I’m just stunned. Faschinated. I’m observing the process of grieve in my body and realize what a powerful thing channelizing actually is. In my case, I’m automatically channelling a pick-and-choose basket of negative attributes, onto the thought of one single person. And when that person appears in my mind or, even worse, get himself announced with a friendly “best wishes” text before an exam or the like, my inside explode in a chemical supernova of sadness, anger, even panic.

I’m speaking about my ex, of whom I dumped a couple of months ago. We’d been “together” (dating, sexing, not actually claimed to be a couple but doing about all the stuff couples do, including travelling together, having long weekends at each others places together with my daughter from a former relationship, speaking daily on the phone etc) for four years.

There’s another thing making me claim we weren’t an actual couple. He continuously hid me from his family. I just recently got confirmed that was because he couldn’t see me as representative enough to be accepted as an actual family member. He couldn’t see any future with me. Having that confirmed was enough to me to dump him on the spot.

Now, a couple of months after the breakup, every time I think of him I connect him with thoughts of stupidity (why didn’t I trust him the first times he claimed he might not want to form a family but live and play his whole life through, why did I think this was a period he would eventually mature out of, and WHY did I give him FOUR YEARS waiting for something to improve on his family relations so that we could finally integrate in the family as a real and accepted couple?), disrespect (how could he continue to treat me this way, if he knew he would’nt want to progress our relationship?) hopelessness (all the effort I’ve put to us… to him… in vain) and so on.

So, because of all the negative thoughts and values I now connect with the guy, every time I think of him I get extremely unfocused and filled up with negative emotion. The first step in dealing with this is probably to talk and write it off the head, to get a little space between the emotion and the reason for the emotion.

Now when I’m writing I’m trying to find something good that’s come out of this… For example, I’m more secure now about where I stand and what I want of a relationship. I’m not sad about being alone, that’s actually pretty relieving right now as a lot of social contact or, god forbid, a new relationship to cover the grieve from the last one would probably just drown the minds’ voice and prevent it from telling what I actually need to get through this stronger and more confident.

The most irritating thing right now are these negative chemical supernova explosions in my body every time I think of him a little extra, or when he somehow announces his existence through a comment field or forum, or a personal message of some kind. The emotions will fade away eventually, I know. It’s just that right now they’re really intrusive and efficiently blocks my ability to focus and concentrate, which is not that good in work- or study related activities.

I’ve tried emptying my head with meditation (efficiently collects focus on the subject and makes the emotion worse), speaking with friends, workout (intensifies the emotions like crazy), leading away the thoughts onto something else (works in the moment but eventually just postpones the reactions). Any other ideas on how to function like a normal human through this process?