Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→How do I define my character? emotions?
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Maya.
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September 26, 2013 at 7:07 am #42816
Ke
ParticipantDearest Bernadette
I think the first thing that you need to hear is that there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not damaged and there is no problem with you – life brings you to where you need to be in order to help you grow. So wherever you are today is where you’re meant to be – as sucky as that place can seem.
You say “Past few years ive become very angry and depressed,” – have you thought about the fact that you’re trying so hard to please everyone else that you’ve forgotten how to please yourself? You need to look after yourself and do the things that bring joy to your life instead of trying to make everyone else happy. Remember that you need to love yourself first – because the way you treat yourself is a guide for how other people are going to treat you.
“cause I have this mentality that no one likes me, and that I should be lucky im with so and so” – you need to let go of this idea, and the idea that you don’t deserve the best. You deserve happiness, but you won’t find it if you’re looking for it in someone else.
You do seem as though you have many negative thoughts and attitudes to work through, and you should find someone that you can talk to about how you’re feeling. If you want, I am around to talk to. I would also suggest journaling. Recognise your negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. Write down the things that are good about you. Write down the things you enjoy and what you want out of life. Find ways to treat yourself well. Start doing things that make YOU happy and fulfilled.
If you want to talk more, I’m here. Wishing you all the best.
KeSeptember 26, 2013 at 8:34 am #42820Bernadette
ParticipantKe
Thank you for the time you took to read my post, I have this fear in me that stops me doing things, apart from my job and making sure my family and home is looked after,
I do not have much drive to do stuff for myself, I don’t know if im depressed or just unhappy with myself? Some days I will wake up and have lots of joy in me, but as soon as I start dwelling on stuff I just sink in a blackhole.
It is so true that I let people treat me the way they do, I always feel I deserve what is happening to me cause I could be a better person and try harder to be better, I make sure that I always buy food for my ex, always cook his meals so he will appreciate me, cause when we first met he use to tell me im very caring, he use to call me his angel. My problem is I take on everyones problem and I keep repeating myself over and over again when im not happy with something, it goes round and round in my head, I find it hard for me to shift the negatives,I feel happy that you have pointed to me that there is nothing wrong with me. What I was feeling is that there must be something wrong with me, cause every relationship that ive been in, once we break up the guys just move on and find someone to settle down with???? I feel the problem must be with me??
Even my mum and dad have preferences in my family, ive always been looked at as the one who has to do whatever they say, to fuss over them and I can never say no, whereas my other sibblings can speak their mind and are not made to feel guilty.
One example is my mum and dad calls my sister everyday to see if shes ok, she rarely calls them, I call them all the time and if one day I don’t call them they will not even call to see if somethings happened to me?? why they behave this way?
I have stopped making any efforts and now they say im a bad person, whereas nothing bad is ever spoken on my other siblings..Those are stuff that I need to get out of my system. As I keep wondering why me all the time..Thanks for listening.
Regards
B
September 26, 2013 at 2:23 pm #42832Matt
ParticipantB,
It seems to me that the lack of motivation to do things for yourself is normal and usual when we come from a pattern of people pleasing. We give and give our energy, and our cup empties. Then, we look to those around us to refill us, to care back. Sometimes they do, often they don’t, and so we sit, unsettled and empty of warm feelings. Often we even feel resentment (“I did all that and you didn’t even say thanks”). So not only are we emotionally hungry, but the food we end up eating is bitter.
I’m sorry your parents and siblings treated you the way they did. Its not fair. 🙁 But, it is what is, what was. There is always a path to joy, however, and its up to us to walk it. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
First, its no wonder you don’t like doing things for yourself very much. People you loved told you that your only value was in the way you helped them! Obviously, that is not correct and reveals their selfishness, but perhaps you accepted that view as true. The Pia Mellody book will continue to reveal the ways in which that intertwines with self identity, and why doing nice things for ourselves is something we do anyway.
We can start giving ourselves the validation and appreciation we’ve been seeking in little bits, breath by breath. “Thank you, B, for cooking me dinner. Its delicious.” “Thank you, B, for such a beautiful home, and caring for it so diligently.” Little bits, here and there, we remind ourselves just how many wonderful things we do for our benefit. This refuels that cup, our energy system, our esteem. You might not feel it at first, you might thank yourself through gritted teeth as a forced squeak. That’s OK, keep going. 🙂
With warmth
MattSeptember 26, 2013 at 7:00 pm #42846Bernadette
ParticipantMatt
Thanks for the positive reply, I will work on being kinder to myself, right now im filled with lots of mixed emotions, reading the codependency book is showing me a lot of whats happen in my life, surely now that I can grab were my problem is coming from I know I can use all this negative energy I was feeling to emerge of this awful pattern that was giving me all these strange feelings and emotions.
