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How do I define my character? emotions?

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • September 26, 2013 at 6:28 am #42814
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Since knowing this website I have spent a great deal of time reading many posts and newsletters everyday. I have this enthusiasm to know the type of person I am, please take some time to read my post.
    I am a normally very caring person, I try to please people and when I feel people take advantage of me I get frustrated, it normally takes a lot to make me angry, I find that I tend to do a lot to help and im also a good listener and try my best to help, I have seen myself in relationships over and over again with men who have been hurt by their ex’s, its as if im prone to meeting these types of guys, last 4 relationships same traits,I tend to overgive, I find these guys fall in love with me very quickly, move in quickly too, though I wonder if its love or just seeing me as their rescuer???, I have my own home, a good job, but I have low self esteem and sometimes I have fear in me, that if im not in a relationship I don’t feel happy, even when im in a relationship guys don’t take my feelings into consideration I still find excuses to stay, even when my friends and family tell me that this person is just using me, I find excuses and try to give more to be loved…
    I didn’t have a very good childhood, my dad was a serial cheater and would always find problems with my mum, He never showed us real love, he was too busy with other women and my mum use to be at home looking after the house and trying to please my da..

    I remember I got married very early as I wanted to move away from home, Which I did at 16 yrs old and had kids with my ex husband, he was also a user and he was 11yrs older than me, He totally controlled me, I use to try my best to please him, just to make the peace at home, after 14yrs of marriage and 4 kids, I got the strength to kick him out of my house, he left me and never bothered himself with his 4 kids whom are adults now.

    Ive tried my best for my kids, and to help my parents too, my dad was never appreciative of anything I did, he just wanted me to give give, nowadays I barely talk to him, cause he still blames my mum for everything that went wrong in the family, yet he was the one controlling everything, he never use to appreciates anything my mum did, until this day.
    Looking back I see myself always trying to please people, until I have enough and break down, this is what happen to my last relationship, my ex didn’t have any responsibility towards the relationship, I was the one doing everything, had to build a home for us, pay bills, cook, clean, wash, gardening, and I would find myself thinking how to please him still so when he comes home all is done and he will be happy, he never ever gave me any encouragements in anything I did or appreciates what I do…. the only thing he did was help me cook and sometimes gardening, I am the one who has to buy food everyday to make sure we eat, he never bothers to brign home any shopping. In everything I do I am always thinking if hes gonna be happy with what Ive done, yet im never get any compliments, just before we broke up I rebel and stop doing things for him he criticizes me so much, his ex was better than me and bla bla, it hurt me so I told him to leave ad go back to her.

    My job gets me to travel quite a lot, so when im away, im always looking for nice stuff to buy for my bf and his families, they never say thank u, I feel sad and angry sometimes, cause I think of them and want to make them happy, yet they still criticizes me behind my back, my bf would never do anything that makes me happy, I feel that he hates my successes, I work hard and try and do good things for my kids, for him too, but he always feel I don’t do enough for him,like I neglect him,
    I don’t know but I only want the best for everyone and I sometimes neglect myself to please others. I feel just like my mum was, she would keep the house clean, cookd the food and wash the clothes for my dad, so when he comes home from work the place is beautiful and he is happy, but he was never happy with mums efforts, my bf is the same, we rarely communicates, its like he is in his own world, im always sad, just like my mum was.
    At times he will tell me he loves me but that im not a good person cause when im angry with I smashes his stuff out of frustration, yes ive done these things a couple of times, its like im looking for his attention but it makes things worse.
    sometimes I say its my fault for everything that happens to me and my kids blames me too and they say Ive made it too easy for my bf and I was being like a mum to him, I was just giving and giving, just before we broke up he was giving a bit more money at home, yet he expects me to do more and he does less to help, its draining, cause all my life Ive had the same problems.

    Past few years ive become very angry and depressed, cant think properly and sometimes I damages things to vent my anger, I don’t have any joy, I feel no one really cares about me if im alive or dead, the only thing I do is immerse myself in my job to try and do more to please everyone, my bf is now out of my life, he got mad at me cause I didn’t wash his clothes for one week and he argued that he pays money at home and its like I am oblige to wash and clean for him, he left 3wks ago and back to his mums house. For the 5yrs with him, not once has he washed my clothes, if im ill I have to take myself to hospital, or my son takes me.
    Mentally im drained, I feel there is a problem with me, I don’t know what? why am I not like other women? helping myself first?? I don’t know if im depressed after many failed relationship in the last 10yrs?? I feel that the problem is with me cause anytime these guys move on they find someone and settles down with and im still going thru the same problems over and over again… even my ex husband have remarried, im still looking for the one??
    I don’t see anything good about me and the success ive had in my life even after everything.. people tell me im very pretty and I have so much good things going in my life, I just cant see any, I see myself as a doomed person, is this feeling back from my childhood? my brothers use to make my life hell as I was the shy one in the family of 6, im the 4th child. and they use to call me names and that I was ugly and fat, looking at some of my childhood pictures I saw this beautiful girl in the pictures, until this day my brothers don’t get on with me, I don’t know if this has affect my self esteem, I always feel that im lucky to have someone in my life even when they treat me bad, cause I have this mentality that no one likes me, and that I should be lucky im with so and so…

    Right now im going thru a phase were I feel I will never find love again, so what I do is I work from home and keep myself busy looking after the house and land, I have no joy for anything else, I built my home in the wilderness on a tropical island, its very beautiful and I have some great neighbours too, my past times are with my dogs and birds, I do not have any enthusiasm to go out or do much socializing,
    Some days I would put on a show of being happy, but inside im not, Anyone can advise me on why I feel this way?

    sorry about the long post, I just need some perspective on this situation, right now I have this book im reading, its codependency by Pia melody, its a great book, I can see myself in it..

    thanks and take care everyone.

