHA moments too which once he does will give him strength to make small changes.

3. In conjunction to constant writing – I used exercise instead of medication to keep me going – (you said he does this already – so that’s good) I’m not telling him not to take medication – I just never found the right one -and got tired of not receiving the right medical treatment.

You can bond with him further by – joining him in the exercise routines – you need to maintain your health too and exercise releases happy chemicals – I ran a lot – and lifted weights – I still do – or else feel unbalanced

4. Also I read a lot of spiritual books – began listening to spiritual tapes whenever I went out on errands –

read books by Wayne Dweyer and many others – filled notebooks full of tips

5. See if he can figure out what excites him – what gives him pleasure the most – because even though he may not believe in himself or believe it may be worth perusing – it may be what’s calling him to do

Even though while I was young I did not know who or what I wanted to do when I grew up ( even though I had a B.S degree in Hospitality Management  -then later in my 40’s another degree/ and masters in Elementary Education)   as I took notes, read different type of books – non fiction and such – I began to notice that I enjoyed studying anything literary – also enjoyed writing itself – enjoyed learning new words – actually had a weird love for words – and couldn’t understand why that was – but I began to analyze these likes of mine and went through a long doubting period  regarding my passion for writing and my abilities as a writer – and in the end concluded that this was what I was meant to do – what my purpose in this life time was. And when I finally accepted it – it felt like a weight got discarded from the pit of my stomach – a weight that constantly made me feel like life was meaningless – my existence felt meaningless.

But once I discovered and accepted my purpose – all other activities I never enjoyed before suddenly looked brighter and worth joining. All the never-ending, overburdening responsibilities of life became manageable and even enjoyable because I began to enjoy the challenge.

So discovering One’s Purpose is a BIG BIG  answer to solve. Some are born knowing (lucky them) others – like I did have to struggle to find it – and sadly many go to their graves feeling unfulfilled, having never found theirs.

My purpose is to get out my 4 Volume Memoir – which chronicles my journey – in order to help people like your boyfriend.

Volume I. Out of My Head – A Girl’s Journey through Bipolar Depression & Disassociated Personality (In editing Process currently)

6. Not sure how old your boyfriend is – but unfortunately the age from 15 – 24 – is very difficult to go through all on it’s own but add in childhood trauma and it’s just too much

So even though he may not believe it – maybe present him with real life stories of people who have gone through similar things and who have come out of it successfully – I PROMISE THERE IS A WAY OUT OF THE DARK TUNNEL –

It’ll always be an UP and DOWN Battle –  But if he’s aware of that – and aware that if he does the work – he can and will heal – then when he enters another episode – he may be able to view it less from a victim’s perspective and more from a conqueror type attitude. Again it’s a process.

While I’m sure he’s learned his lesson about psychedelics – (which I understand why he did it- as I too, even though I was scarred to try pot -knowing it messes with my head  – tried it on several occasions to gain insight into why I was the way I was – which at times helped – but it only helped me because as I was going through the high and visions – I wrote them down as I was experiencing them and then later was able to go back and learn things about myself which helped my progression towards healing)  he may want to slow down until he becomes more stable.

7. EDUCATE YOURSELF AND ENCOURAGE HIM TO LEARN ABOUT DIFFERENT DISFUNCTIONS – SEE IF HE CAN PINPOINT HIS SYMPTOMS.

WITH KNOWLEDGE THERE”S POWER

I’m not a therapist and don’t pretend to know how to fully heal him – I can only share with you what I went through BUT

Since you mentioned childhood Trauma – that is something he needs to visit – whether through a therapist or by himself – because once he identifies what it is that’s happened to him – he can be with it for a while – examine it, and understand it – and finally through this process – naturally discard it – it organically stops eating at him.

With me – through the questioning, digging and what not I figured out that the reason I dressed up in a provocative way to get attention was because I felt invisible, trapped within my head – and that was one way of feeling like I was real and existing.

As a young child I was a loner. I remember images of myself as a young child often playing alone, watching other kids having fun and wishing I could be with them. And when my mother left –  no one bothered explaining to me that one day I’ll see her once more – so in my young mind I must have felt like she abandoned me. Images of me crying nightly remained in my head for  a long time. She escaped to America during the Communist Era – brought us 4 years later – and my father was imprisoned for a foiled escape plan. Also my grandmother brought me to my dad’s trial – and images of my father with chains around his feet and hands have been seared into my young mind as well

So all these factors contributed to my psychological break down which started surfacing from 17 on. And if you research many of these psychological dysfunctions – you will find that that’s when they surface – from around 17 to 25.

I never ever though I’d ever get better – but I did – I figured it out- and so can your boyfriend.

You are right to take time for yourself  to keep yourself balanced – because if you don’t you won’t have anything to give him or yourself.

So number 1 keep yourself healthy first – you don’t want to end up resenting him and that’s the last thing he wants.

Take Care

Remember and Remind him to be patient with yourself and himself – It SUCKS to be mentally ill – but it’s not his fault and therefore it’s ok that he hasn’t figured it all out and it’s ok that he can’t be what he probably thinks  that everybody wants him to be- “normal and healthy like everybody else – those that seem to have no problems in facing a new day  – IT”S OK -NO GUILT SHOULD BE ABSORBED – but of course I’m sure he does – but just gently let him know that it’s OK.

I hope this helped somewhat. If you need to talk further. I’m here.

Simona  Adina

Dear Jen:

January two years ago, you wrote: “He thought I was holding back anger”- I think he is holding back anger.

January this year, you wrote: “whenever he feels depressed, he says he doesn’t deserve me or finds reasons to think he can’t trust me”-

– I will edit this sentence so to suggest a possibility: whenever he feels angry  he says he doesn’t deserve me or finds reasons to think he can’t trust me.

From personal experience, depression is a sort of exhaustion from feeling either fear and/ or anger too intensely and/ or for too long. Fear and anger are closely associated. We feel threatened, next we feel fear (motivating us to run away) and often we feel anger (motivating us to fight). Flight or Fight are ways to protect oneself from a perceived threat.

So, when he feels intensified fearful and angry, he tells you that he doesn’t deserve you, hoping perhaps that you will leave him alone, or he points to not trusting you, hoping perhaps to anger you and cause you to.. leave him alone.

Clearly, fear and anger is not all that he feels about you, but he feels too much fear and anger.

In the aftermath of him experiencing with psychedelics, “has had him dealing with very intense depression. He tried to break up with me”- he felt angry at you and he  did what people who feel anger at their partners do- break up.

What I am saying is that depression is not a singular issue, not a pure emotion, it is a condition made of repressed fear, anger, shame, and such. His anger is most likely at his parents/ people in his family of origin projected into you.

Recently at nigh, “he had an episode that looked schizophrenic to me. He started crying and was paralyzed, he couldn’t communicate and was acting very erratic”- part of his behavior was genuine, he really did feel distressed, but part of it, I think, was him performing, trying to scare you away, so that.. you leave him alone.

He is conflicted, he wants you in his life and he wants you out of his life, at the same time, is my guess, therefore his “constant state of confusion and feeling lost”, and “if it’s not one thing is the next one and the next one”.

“I want to help, but I want to help doing the right thing”- how about bringing up to him the issue of his anger at you and his efforts to end the relationship by discouraging you and scaring you?

I suspect it will be scary to bring this up, to open a communication about his anger at you, fearing that it will lead to a breakup, something you clearly fear. But it may lead to a breakthrough, not a br4eakup. Without a breakthrough you may be forever stuck in a state of limbo, neither here (reliable, solid commitment), nor there (breakup).

anita