Dearest Bernadette

I think the first thing that you need to hear is that there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not damaged and there is no problem with you – life brings you to where you need to be in order to help you grow. So wherever you are today is where you’re meant to be – as sucky as that place can seem.

You say “Past few years ive become very angry and depressed,” – have you thought about the fact that you’re trying so hard to please everyone else that you’ve forgotten how to please yourself? You need to look after yourself and do the things that bring joy to your life instead of trying to make everyone else happy. Remember that you need to love yourself first – because the way you treat yourself is a guide for how other people are going to treat you.

“cause I have this mentality that no one likes me, and that I should be lucky im with so and so” – you need to let go of this idea, and the idea that you don’t deserve the best. You deserve happiness, but you won’t find it if you’re looking for it in someone else.

You do seem as though you have many negative thoughts and attitudes to work through, and you should find someone that you can talk to about how you’re feeling. If you want, I am around to talk to. I would also suggest journaling. Recognise your negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. Write down the things that are good about you. Write down the things you enjoy and what you want out of life. Find ways to treat yourself well. Start doing things that make YOU happy and fulfilled.

If you want to talk more, I’m here. Wishing you all the best.
Ke

B,

It seems to me that the lack of motivation to do things for yourself is normal and usual when we come from a pattern of people pleasing. We give and give our energy, and our cup empties. Then, we look to those around us to refill us, to care back. Sometimes they do, often they don’t, and so we sit, unsettled and empty of warm feelings. Often we even feel resentment (“I did all that and you didn’t even say thanks”). So not only are we emotionally hungry, but the food we end up eating is bitter.

I’m sorry your parents and siblings treated you the way they did. Its not fair. 🙁 But, it is what is, what was. There is always a path to joy, however, and its up to us to walk it. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, its no wonder you don’t like doing things for yourself very much. People you loved told you that your only value was in the way you helped them! Obviously, that is not correct and reveals their selfishness, but perhaps you accepted that view as true. The Pia Mellody book will continue to reveal the ways in which that intertwines with self identity, and why doing nice things for ourselves is something we do anyway.

We can start giving ourselves the validation and appreciation we’ve been seeking in little bits, breath by breath. “Thank you, B, for cooking me dinner. Its delicious.” “Thank you, B, for such a beautiful home, and caring for it so diligently.” Little bits, here and there, we remind ourselves just how many wonderful things we do for our benefit. This refuels that cup, our energy system, our esteem. You might not feel it at first, you might thank yourself through gritted teeth as a forced squeak. That’s OK, keep going. 🙂

With warmth
Matt

matt, i have a doubt… what is the best way to come out of the dissatisfaction about others being insensitive( or ungrateful) when we do something good to them? i don’t help every person i meet… but i helped my own colleague who is a friend( good friend) in so many ways like i helped him get a job, sat with him for 4 complete days so that his research work for our training is finished properly, infact, i was the one who got him into this training program, he was only an acquaintance till then… i did everything because i received help from some very good people when i was looking for opportunities… ( that is to join in this training course., and this job)… and i wanted to help someone so that it is carried on to others…. after joining this new job, he has changed… he doesn’t talk to me like before or like my friend.. constantly he was making me look like a laughing stock, talking sarcastically whenever i talk to him… he was not like this until his work is done… why it hurts badly is we are really good friends since 4 years… i was really hurt and so,i stopped talking to him totally…. he never asked me why i stopped talking to him, or he never said sorry for his behavior… in this new office he behaves as if i m some wall or may be i don’t exist… it hurts sooo badly.. although i know its all my own thinking.. and what i am is not going to change because of the way he treats me, i feel bad all the time… past 2 weeks,i feel numb… and m becoming really forgetful(m always soo pre occupied.. but with what?i have no idea…) how to get out of this? i have my exam next week…. m anxious as i cant recollect anything that i studied in the past one whole year…. everything is just blank… and mute… i shall post this in a new forum if this should not be posted here….

@matt, as you always give great advice to everyone on this blog, can you please tell me about a way to get out of this?

@matt, thank you for the insight…. you are right… by thinking more and more about what is correct and what is wrong on his part and on my part, i am the one who is getting hurt.. he does not feel a thing.. also, i have a life to live… i m trying to let go… may be it takes some more time… thank you very much…
namaste