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How do I deal with the loss of a girlfriend of 4 years

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • February 13, 2019 at 9:58 pm #280113
    Giovanni
    Participant

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 years, since I was a junior in high-school and she was a freshman. I’m now a sophomore in college and she is a high-school senior. Although we are young, 4 years is a VERY long time to date someone. She told my family and I repeatedly that she wanted to marry me. But a week ago, she dumped me. We hadn’t seen each other in a while because we’d both been busy and because I live an hour away, but I went to see her that night. I went into a long speech about how I knew what needed to be done for our relationship to be fixed. I also told her that I wanted to be with her forever like she had always told me. But it was basically in one ear and out the other because after my speech she said she didn’t want to be with me anymore. She claimed it was because she “wants to figure things out” and “thinks this something we need.” What does that even mean? Obviously I was shocked and angry and sad all at the same time and the past week has been a living hell for me.

    The reason is I feel like I have no hope is this; this girl was over the moon for me, would do anything for me and wanted to be with me for the rest of her life. But then, one day she decides she doesn’t want me anymore. So if the one person who I know would have done anything and everything for me doesn’t want to be with me, then who will. She was the only person who kept me tethered to reality in times of immense stress. I feel so alone and unloved. I have some close friends and family that loves me but I feel like I’m in a hole that keeps getting deeper, and one that I can’t climb out of.

    She told me she hopes we can be together again but she also seems to be talking to other guys already. I can’t hold onto her forever, right? I just feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life and I don’t want to ever hurt like this again. My biggest fear is that she’ll tell me she doesn’t love me anymore because then I will never be able to trust anyone ever again. The one girl I gave everything to doesn’t want me anymore. I know this happens to a lot of people but its just so hard to go through this journey alone. So should I fight for her and try and win her back? Or give her space while she “figures things out”? I’m just terrified that she’s using this break to explore other options and see if other guys are better than me. I hurts me physically to even think about that. I just wish there was a rule-book that told me what to do in this situation.

    Any words of encouragement will help, I just pray that I can be happy again one day. I love you all.

    -G

    February 14, 2019 at 8:07 am #280149
    mamaof2kids
    Participant

    I think you should give her space… you both are still so young and believe me I remember being young and in love!  It hurt like no other when we broke up, but it also gave me time to be with my friends and do the things I wanted to do!

    I would tell you to keep the happy memories you have and continue on with life!  You are in college… and she’s in high school it’s a big difference. Let her explore what she “needs” and you do the same!  Go out and be with your college friends and do all the things college students do!

    I know it’s a constant thought on your mind I’m sure wondering what she’s doing or who she’s with and so on, but you have to get out there and distract yourself.. maybe join a club or a sport team!

    February 14, 2019 at 10:10 am #280185
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Giovanni:

    Your girlfriend of four years repeatedly told you and your family that she wanted to marry you, that she wanted to be  with you for the rest of her life, that she would do anything and everything for you,  but a week  ago she broke up with you, telling you that she “wants to figure things out”, that she thinks this breakup is “something we need”, and that “she  hopes e can be together again”.

    You  are “terrified that she’s using this break to explore other options and see if other guys are better than me

    “Should I fight for  her and try to win her back? Or give her space while she figures things out’?”, you asked.

    I find it very easy to answer your question whether you should fight for her: no, is my answer.

    It would have been a yes if the woman who loved you before and still was in trouble, then yes, fight for her, fight to save her and make it possible for her to be safe with you. But she gone not because she was taken away from you against her will. She chose to leave you.

    When in love with one person, when emotionally attached to one person, we  imagine our love is specific to this one person. I think this belief originates in our very early lives, as we, like  other young mammals, focus on just one individual, the mother, usually, and follow her wherever she goes, being singularly focused on just this one individual.

    But as the young adult that you are, no longer dependent on a parent to feed and protect you, really, there are more options than this one individual.

    After all, there is plenty of evidence that this is true, men who loved one woman and then… loved another, no less. Maybe more. Why not consider such evidence and have some faith in it-

    what do you think?

    anita

     

     

     

     

    February 14, 2019 at 3:21 pm #280221
    Giovanni
    Participant

    mamaof2kids,

    That’s good advice. She is constantly on my mind but I suppose joining a club of some sort would take my mind off things for a while. I don’t want to waste the most fun years of my life sulking over someone who doesn’t want me anymore. I’m taking things day by day but your words of encouragement mean more to me than you will ever know. Thank you so much.

    February 14, 2019 at 3:34 pm #280223
    Giovanni
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’d like to start off by saying thank you on behalf of everyone on this site because you seem to respond to almost everything posted. You are an angel and you will get rewarded one day. Your response was very insightful and made me view my situation from a different perspective. She wasn’t forced away from me and she did choose to leave me. If you really believe that you will be with someone forever then you would not leave them. So she was either lying to herself or to me, either way is pretty hurtful.