    Bernadette

    September 26, 2013 at 7:07 am #42816
    Ke
    Participant

    Dearest Bernadette

    I think the first thing that you need to hear is that there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not damaged and there is no problem with you – life brings you to where you need to be in order to help you grow. So wherever you are today is where you’re meant to be – as sucky as that place can seem.

    You say “Past few years ive become very angry and depressed,” – have you thought about the fact that you’re trying so hard to please everyone else that you’ve forgotten how to please yourself? You need to look after yourself and do the things that bring joy to your life instead of trying to make everyone else happy. Remember that you need to love yourself first – because the way you treat yourself is a guide for how other people are going to treat you.

    “cause I have this mentality that no one likes me, and that I should be lucky im with so and so” – you need to let go of this idea, and the idea that you don’t deserve the best. You deserve happiness, but you won’t find it if you’re looking for it in someone else.

    You do seem as though you have many negative thoughts and attitudes to work through, and you should find someone that you can talk to about how you’re feeling. If you want, I am around to talk to. I would also suggest journaling. Recognise your negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. Write down the things that are good about you. Write down the things you enjoy and what you want out of life. Find ways to treat yourself well. Start doing things that make YOU happy and fulfilled.

    If you want to talk more, I’m here. Wishing you all the best.
    Ke

    September 26, 2013 at 8:34 am #42820
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Ke
    Thank you for the time you took to read my post, I have this fear in me that stops me doing things, apart from my job and making sure my family and home is looked after,
    I do not have much drive to do stuff for myself, I don’t know if im depressed or just unhappy with myself? Some days I will wake up and have lots of joy in me, but as soon as I start dwelling on stuff I just sink in a blackhole.
    It is so true that I let people treat me the way they do, I always feel I deserve what is happening to me cause I could be a better person and try harder to be better, I make sure that I always buy food for my ex, always cook his meals so he will appreciate me, cause when we first met he use to tell me im very caring, he use to call me his angel. My problem is I take on everyones problem and I keep repeating myself over and over again when im not happy with something, it goes round and round in my head, I find it hard for me to shift the negatives,

    I feel happy that you have pointed to me that there is nothing wrong with me. What I was feeling is that there must be something wrong with me, cause every relationship that ive been in, once we break up the guys just move on and find someone to settle down with???? I feel the problem must be with me??

    Even my mum and dad have preferences in my family, ive always been looked at as the one who has to do whatever they say, to fuss over them and I can never say no, whereas my other sibblings can speak their mind and are not made to feel guilty.
    One example is my mum and dad calls my sister everyday to see if shes ok, she rarely calls them, I call them all the time and if one day I don’t call them they will not even call to see if somethings happened to me?? why they behave this way?
    I have stopped making any efforts and now they say im a bad person, whereas nothing bad is ever spoken on my other siblings..

    Those are stuff that I need to get out of my system. As I keep wondering why me all the time..Thanks for listening.

    Regards

    B

    September 26, 2013 at 2:23 pm #42832
    Matt
    Participant

    B,

    It seems to me that the lack of motivation to do things for yourself is normal and usual when we come from a pattern of people pleasing. We give and give our energy, and our cup empties. Then, we look to those around us to refill us, to care back. Sometimes they do, often they don’t, and so we sit, unsettled and empty of warm feelings. Often we even feel resentment (“I did all that and you didn’t even say thanks”). So not only are we emotionally hungry, but the food we end up eating is bitter.

    I’m sorry your parents and siblings treated you the way they did. Its not fair. 🙁 But, it is what is, what was. There is always a path to joy, however, and its up to us to walk it. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    First, its no wonder you don’t like doing things for yourself very much. People you loved told you that your only value was in the way you helped them! Obviously, that is not correct and reveals their selfishness, but perhaps you accepted that view as true. The Pia Mellody book will continue to reveal the ways in which that intertwines with self identity, and why doing nice things for ourselves is something we do anyway.