Honestly I couldn’t see anything ggod about life untless im busy doing things to make others happy, and deprived myself of the same joy.
Thank you for teaching me how to be kind to myself, cause everytime I want to do something for myself I keep postponing it cause there was something I hadn’t done for someone else to make them happy, in the end I was forgetting that I truly exist, I have this mentalilty that if im not doing something to please someone than im not a good person.
Sometimes I watch everyone in my household resting and watching tv while im so busy cleaning, cooking or gardening, just to keep the place nice and to make everyone happy, and honestly I rarely get the time to take care of myself, only when its time for bed and I crash out feeling exhausted, while everyone else still has energy to chill.
Thanks for showing me that I need to be kind to myself.kind regards
Bernadette
September 27, 2013 at 10:28 am #42873sia
Participantmatt, i have a doubt… what is the best way to come out of the dissatisfaction about others being insensitive( or ungrateful) when we do something good to them? i don’t help every person i meet… but i helped my own colleague who is a friend( good friend) in so many ways like i helped him get a job, sat with him for 4 complete days so that his research work for our training is finished properly, infact, i was the one who got him into this training program, he was only an acquaintance till then… i did everything because i received help from some very good people when i was looking for opportunities… ( that is to join in this training course., and this job)… and i wanted to help someone so that it is carried on to others…. after joining this new job, he has changed… he doesn’t talk to me like before or like my friend.. constantly he was making me look like a laughing stock, talking sarcastically whenever i talk to him… he was not like this until his work is done… why it hurts badly is we are really good friends since 4 years… i was really hurt and so,i stopped talking to him totally…. he never asked me why i stopped talking to him, or he never said sorry for his behavior… in this new office he behaves as if i m some wall or may be i don’t exist… it hurts sooo badly.. although i know its all my own thinking.. and what i am is not going to change because of the way he treats me, i feel bad all the time… past 2 weeks,i feel numb… and m becoming really forgetful(m always soo pre occupied.. but with what?i have no idea…) how to get out of this? i have my exam next week…. m anxious as i cant recollect anything that i studied in the past one whole year…. everything is just blank… and mute… i shall post this in a new forum if this should not be posted here….
@matt, as you always give great advice to everyone on this blog, can you please tell me about a way to get out of this?September 27, 2013 at 1:21 pm #42882Matt
ParticipantSia,
Thanks for the kind words, and I applaud your openness at approaching this problem with curiousness and detachment. Its a puzzle, the emotions grab you, but you know there’s a way out. That’s awesome! A few things came to heart as I read your words.
The first is that when we are generous to others, sometimes we neglect our own needs. We get swept into the outcome, such as his research, and unintentionally set down our own needs and dreams. This is fine and usual, and yet leaves us vulnerable to the potential that you’re perhaps now experiencing. The gift was given, and the result was unpleasant. You gave your time and energy, and now he is acting oddly. After all that effort!
Being free from this can happen in a few ways. First, we can look at how the joy is in the giving, in being the hero who goes the extra mile for a loved one. The result doesn’t matter as much, because we did our best to give our love and time. That in itself is a beauty, an indication of our intrepid and passionate spirit. So, as we realize we’re doing well in that practice (as we gave as unselfishly as we could) we can turn that same attention back to our needs, our own dreams and hopes. In this way, we are able to invest our attention on things that nourish us.
As far as untangling the knot of pain that arises as you see your friend seemingly betray the intimacy you worked diligently on… perhaps he is either caught up in “finding his place” and adjusting to his new experiences (such as trying to connect with others through poking at you) or overwhelmed with stress and handling it poorly. Or, perhaps he isn’t as good as a friend as you thought, and now that he has been nourished, you’ve been shed. Either way, letting go is all you can do. If he settles and regrets, or if he sometime sees how odd he became, you can forgive him and move on if your heart wishes to. Or, you can simply move on now, and let him figure out his path without your connection. Either way, letting go helps us become balanced, forgiveness our ticket to joy.
Namaste.
With warmth,
MattSeptember 27, 2013 at 9:37 pm #42925sia
Participant@matt, thank you for the insight…. you are right… by thinking more and more about what is correct and what is wrong on his part and on my part, i am the one who is getting hurt.. he does not feel a thing.. also, i have a life to live… i m trying to let go… may be it takes some more time… thank you very much…
namasteSeptember 27, 2013 at 9:40 pm #42926Maya
ParticipantSo much of “I’.
So much of ‘he”.
For the next 3 days, practice giving. Giving your time to old people, charity, walking dog, anything. Practice no “I” no “he” no “they”.
Make a contract with yourself. If you cannot do it 3 days do 1 day or do 1 hour.
Whilst doing be aware of everything that is outside you – the weather, the sidewalk, the sky, the breath.
Everything is just perfect in your world.
Kindest regards
Maya -
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