    It also doesn’t help that she is a bridesmaid in my sisters upcoming wedding and I am a groomsman. I don’t know how I should act towards her. I am angry at her for breaking my heart so I don’t want to be friendly to her but, at the same time, she has loved me for so long and I feel like it would be selfish of me not to be nice to her. And like I said she said we are “on a break” so she agreed that we would still be able to hangout and such. But she hasn’t wanted to see me since the breakup (9 days ago) which is completely understandable, but what if she just never wants to see me again.

    I always heard that women are heartbreakers and will leave you in the dust. But with her, it was different. It was like I had found the one girl in the world who was the whole package, and someone who truly loved me for me. But after this, I see that the world was right.

    February 15, 2019 at 7:23 am #280297
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Giovanni:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words, I appreciate them very much.

    She repeatedly told you that she wants to be with you forever, and you wrote, “She told my family and I repeatedly that she wanted to marry me”. After she broke up with you, you concluded: “So she was either lying to herself or to me”. I don’t think she lied to herself or to you. I think she probably meant it, that she did want to be with you forever and she did want to marry you.

    Let’s distinguish between an emotion and a promise, the two are different. A promise to be with a person forever requires more than emotion. It can be done even without emotion. A person may make a promise under the influence of emotion, without thinking into the future.

    She told you and your family what she said while she was in junior high school and in high school. Most often, a girl this age is too young to make thoughtful lifetime decisions. She is more likely to feel and express than to think and analyze and look at five years ahead or ten years.

    I think she expressed an emotion and you thought she was making a promise. What do you think?

    anita

    February 18, 2019 at 6:32 pm #280693
    Giovanni
    Participant

    Hey anita,

    I was away from my computer all weekend so I wasn’t able to write back. My sister got married this weekend and, as you know, my ex was a bridesmaid. The place we had the wedding is very important to me and it was hard seeing her there. When I first saw her I felt so angry because of what she was putting me through, but as the day progressed I couldn’t help but talk to her more and more and be friendly with her. It was breaking my heart and making me happy all at the same time. I decided that we should talk, since it had been about a week and a half since the break up. She told me that she “doesn’t care about anything anymore” and that she is feeling very depressed. It broke my heart to see her like that. She is a very happy person but I think she may be clinically depressed. We had the talk outside and she was getting mosquito bites so I drove to walmart to get some medicine. Not to win her back or anything, I just care about her well-being. She rode with me and held my hand all the way there.

    Once we got back in the car I kissed her. And she kissed me back. I still feel the “fireworks” with her after all these years whenever we kiss. I kissed her because I love her but I get so nervous because I don’t want that to be the last time we ever kiss. I love this girl so much.

    The wedding happened the next day and things were okay, they were a bit awkward with my family though. My family and I are very close so they aren’t too happy that she broke my heart. She left the reception early because she said she felt so out of place and excluded. I walked her to her car and kissed her one more time before she left. I watched the tears roll down her face as she pulled away. I know she loves me, but I don’t understand how you can leave someone you love.

    As for your response, I can see the possibility of her making a promise through emotion. It is highly questionable that a high school senior would be able to confidently say they’ve found the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. She just spoke about it so often, not only to me. My parents, my siblings, her friends and my friends. She let everyone know how much she wanted to be with me.

    When I speak to her I feel like I’m talking to a shell of herself; that the real girl, the one I’ve known for so long, is somewhere inside of her, trapped. I just want to bring her out again. I am getting better day by day and this website is a blessing. It has given me so much insight and I feel as though I’ve gained wisdom through other people’s experiences. I’m praying for her and our relationship.

    -G

    February 19, 2019 at 12:23 pm #280901
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Giovanni:

    You wrote: “she told me that she ‘doesn’t care about anything anymore… I know she loves me”-

    -she told you that she doesn’t care about anything anymore, that means, she doesn’t care for you  either. Not presently, not currently.

    “I feel like I’m talking to a shell of herself; that the real girl, the one I’ve known for so long, is somewhere inside of her trapped. I just want to bring her out again”.

    So many people, men and women, live every day, with a real boy or girl trapped in there. Is this girl trapped in your girlfriend worth fighting for (“should I fight for her..?”, you asked previously)- yes, she is worth fighting for. Unfortunately, too often, we, the people who care about that child trapped, do  not have access to the battle zone.

    Meaning, if she doesn’t let you into the war zone, you have nowhere and no way to fight for that trapped girl.

    You can’t fight for her if she doesn’t want you  to. Therefore, make sure she wants you to fight for her, ask her if she wants you to fight for her and how-

    and let me know her answer, will you?

    anita

     

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