    We can start giving ourselves the validation and appreciation we’ve been seeking in little bits, breath by breath. “Thank you, B, for cooking me dinner. Its delicious.” “Thank you, B, for such a beautiful home, and caring for it so diligently.” Little bits, here and there, we remind ourselves just how many wonderful things we do for our benefit. This refuels that cup, our energy system, our esteem. You might not feel it at first, you might thank yourself through gritted teeth as a forced squeak. That’s OK, keep going. 🙂

    With warmth
    Matt

    September 26, 2013 at 7:00 pm #42846
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Matt

    Thanks for the positive reply, I will work on being kinder to myself, right now im filled with lots of mixed emotions, reading the codependency book is showing me a lot of whats happen in my life, surely now that I can grab were my problem is coming from I know I can use all this negative energy I was feeling to emerge of this awful pattern that was giving me all these strange feelings and emotions.
    Honestly I couldn’t see anything ggod about life untless im busy doing things to make others happy, and deprived myself of the same joy.
    Thank you for teaching me how to be kind to myself, cause everytime I want to do something for myself I keep postponing it cause there was something I hadn’t done for someone else to make them happy, in the end I was forgetting that I truly exist, I have this mentalilty that if im not doing something to please someone than im not a good person.
    Sometimes I watch everyone in my household resting and watching tv while im so busy cleaning, cooking or gardening, just to keep the place nice and to make everyone happy, and honestly I rarely get the time to take care of myself, only when its time for bed and I crash out feeling exhausted, while everyone else still has energy to chill.
    Thanks for showing me that I need to be kind to myself.

    kind regards

    Bernadette

    September 27, 2013 at 10:28 am #42873
    sia
    Participant

    matt, i have a doubt… what is the best way to come out of the dissatisfaction about others being insensitive( or ungrateful) when we do something good to them? i don’t help every person i meet… but i helped my own colleague who is a friend( good friend) in so many ways like i helped him get a job, sat with him for 4 complete days so that his research work for our training is finished properly, infact, i was the one who got him into this training program, he was only an acquaintance till then… i did everything because i received help from some very good people when i was looking for opportunities… ( that is to join in this training course., and this job)… and i wanted to help someone so that it is carried on to others…. after joining this new job, he has changed… he doesn’t talk to me like before or like my friend.. constantly he was making me look like a laughing stock, talking sarcastically whenever i talk to him… he was not like this until his work is done… why it hurts badly is we are really good friends since 4 years… i was really hurt and so,i stopped talking to him totally…. he never asked me why i stopped talking to him, or he never said sorry for his behavior… in this new office he behaves as if i m some wall or may be i don’t exist… it hurts sooo badly.. although i know its all my own thinking.. and what i am is not going to change because of the way he treats me, i feel bad all the time… past 2 weeks,i feel numb… and m becoming really forgetful(m always soo pre occupied.. but with what?i have no idea…) how to get out of this? i have my exam next week…. m anxious as i cant recollect anything that i studied in the past one whole year…. everything is just blank… and mute… i shall post this in a new forum if this should not be posted here….

    @matt    , as you always give great advice to everyone on this blog, can you please tell me about a way to get out of this?

    September 27, 2013 at 1:21 pm #42882
    Matt
    Participant

    Sia,

    Thanks for the kind words, and I applaud your openness at approaching this problem with curiousness and detachment. Its a puzzle, the emotions grab you, but you know there’s a way out. That’s awesome! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    The first is that when we are generous to others, sometimes we neglect our own needs. We get swept into the outcome, such as his research, and unintentionally set down our own needs and dreams. This is fine and usual, and yet leaves us vulnerable to the potential that you’re perhaps now experiencing. The gift was given, and the result was unpleasant. You gave your time and energy, and now he is acting oddly. After all that effort!

    Being free from this can happen in a few ways. First, we can look at how the joy is in the giving, in being the hero who goes the extra mile for a loved one. The result doesn’t matter as much, because we did our best to give our love and time. That in itself is a beauty, an indication of our intrepid and passionate spirit. So, as we realize we’re doing well in that practice (as we gave as unselfishly as we could) we can turn that same attention back to our needs, our own dreams and hopes. In this way, we are able to invest our attention on things that nourish us.

    As far as untangling the knot of pain that arises as you see your friend seemingly betray the intimacy you worked diligently on… perhaps he is either caught up in “finding his place” and adjusting to his new experiences (such as trying to connect with others through poking at you) or overwhelmed with stress and handling it poorly. Or, perhaps he isn’t as good as a friend as you thought, and now that he has been nourished, you’ve been shed. Either way, letting go is all you can do. If he settles and regrets, or if he sometime sees how odd he became, you can forgive him and move on if your heart wishes to. Or, you can simply move on now, and let him figure out his path without your connection. Either way, letting go helps us become balanced, forgiveness our ticket to joy.

    Namaste.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    September 27, 2013 at 9:37 pm #42925
    sia
    Participant

    @matt, thank you for the insight…. you are right… by thinking more and more about what is correct and what is wrong on his part and on my part, i am the one who is getting hurt.. he does not feel a thing.. also, i have a life to live… i m trying to let go… may be it takes some more time… thank you very much…
    namaste

    September 27, 2013 at 9:40 pm #42926
    Maya
    Participant

    So much of “I’.
    So much of ‘he”.
    For the next 3 days, practice giving. Giving your time to old people, charity, walking dog, anything. Practice no “I” no “he” no “they”.
    Make a contract with yourself. If you cannot do it 3 days do 1 day or do 1 hour.
    Whilst doing be aware of everything that is outside you – the weather, the sidewalk, the sky, the breath.
    Everything is just perfect in your world.
    Kindest regards
    Maya

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